Max’s Petting Zoo presents…

 “Artists for Sale”

…at the Edgar Ace Gallery!

MIAMI, FL – In this rough economy, local student/model Max Emerson and twin artists Paul and John Physioc have been forced to find residence in the Edgar Ace Gallery for the last days of their semester at the University of Miami.

“It just sucks that three smart, handsome, very well-endowed kids can’t manage to pay the bills.“ Says Paul Physioc, “I’m not saying our lives suck, though… In fact, Mr. Ace even said we could throw a party!”

For a ten-dollar donation (“waived w/ any art purchase”), guests are permitted to explore the boys’ abode, hang out late and check out art from a variety of UMiami students. Complimentary drinks will be offered ‘college-style’.

Max had this to say; “’Artists For Sale’ is a one-night-only interactive exhibition geared towards raising money for student artists. We haven’t sidled up with a popular charity because we ARE a charity! We’re inviting the normally not-so-artistic art community into our lives because we want their support. We also want them to question what the word ‘art’ is even supposed to mean. Yeah Paul, John, Jean-Paul, Ricardo, Mackenzie, David, Oscar, Dane and everyone else are talented and produce great work… painting, drawing, film, whatever… But who’s to say my underpants can’t be art?”

Although the gallery closes at one AM, these three boys aim to entertain all night long! One lucky attendee will even win a second date with the three boys during the ten o’clock raffle!

“I know the porn convention is going to be in town that whole week…” John said during his interview, “I’m going to work my magic and see if I can get a few friends to show up! ”

“Artists for Sale” Takes place on Saturday, May 9 from 8:00PM-1:00AM

The Edgar Ace Gallery (in Miami’s Design District):

7520 NE 4^th Ct. Miami, FL 33138

 

Please COME!

PL

Hurricane

‘Dog Sees God’ a counter-culture satire

Posted February 18, 2009 at 8:10 pm

By Danielle Kaslow // Contributing EDGE Writer

• 
  

 

From the start, Dog Sees God is provocative and upfront. Coupled with sexual experimentation, drug use, eating disorders and violence, Charles Schulz’s beloved Peanuts characters are back in action in the Jerry Herman Ring Theatre’s production of this satire. Don’t expect to see the same innocent Charlie Brown or Lucy of comics past, as the play’s characters are all hormonal, teenage versions of the Peanuts characters we know and love.

CB, also known as Charlie Brown, is reeling from the death of his beloved Snoopy. He ponders life and death and questions the existence of heaven, trying to connect with his friends to find solace. Along with the audience, he discovers his childhood friends are very different people today; each has changed after overcoming loss and obstacles in their adolescence. Their experiences have shaped them into the characters audiences see before them on stage, though they clearly remain informed by their comic book counterparts.

“If you think of who the Peanuts characters were in the comic strip around age 8, and fast forward eight or 10 more years, their neuroses follow what Schultz set up,” said Vince Cardinal, chair of the theater department and director of Dog Sees God. “For example, it’s appropriate that Linus, who always fantasized and was lost in his thoughts, is now the pothead. Who they were in the comic develops to what you will see on stage.”

Angst-filled, aggressive, and self-conscious, the characters are both honest and believable. The actors of Dog Sees God have honed their skills to put forth a shocking and thought-provoking performance.

Max Emerson, who plays Matt (an older Pigpen), said, “I think people will learn that theater is not passive. Old people will [probably want to] walk out within the first scene…I think the word ‘fuck’ is said more than five times in one minute.

“But the content can be strong, because the message is so strong,” said the senior. ” It’s putting the cartoons in the real world.”

In Dog Sees God, the Peanuts characters are used as a means to explore more adult themes and difficult topics, ones people often feel uncomfortable discussing. However, familiarity with the characters allows the audience to be receptive to the play’s message and feel less intimidated by the plotline. Dog Sees God is a play about real issues, how people deal with them and finding one’s sense of self.

Additionally, sophomore Tim Murray, who portrays CB, believes the play extends an important message of self-respect.

“We all have our own personal rain clouds, and when CB embraces his rain cloud at the end of the play it is a message to everyone to accept who you are, because you cannot change it and there is no reason why you should want to,” he said. “Every day of rehearsal I’m reminded of how important it is to tell this story, and that’s an amazing thing.”

If You Go:

What: Dog Sees God

When: Feb. 19, 21, 25, and 27 at 8 p.m., and Feb. 22 and 28 at 2 p.m.

Where: Jerry Herman Ring Theater

Cost: Weeknights and matinees: $6 for students, Friday and Saturday nights: $8 for students.

"You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" and "Dog sees goD"

Upcoming at UM Ring Theatre: Adults only and a family classic

From The University of Miami Jerry Herman Ring Theatre:

Dog Sees God: Max Emerson, Tim Murray and Katie McClellan. (Click photo to enlarge.)

The University of Miami Jerry Herman Ring Theatre continues their 2008 – 2009 season of music, romance and comedy. Classic comic strip characters take the stage in two plays running in repertory at the Jerry Herman Ring Theatre located at 1312 Miller Drive on the University of Miami’s Coral Gables campus.

The Ring Theatre presents the family classic You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. Based on the comic strip "Peanuts" by Charles M. Schulz, the musical invites audiences of all ages to join the beloved Charlie Brown, Lucy, Snoopy, Schroeder, Linus, and Sally as they encounter the wonders of childhood. From Charlie Brown's disappointments on Valentine's Day to Snoopy's flying ace doing battle with the nefarious Red Baron, everyone's favorite Peanuts' moments are brought to life in this lighthearted performance.

Due to popular demand, You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown has added an extra week. Performances are February 18, 20, 26, 28 and March 4 – 7 at 8 pm, and February 21, March 1 and 7 at 2 pm. Ticket prices for weeknights and matinees: Regular admission: $18; Seniors, UM faculty/staff/alumni: $16; Students: $8. Friday & Saturday nights: Regular admission: $22; Seniors, UM faculty/staff/alumni: $18; Students: $10.

In conjunction with You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, the Ring Theatre will also be showcasing the surprise Off-Broadway hit by Bert V. Royal, Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead. The play poses the question, “What happens to the comic strip gang after they become angst-obsessed teens?” This satirical take on America’s favorite comic strip will surely please adult audiences and help them to imagine life after childhood for these characters. Dog Sees God contains adult language and themes along with graphic content. It is not suitable for children or young teens.

Performances of Dog Sees God are February 19, 21, 25, and 27 at 8 pm, and February 22 and 28 at 2 pm. Ticket prices for weeknights and matinees: Regular admission: $16; Seniors, UM faculty/staff/alumni: $14; Students: $6. Friday & Saturday nights: Regular admission: $18; Seniors, UM faculty/staff/alumni: $16; Students: $8.

To purchase tickets, contact the box office Monday – Friday between 12:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. at 305-284-3355. For more information and to purchase tickets online, log on to www.miami.edu/ring. The theatre is wheelchair accessible, has handicapped parking, and offers free infrared hearing devices. Parking is free and plentiful adjacent to the theatre.

The University of Miami’s mission is to educate and nurture students, to create knowledge, and to provide service to our community and beyond. Committed to excellence and proud of our diversity of our University family, we strive to develop future leaders of our nation and the world. www.miami.edu.

Charlie Brown: Robb Nanus, Matthew Mickenberg and Kate Metroka. (Click photo to enlarge.)

Feb 18- March 1 @ the Jerry Herman Ring Theatre
www.miami.edu/ring

Test2- It's gunna be a good year

Fart Basel Award, 2008!

Cutest Couple: Max/Terrence Koh

Best Dressed: Max
Most Camera Shy: Max

Drunkest Asshole: Max

Most Easily Entertained: Max (ass always)


Most Coke Blown: Actually, This one goes to Terrence Koh (again)
Gayest Prisoner: Andrew


Worst Warhol Impression: Andrew
Biggest Art-Related Injury: Andrew
Most Eyes: Andrew (it was close!)

Biggest Snake Between the Legs: Max (as usual!)

Most Arms Wrestled: MAX!


Gayest Time Ever: MAX!

Most Rude to Tourists: Max!

Nicest Local Ever: Andrew
Gayest Presentation of Gayest Car Ever: Max!
Whitest African Chick Ever: Lissy!

Most Opposed to Rubber: Andrew
Most Ambitious: Max!
Most Observant: Max

Loudest: Andrew
Biggest Meat-Licker: Max
Best Kitty: This one.
Biggest Fear of Sequins: Max
Fuzziest Black People Ever: These things!

Most Racially Accepting: Max!
Biggest Phonies Ever: These guys!
Most Allergic to Real Dogs: Andrew
Most Telekinetic: Max!


Ugliest Baby Ever: MaxDrew

I WIN!

Over a year ago in LA (Memories :-)

kohboard

0








\

Is Max Too Cool For the Pool?

Recently, the question has been raised (again):

Is it Possible to know TOO MANY GAYS?


This time, the answer was "yes"


My tonsils had been removed just a week ago. Dad wanted to do it, said it's been awhile since he's been inside the mouth of someone under seventy and wanted to give it a shot.
I said "Fuck you father, you're a dentist. It hurts enough when I get my teeth cleaned!" I recalled the time getting them bleached in his office; hell, it's impossible to forget. I cant still hear my teeth screaming! It seems odd that my own father would forget that I am allergic to radiation.


The REAL doctor for the tonsilectomy used too much anesthetic for the procedure and didn't give me enough to bring down to Miami with which to recover. He said 500 ML of liquid hydrocodone would be plenty for my recovery, but upon waking after the surgery I found the bottle half empty! It was 3:00 in the afternoon, and my mother was at work. I couldn't bother her, and I felt rude waking my brother up to ask him if he had seen the other half of my prescription painkillers... so I ended up going without.

My roommate Nick sent me an invitation to a party via Facebook. One look at the guest list, and I think "fuck those faggots!". It was a "Back to School Pool Party" and I had more desire to see the cast of The View on a stripper pole together than I did to watch these twinky little fairies prance around a pool deck for four hours of my last free Friday afternoon. I RSVP with a polite "Maybe".

Nick messages me two hours later, telling me that I'm going to added as an administrator to the party and that I should invite people. "Uhh, Okay Nicky" I chirp as I accept the title and prepare to invite the School's football team. Upon closer inspection of the event, I learn that the party is being thrown at OUR APARTMENT. I groan so loud that my phantom tonsils hurt.

By Friday I was down to about three doses of painkillers, give or take an extra perkiset saved for a rainy day. Waking up after a twelve-hour coma-esque nap, Nick surprises me with good news: The party is postponed until Sunday. This is great.... Until Saturday night, when I wake up at 4am and realize that the little brown bottle of magic is finally at its end. The night turns into mourning as Will and Grace references, voices from Planet Unicorn, and gossip about Madonna's new tour terrorizes my brain. "Will I make it through this party?", "Will they think I'm not hip and tell their Daddy's to put a hit on me?", "Is there going to be unwanted sex in my bedroom?", "Am I going to commit a hate crime?...Is it a hate crime if I'm gay too?...Or is that domestic abuse?!

Nick convinces me to look at the possitive. Maybe I can get my hair styled, or someone will give me a massage... He makes appetizers that I can't eat and hands me the phone to give directions to one of his friends. The words don't come out clearly, the inside of my throat is essentially a chucky-doll of nerve endings. They ask me to repeat the directions... "Fruck Roff!" I gargle as I hand the phone back to Nick.

I camp-out, reading in a deck chair as the crowd begins to arrive. I find an attractive guy, but it turns out he simply lives in the building... with his wife... and was just out tanning on a whim (a pretty gay whim, in my opinion). Nick takes my book away and tells me not to be anti-social.

It becomes apparent that I'm not wearing enough bathing suits. In their own time, everyone at the party cat-walks out to the pool, puts down their sangria and strips off their first bathing suit to reveal some kind of banana hammock or another. Nick didn't take my phone, so I end up texting noteable quotes to my poor boyfriend back in New York City. NOTE: these are all very real quotes:


"Stop! I don't want to get these board shorts wet."

"Shut up! I broke a hundred pounds today... I feel like such a pig."

"Oh my God! I thought this was Presidente Light!"

"No, I'm a teacher. Are you a business major?"

"Nick, your bathing suit is see through! You're such a fag!"

"What's a bicep?"

"No! SPF means how much longer you can be out in the sun without getting burned. Like, if you normally get burned in 20 minutes, SPF 5 will keep you from getting burned for like, 100 minutes"

By the time my friend Ranier showed up the pool had turned a faded pinkish-brownish-color. Swimming was out for the day. "I'm not going in there" he said. He peeled off his outer bathing suit and again I felt alone. The highlight of the day was the massage he gave me. Unfortunately I had to reciprocate. It was in my best interest that I was unable to talk for the majority of the party. Instead, I worked Ranier's big black lumps to the best of my ability and tried to tune out the rest of the gawking crowd.

Judging by the quality of their hags, these homos were definitely C-list or below. My roommate dealt with his disappointment by drinking way too much sangria.


At one point I got too bored and sneezed some post-surgical blood into a Kleenex, purposefully leaving it beside my recliner in hopes that the event would surface on JuicyCampus.com

The party was to end at 4:00. Unfortunately, the South Beach Elite didn't arrive until 3:49. It turned out to be okay, since South Beach's Finest don't stay around one place for more than 30 minutes, and they most certainly DO NOT get their hair wet. The party was over by 5:00. I had the place cleaned and was napping by 6. Although the hosts thought the party a big ugly bust, the general review for our "Back to School, Butt-Buggger-Bash" was that the party was "FIERCE"

It wasn't until late Monday afternoon that I was able to obtain anymore pain killers, but the entire event has left me feeling raw and quite un-hip despite my current physical numbness.
On the bright side, the only queermo I made bleed was myself, and the only regret I have is that I didn't wash my sheets before taking my post-party nap.

Paul David models: Why no photo shoot is ever free

It is very well known that I have had my share of bad experiences with people in "The Biz". Some say it is because I attract the wrong kind of attention. Maybe it's the dancing on tables at work, the strip-teases-for-tips, the faggy blond highlights or maybe even the disturbingly accurate impressions I do of Zac Effron getting plowed by Perez Hilton.

People take an interest. These people come in the form of washed up industry-members-turned-social-parasites that prey on the innocence of the young and supposedly talented (although the talented part doesn't matter). These people slink between gay bars and politely wait for you to finish the night's 11 o'clock number... You get your knee from behind your neck and your head back on top of the rest of your body when they approach you with the usual pickup lines such as "Are you a model?", "You know Emporio Armani is looking for a new face for his cologne" and "Oh my God we finally get to meet THE ________" (While you're thinking..."How does his tongue reach the bottom of the glass like that?!") They hand over their business cards with victorious conclusion lines like "We'll see what we can do", "Give my secretary a call" and "You aren't allergic to dust, are you?"

His business card is out of date. It says the office is on south beach when he says they have relocated into the design district. When I Google him, the search returns a 60-year-old's Myspace, a model-hunter site I've never heard of (twinkshots.com???) and about fifteen sites that do background checks. There is a faint chuckle from the gnomes inside my computer who know you are in for it once again. 'No! This is progress,' I think, 'at least I'm not paying for pictures like some of those other "models" who "work"'.

His assistant calls. His voice is high pitched and feminine. Says it is urgent and that I need to bring a head shot and resume to the office ASAP. It's much easier to send an email. They inform that the head shot will simply not do and that THE Paul David has offered to shoot me for a reduced rate. The inclusion of the capitalized THE before his name is impressive, so I agree. "Hell, what've I got to lose?" I think... "You're dignity!!!" The gnomes' screams fall upon deaf ears as the iPod is already engaged and you are out the door to the train.

The landscape gets dark by the closest train stop. Maybe a Taxi is a better idea. "Hey, how much will it cost to take me to the design district?"
"What's the address"
"5040 NW 2nd Street"
"I don't go there. Hey Charlie! How much you charge to get this kid to little Havanna?"
-Oh shit.

Paul David's studio is hard to find. It is a small, grey, windowless storage space between a bail bondsman's office and a sort-of farmer's market that sells plastic hair. His doorman asks me for a dollar and I oblige, wanting to remain in possession of my iPod. The gnomes inside the little MP3 player are much more mean spirited than those inside of the computer. They make up words like "FailBait" and "Uberdouche"

It is sunset and Paul David wears motorcycle glasses inside his windowless apartment. His assistant is off for the evening, but when his phone rings he answers it with a high, feminine voice. He makes you feel special by disregarding his client just for you. He says "We've gotta go, the twink from Score is here" and he hangs up. I would feel bad for the caller, but in my opinion they are lucky that their call even got answered because I never heard the phone ring.

I act as PA when we set up the studio. Two flats turn upwards and move in front of a couple of old fashioned flashbulbs: the kind that smoke when they light up.

Paul David is very classy. He smokes hand-rolled cigarettes that smell like my uncle TearDrop. In fact, the whole studio/office/bedroom seems to smell like my uncle TearDrop. Before I could get lost in reminiscence of my dear old uncle, THE Paul David threw an Armani suit at me to wear for my first "Look". My eyes began to water, either it was the dust from the jacket or the intensity of wearing such a once-expensive piece of clothing. I wore the jacket with pride, but the pants didn't fit. They were a size 34 and I was a mere 30. Looking even more stupider, I found that my left arm was not in the sleeve at all, but in a hole torn into the armpit some time ago.

My pants fell down and I began to cry. I had been exposed as a fake. Not a real model at all! I couldn't even handle tiny discomforts like dust or a masturbating photographer!!! The flashing of the bulbs disoriented me. THE Paul David said this was a good thing, that I have a natural quality not possessed by anyone else in the world: ever. We did several looks that day in front of the flats normally used to keep his gigantic dogs from peeing on his bed. We did "Back to school", "Back to school- shirtless", "Back to school with a cap" and finally (for variation) "Sitting next to a motorcycle outside". I was told not to touch the motorcycle, and I didn't, but someone from the farmer's market yelled at me anyways and I started crying again.

When it was time to go, he threw my clothes at me and told me that he would be sending these pictures to Bruce Webber, Ferenc Esceki and Oscar Meyer! I was just that good! "The next big thing!" He gave me a CD of the pictures that day that made me feel otherwise.

Always the gentleman, Paul David offered to give me a ride home. He said we were friends now, "you don't have to call me THE Paul David unless we're around company". He tipped the doorman (or was it landlord?) and we sped off to I95. The a/c was broke but we didn't open the windows because it was going to rain and they don't close unless the car is stopped. The smell reminded me of uncle TearDrop again. The gnomes inside Paul David's car were cheering until we broke down about a mile from my home.

Paul David asked if I should rehearse my 11 O'clock number while we waited for AAA, but I insisted that I should be running, as he never called AAA and I had a previous engagement to pose nude for some on-line art class starting at 10:00.

Bionic Egg Web Design

Love, YouTube

why animal activists are often gaybashers

Long weekend

The best of Joel's laptop

Poor David's Pantry

Summertime, and the livin's itchy

Join the team

Welcome to Score Bar, where if you stare at the waiters long enough, they take off their shirts!

David Monoahan's Golden Banana Of Ireland is not paying the bills

history

Aug 9.... its cumming

I have a problem with the Brown stuff

David Monahan's Golden Banana of Ireland

forgot to post this last summer....

Gotta love film racing. Is this cheating?

Then... and Now

X2

Pic of the day:

Where in the @#$% is Carmen Sandiego?

The number one threat to kids today:

Carmen Sandiego

Why? Carmen Sandiego is an integral and hyper-subversive product of the Christian Science's Brainwashing Constituent.

Carmen Sandiego is an interactive, detective-style computer game in which children essentially stalk a femme-fatal thief. This "edutaining" program teaches subjects from geography and history to violent racism and homophobia. This program needs some purifigaytion with newer, more politically strident and liberating hideouts for Carmen.

An example of one game-play as it exists today:

"Hey there, gum-shoe. This is what we know so far:

-Carmen was seen eating latkes
-She was wearing a Miramax producer's jacket
-Reports of a woman babbling in Hebrew and devouring Christian babies match our perp's description

You wanna fly to Israel? Let's go!
Oh no! A henchman! We are hot on her heels!"

How we can make this game truly strident and educational in our modern world:

"Hey there, gum-shoe. This is what we know so far:

-Carmen was in a VW bus headed north on I95 two days ago.
-Before word cut out, our informant in the bus told us that he was baked out of his mind and about to take a hit of purple microdots with our villain. We heard the band Primus playing on the stereo during the transmission.
- Residents of Nashville's suburbs report a woman wearing only a red hat and matching thong screaming about bats in an open cornfield sometime around noon.

You wanna go to the Bonnaroo Music Festival?
A henchman! He has overdosed, so is no use for information, but you're hot on her heels.

The newest reports:
-We recently discovered an affair Carmen was having with a man named Waldo. He was a bitch to track down, but we finally have him in custody.
-He says that during his last meeting with Carmen, his condom broke.
-Waldo was arrested and taken into custody while engaging in anonymous sex with several hundred similarly dressed men at the White Swallow Bathhouse.

You wanna go to the STD clinic?
She's not here!

You wanna go to Planned Parenthood?
In the dumpster we found a fetus wearing a detective hat and red-stripped shirt! It's still warm, we still may catch her yet!

Finally a break!
-The fetus had a large bite mark taken out of it. We've scanned the marks with the national dental database and found that they match either Andy Dick or Christopher Reeve.

You want to go to West Hollywood?
Neither Carmen nor Andy Dick are here. Don't be so jumpy, gum-shoe. I haven't even given you the clues yet. We are really close, don't screw this up!

-Andy Dick has political ties terrorist associations such as Al Queda, Payless BombSource and the Allan Cummings Fan Club.
-Waldo was found dead in his fire-island studio apartment this week. He had his testicles cut off. He died of asphyxiation due to a red and white stripped burqa tied around his neck.

You want to go spelunking in the Middle East? Fine, don't listen to my last clue, ya jumpy bitch!
...Holy hot dogs! You found Carmen Sandiego!

Okay gum-shoe, nice work. I hope you didn't take me calling you a jumpy bitch personally. You're still going to share the credit for this one with me, right? I mean, I did provide you with all of the clues while you essentially sat on your ass and clicked a few buttons... No? Well fine! Fuck you.
The latest news:
-Carmen has escaped custody, come to your home and raped you with a strap-on using oil-based lube! Now the pores in your ass are clogged and you'll get zits on your O-ring to add to the existing discomfort. How do you like them apples, gum-shoe?!"


See, guys? Isn't that just better? Not only was it more edutational; it was more exciting, contemporary and relevant. Instead of teaching the kids about geography and anti-semistism, they learn lessons that finally tie together themes of teamwork, current events, geography, and even that talk with mom about why Uncle Tom now wants to be called Miss Nancy. It is wrong to abandon a cherished icon of Americana simply because it is outdated.

Happy hunting!
-MaxV

Why Terrence Koh love ME... not You

my deerest deer max

howl could you ever bore meeYOU have great nipples

i have been flying againSORRRY  as me had mee big performance in
athens last night with two go go boys

now i am happily in berlin where i am gettting ready to shoot and
direct my first FILM

its called GOD and i am GOD and it stars lots of hot german boys and
about 20 of them doggy me

and we are filming bunny scenes with rabbit masks running around the
german black forest

and we are SHOOTHING stars a scene with me on the most beautiful
white horse

you should come to berlin to be in GOD

i am in miami early december accordingly to my global travel co-
ordinates


i have to run now as my white smokes is here


how do you know i am not a fat ugly pimply old man

its powerful
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
t
ps.
to spell my name in cum must take lots of cum  canyou send me a
highRES version of it so i can use it in my upcoming BOOK
www.asianpunkboy.com

mee performance in athens last night

but imagine very hard all is set to a POUNDING HARD TECHNO soundtrack
played so hard till your ears are splitting and the two bright lights
so bright your eyes are SPLITTING

loveemost
t

if i were a real person i would say i am sorry
but bad is just as great as happy in mee
POPPED AS LIKE WHITE STARS IN MY NOSTRIUM
picture is knot me i would say
just a ghostly example
cold in berlin i am
miss athen gold sun
X
t

i thought you hated me CAUSE yo rolled yo eyes    it really hurt
but now i know its not

drawings i did APPROX  two weeks ago in new york over new nights
i had to cum about 6 times a night DIFFICULT

i wish i was real

video will send
if i am given it  EARS

x

shall we tell boring truths
4:53am in berlin
working on all bloody stuff around the world
but
soon soon
www.asianpunkboy.com is gonna be relaunced

casa de koh?
high
not sober
kinda horny
but so there almost beyond HORNED

shall i sleeepp
please send me secretly your WHAT INSOMNIACS DO AT 3:01AM video

i came when you made out with that girl twice i tink

Xt

http://www.andreasangelidakis.blogspot.com/

My Deerest Ladybug

This sundae i will be giving a lecture at the House of World Cultures in Berlin

I will talk about WORLD POLITICS

I do hope if you are around you can hear the power coming from all our hearts.

Your Son,

Terence Koh

Sunday, 16th Sept 2007

Theatersaal, Haus der Kulturen der Welt/ House of World Cultures

Eintritt mit Ticket der Ausstellung "New York - States of Mind", 5 Euro, ermäßigt 3 Euro/ Admission with ticket to exhibition "New York - States of Mind", 5 Euro, concessions 3 Euros.

6:30 pm

Terence Koh

The Sun

Lecture @ Lecture Hall Auditorium

its strange to meet a stranger
you give me juice   little trinkets of happiness because you have the
energy
its so important the the  the no way that you have to put your thing
on that for people to see   its like being naked but you have to be
fully fully naked you know
find the little hurrican in the sea
london i fly tommorrow  here in berlin i am tonight   paris i was
last night
and wish you were along as power
i hope you do not think i am just wanted your cum just like that
i we have a sadness that is beyond
i think it fate of eternal sadness   we both cry under two moons no
one realizes
i wore my black fox shawl today
i am falling
X

The earth is but a shadow in the wintry lake of my soul

deer friends!

garrick and i have aged unnaturally due to rampant drug abuse

but we are still just as horny!!!

love
terence & garrick

doo yoo

live in la

my gallerist is having an opening tonight with my friend dash snow

say hello to javier peres my gallerist

969 chung king road somewhere in the heat of chinatown

with simmers
t

deer cookie!

Vaginal davis quote of the day/pictures from BLAB

"...After i´ve been singing a while i get the audience worked up and i art direct a whorgy where one well endowed young German boy starts performing fellatio on one of the living pieces of sculpture and gets so excited that he ejaculates with a geyser like intensity all over juicy artist Dean Samashima, Diane Von Furstenberg and Mike Kelley, who left his own opening to attend this one, and i don´t think he appreciated getting sperm all over his clothing."

http://www.vaginaldavis.com/blog/

from dick cave in berlin

terror

http://www.peresprojects.com/exhibit_press_release.php?location_id=2&exhibit_id=142

deer deer
what doo yo
my camera brokey
and i writey a M V in sharpie on my fings and NOW it knot showing
like a moon destroyed by a wave
X
t

happy birthday
...
loves, t

MIAMI I AM DEC2-7  ARE YO
LIKE A RABBIT BY THE MOON
HOPING THERE IN WILDERNESS ASS WELL

max meet garrick
garrick meet max

if you ever get lost in new york or robbed or stolen

garrick's yo man

come visit dee white ship
make it dirty
drink with garrick    he loves the BOOZE

xTc

Why bother with a real boyfriend?

yes please i order fo rmyself

Xt


>
>
>
> http://www.realdoll.com/maledoll1.asp
>
> http://www.realdoll.com/flatbackmaletorso.html

AND TODAY:

Harry Potter

ENG 495
Queer Studies in Literature: featuring titles such as "Dotty Gets Spanked" "A Cyborg Manifesto" "The Fantasy of Pansexuality" and "Bloodchild"

Among topics such as male impregnation by giant cockroach-creatures ("Bloodchild"), we covered an interesting new phenom: Harry Potter SLASH fiction. An interesting blend of erotic fetish literature and childhood stories, Harry Potter is once again the subject of a new kind of theme.

These stories are mainly written by young women with too much time on their hands. The plots generally focus of gay rape, gay love, male impregnation and of course macrophelia.

"Afterwards he lay silent, wondering if Potter was asleep yet. One thing he had forgotten which now came back to him full force: if spunk dried in the crevices it itched like fury. He was desperate to wash it off, but he didn't want to wake the boy.

Then he felt it; a strange almost-tingle deep inside him, as if someone with a wand had cast Lumos. If he hadn't been lying so still he probably wouldn't have noticed it, so he was grateful for that at least. He'd never believed the tales he'd read of women feeling the moment of conception, and was rather surprised it had happened to him. Perhaps it was the potion.

The room was quite black so he couldn't look, but he could hear Potter's quiet, deep breathing. At least the boy didn't snore, though that would have had the advantage of signalling when he was properly asleep. Snape slid out of bed and made for the bathroom.

When he returned Potter was still asleep, but as he slid under the covers Potter moved towards him and murmured, "Missed you," quite distinctly. Snape waited for a moment. He wondered if he'd find out the name of Potter's dream girl, but he said nothing more.

Snape lay awake, staring up into the darkness." (Site)

Harry Potter Slash Site

ANOTHER Harry Potter Slash site


The class's group project was to create a presentation based on this form of literature. As captain of my gay little ship, I decided to blend another unique form of Harry Potter fandom, Harry Potter's Puppet Pals:




This is what we came up with in our rather brief meeting:



The magic never ends!

Facebook applications

Facebook is a social networking utility that connects YOU with the superficial douche bags around you.

In the last year or so, people have begun to become agitated by newly introduced applications sponsored by various spam-companies. The most popular application is the "stalker application" that allows one to know when friends comment each other, join/leave groups, hook up/break up, add photos, meet people, are in the shower, etc. Other applications include "graffiti wall", "Ninjas V Pirates", "Zombie club", "Entourage" and "Send a drink"

Although these new features are a contemporary product, they are still not modern and up to date with the throbbing pulse of our youth. New applications should be added. they should have catchy slogans and be allowed to access our information, put a box in our profile, email us weekly newsletters fabout Viagra discounts and then dump us when we leave the state.


Facebook applications that are just more useful:


"Track record"- a personalized forum open only to those who have been in a relationship with the applications user. This application can include various ratings (quality of body, personality, fellatio, car, etc), embarrassing threadable stories, roofie awards, and most importantly; the abortion count.

"Give superficial shit" would be sponsored by pretentious high end designer lines of various goods. People can pay full price for digital versions of clothes, accessories, phones, jewelry and grillz so that everyone who visits your page knows just how much better than them you are!

"Kryps V Bloods"- a virtual gangster society where people don't know that every person is white. You can design your own thug, commit e-drive by's, e-smack your digi-ho and mug other people of their "superficial shit"

"Dealers V Customers" is a hybrid of the "Zombie" and "Vs" applications in which you can "bite" people by selling them pot (1pt), pills (2pts) coke (3pts), crack (5pts) or even Substance D (7pts)

"FSA- Facebook-Stalkers-Anonymous" is a support application that cancels out every application on your account. When attempting to stalk manually, the application sends out an electronic signal through the user's mouse and shocks them.

"Hate crime count"- displays pictures of every Facebook member you have committed a hate crime against. Is very similar to the existing "Pedophile Count" and "Date-rape count"

"Give Meds"- is helpful for that friend who obviously needs an adderol, xanax, vicodin, roofie, whatever. This would help combat actual drug use by glorifying it on the Internet.

"Slutty Backstabbing Skank" is an application that allows people to receive a special alert when a designated friend has become single. This is a revolutionary tool since it is a common atrocity today that we have to navigate all the way to an object of affection's page only to find out that we cannot have sex with them!

"People you've never met" application would include a photo-journal of all those people you are "e-friends" with who have default pictures taken by themselves in the mirror since they don't have an actual friend (us Facebook people call them "Tangibles")

MV

Great T-shirt Idea

Max's Dictionary

Friday, Nov 2-
Bisexual- (n/adj)
(a) Female attention whore
(b) The stage guys go through before they come out of the closet (see Emo)

Sat, Nov 3-
Douche- (n)
(a) My roommate
(b) That guy who called me a fagot on Halloween (apparently he didn't like my John Wayne Bobbit outfit...)
(c) The friend of that guy who called me a fagot on Halloween that punched me from behind
(d) Andy Dick

Sun, Nov 4-
Pussy- (n)
(a) that thing nobody who reads my blog wants to hear about
(b) anyone who wouldn't have stood up to that guy who called me a fagot on Halloween
(c) anyone who needs seven friends around to start a fight
(c) I think it refers to a small, domesticated feline too...

Mon, Nov 5-
Compton- (n)
(a) A place in Los Angeles that every rapper claims to be from
(b) A place in Los Angeles that too many white people act like they come from
(c) A good place for Jewish lightening to hit your car

Tues, Nov 6-
Literature- (n) blow-hards blowing hard

Weds, Nov 7-
Superman that Ho- (v?); the black people still won't tell me what it means until it's not cool anymore. It is most likely either:
(a) cumming on a girl's back/ass (See: tramp stamp) and not wiping it off so that she wakes up stuck to a bed sheet
OR
(b) flying out of there after you give your girl (AKA Chicken Head) herpes

Thurs, Nov 8-
Turbin- (n); a hat you can hide a bomb in

Fri, Nov 9-
Ironic- (adj)
(a) Full of iron.
(b) Me getting punched in the face for no good reason (karma excluded)
(c) Pogo the clown (right)

How to be Hardcore

It has come to what little attention I have that I may have been a touch rough with the Emo kids in a recent post.

The Emo epidemic is a growing phenomenon. It is hurting/weakening/perverting our youth. "EMO", it turns out actually stands for "Eating Mostly Orphans". This young author thinks that notion is Evil/Moronic/Offensive!

Satan's fad is taking its toll on south Florida youth! Children are overheating from a combination of summer heat and excessive black clothing. Allowances are sadly trashed on piercings, eye liner and AFI albums. Perfectly good wrists are scarred. Even more perfectly good razors are getting wasted. These victimized kids eventually lash out, become closet-homosexuals and often commit hate crimes like yelling "Fag!" at passing pedestrians from their 9 year old Volvos.

Mostly importantly however, is how soft these kids are becoming. Every hardcore motherfucker knows that if you can't find a good fight and need to cut yourself to unleash you inner-pain, you go down the street, not across the tracks, "Make it count, fagot!"

What these EMO boys and girls need to do is toughen the fuck up and upgrade to the "Hardcore" clique. You don't have to be attractive. You don't have to be smart. All you need is to do a lot of drugs and be able to talk about a fight you almost just got into.

(Consider this community service for my presidential platform when I run in '08)

MAX VICIOUS pumps YOU up!

Everybody meet my assistant Mike.

Say "hi", Mike.

Mike: "WAHHH!!!!HELLOOOO THERE!!!!"

Good to have you on the show. This brings me to

Lesson 1: Scream alot. Whether you are happy, sad, excited, bummed, angry, hurt, or just having your period. The more you scream, the more cred you are ultimately to receive.

Lesson 2: Don't actually scream. I mean, we call it "screaming" but its actually not very loud without a microphone. What you do is make a rumble from a low place in your throat like you would when sucking a cock. Screamo kids love that sound.

Lesson 3: Buy a lot of drugs. Note that Max Vicious does not advocate any drug use, but does recommend that you have some on hand in order for these kids to like you. One healthy approach is to take a sewing needle and poke it repeatedly into the soft side of the elbow to create fabulous faux-track marks

Lesson 4: Buy an instrument, but whatever you do; DO NOT learn how to play it. Structure and form are the antithesis of what hardcore/metal/screamo (call it what you will) stands for. You might as well get a synthesizer, choreographer, agent, or tattoo of a Jack's Mannequin album cover!

Lesson 5: Get violent, people! This lesson applies to everyone on earth. Nobody on this planet seems to get that this society feeds on violence. If there was just a little more violence in the home daily (I'm talking only two teaspoons), our nation would save hundreds of billions of dollars in filling our national violence quota. Remember that chicks dig scars, open wounds, blood, missing teeth and the occasional "Sylvester Stalone sweet-talk".

Lesson 6: Nothing says "Punk ass hardcore motherfucker" like a facebook group. Start one up! Give it a hardcore name like "I shit on my ex-girlfriend's grave", "Twenty stitches later...", or "The casual sex facebook group"; none of that sissy "Pirates Vs. Ninjas" crap.

Lesson 7: Shave your head. The Neo-Nazi look is really vogue right now.

Lesson 8: Smoke crack before your shows.

Lesson 9: No smiling in pictures.

Lesson 10: You can still wear the eye-liner... but this time draw a cock-and-balls on your face with the pencil so people think you passed out and that you actually have friends who drew it.


Who knows; if all goes to plan you may end up with a friend or two, minimal brain damage... and even a GIRLFRIEND! She won't like your music, but will totally respect that you play...

Right, Mike?
Mike- "THAT'S ROIT!!! Her love gives me butterflies... BUTTERFLIES!!!"

Max's Dictionary

It is time. The world in which we live needs more than dicktionary.com can offer.

MAX'S PETTING ZOO
is proud to present your weekly
WORDS OF THE DAY!

Now remember, if you hear the word on it's specified day; SCREAM REAL LOUD!
Also remember, I am not making these up. This is entirely objective social observation!

Friday, Oct 26
Love:N-
(a) Anything that doesn't involve sex in Hollywood
(b) A myth
(c) A means of controlling/using/abusing/hurting people (see Organized Religion)
(c) Pat (aww...)

Sat, Oct 27
Gay:Adj-
(a) Anything I don't like. This word is no longer associated with homosexuality. The new term for a homosexual person is "Badass"
(b) Happy, generally in a musical theatre context. Actually; anything in a musical theatre context

Sun, Oct 28
Fag:N-
(a) Anyone I don't like, also not exclusively homosexual.
(b) A republican senator.
(c) This guy-

Mon, Oct 29
Monday:N-
A person of African Descent; a jungle bunny; a guy with a bigger dick than me; a burberry daddy

Tues, Oct 30
Jihad:N-
Agression cause by lousy strip clubs, racial intollerance, unibrows, excessive homophobia, no South Park, too-tight turbans, suicidal family members, lack of Hello Kitty endorsements, and an economic structure in which even the aristocracy resides in caves

Weds, Oct 31
Halloween:N-
(a) A song by Dave Matthews Band
(b) A holiday meant to celebrate the dead
(c) A holiday where girlyboys dress up as girls, slutty girls dress as sluts, attention whores try to be funny with retarded costumes nobody gets, perverts drug candy, and a wonderful time is had by all!


Thurs, Nov 1
Andy:n-
A dick.

And I complain about homework-

The Cost of Being LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, and/or Trans) in Today’s World.

Algeria – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Angola – Labor Camps
Antigua and Barbuda – 15 Years in Prison
Bahrain – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Bangladesh – 10 Years to Life in Prison
Barbados – Life in Prison
Belize – 10 Years in Prison
Benin – 3 Years in Prison
Bhutan – 1 Month to 1 Year in Prison
Botswana – A Fine to 7 Years in Prison
Brunei – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Cameroon – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Cook Islands – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Djibouti – 10 to 12 Years in Prison
Dominica – 10 Years in Prison
Egypt – 5 Years in Prison
Eritrea – 3 to 10 Years in Prison
Ethiopia – 10 Days to 3 Years in Prison
Gambia – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Ghana – Not Known
Grenada – 10 Years in Prison
Guinea – 6 Months to 3 Years in Prison
Guinea Bissau – Labor Camps
India – A Fine to Life in Prison
Iran – Death
Jamaica – 10 Years Hard (Rock hard!) Labor
Kenya – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Kiribati – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Kuwait – A Fine to 7 Years in Prison
Lebanon – A Fine to 1 Year in Prison
Lesotho – Not Known
Liberia – A Fine
Libya – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Malawi – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Malaysia – A Fine to 20 Years in Prison
Mauritania – Death
Mauritius – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Morocco – 6 Months to 3 Years in Prison
Mozambique – Labor Camps
Myanmar/Burma – 10 Years to Life in Prison
Namibia – Not Known
Nauru – 14 Years Hard Labor
Nepal – A Fine to 1 Year in Prison
Nicaragua – 1 to 3 Years in Prison
Nigeria – 5 Years in Prison to Death
Niue – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Oman – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Pakistan – 2 Years to Life in Prison
Palau – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Palestine – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Papua New Guinea – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Qatar – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Saint Kitts and Nevis – 10 Years in Prison
Saint Lucia – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Saint Vincent and Grenadines – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Samoa – A Fine to 7 Years in Prison
Sao Tome and Principe – Labor Camps
Saudi Arabia – Death
Senegal – 1 Month to 5 Years in Prison
Seychelles – A Fine to 2 Years in Prison
Sierra Leone – Life in Prison
Singapore – 2 Years in Prison
Solomon Islands – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Somalia – 3 Months in Prison to Death
Sri Lanka – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Sudan – 5 Years in Prison to Death
Swaziland – A Fine
Syria – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Tanzania – A Fine to 25 Years in Prison
Togo – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Tokelau – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Trinidad and Tobago – 25 Years in Prison
Tunisia – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Turkmenistan – A Fine to 2 Years in Prison
Tuvalu – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Uganda – A Fine to Life in Prison
United Arab Emirates – Death
Uzbekistan – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Yemen – Flogging to Death
Zambia – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Zimbabwe – A Fine to 1 Year in Prison

The above list was compiled from data available at

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_by_country

Too lazy for a "Dear Max" entry

I offer soft, warm and moist appologies for not posting a blog in almost a week. Is there anything, and I mean ANYTHING that I can do to make it up to you?

This weekend was an action-packed (and I mean PACKED) adventure! More on that when the pictures come back.

In the meantime, since it's been so long, I offer TWO top ten lists for the price of one! Because really, you must have been a mess without me.

Inspired by my roommate who never leaves the room:

10 Signs You Are about to get Dumped

10) She doesn't have your number

9) She sleeps in your brother's room/sister's room/roommate's bed/dog's crate

8) She's pressing charges for that one magical night you shared

7) Her phone "has been disconnected" whenever you call from your phone

6) She has all ready moved on, on Facebook/Her Facebook page has comments like "You dump that faggot/douche/twat yet??"

5) She wants her eye makeup back

4) She takes a cab home after dates

3) All you do is eat out

2) She stops shaving

1) She stops douching.

Ten Signs that You Have No Friends

11) (BONUS!) You are my roommate

10) Your phone has no memory of missed calls... ever.

9) Your phone kills itself

8) Your dog cuts himself

7) Your mom forgets your name

6) Only one person shows up to your kegger- and steals the keg

5) You still play Pokemon

4) You hang out with Andy Dick

3) The gays don't want to make you over

2) Your sister pretends not to speak English

1) You cry when your favorite blogging stranger is MIA for four days.



If you find yourself suffering any of these symptoms; it's okay!

Remember, there is no "I" in "EMO*"

What is funny, my roomate is not even emo*. He's simply a regular everyday douche from Brooklyn.

**Emo: acronym for Extreme-MO

The Award Ceremony

T-Room Larry Becomes Iowa Hall Of Flamer Famer

Sen. Larry Craig was named Saturday night to the Idaho Hall of Fame, despite his well-publicized arrest and GUILTY plea in an airport sex sting.

I think it is politically forward thinking and ethically enlightened to place a man who pleads guilty to trolling for sex in a public bathroom to a place of Honor among Iowa’s sons and daughters.

Taking my cue from the wise Iowans, Max Vicious presents:

Vicious recommendations for the Country’s Highest Honors

1. Memorabilia Collector of the Year goes to O. J. Simpson
2. Mother of the Year goes to (a tie!) Brittney Spears and Jamie Lynne Spears
3. Father of the Year goes to Chris Benoit (too soon?)
4. Husband of the Year goes to Chris Benoit
5. Parent – Child Communication Award goes to Alec Baldwin
6. Wife of the Year goes to Heather Mills (and some people thought she didn’t have a leg to stand on)
7. Couple of the Year goes to Heath Brokeback Ledger and Michelle Jack Nasty Williams
8. D.A.R.E. Prom King goes to Peter Doherty
9. D.A.R.E. Prom Queen goes to (a tie!) Amy Winehouse and Andy Dick
10. Teacher of the 21^st Century goes to Mary Kay Laterno
11. MILF of the 21^st Century goes to Angelina Jolie
12. M anyone under 13 can F goes to Mary Kay Laterno
13. Best Car Pool Dad goes to (a tie!) Kiefer Sutherland & David Hasselhoff
14. Best Baby Sitter goes to (a tie!) Michael Jackson, Marilyn Manson, Brittney Spears
15. Dive Team Captain goes to Johnny Fairplay
16. The Mother Teresa Award for Inconspicuous Good Deeds goes to Angelina Jolie
17. The Son of the Year Award goes to Ashton Kutcher (He thanks Demi for the nomination)
18. Marriage & Family Association Person of the Year goes to Pam Anderson
19. “Put on a Happy Face” Award goes to Avril Lavigne
20. The Loyal Friend Award goes to Barbara Walters
21. Hasselback Free Speech Award goes to Rosie O’Donnell
22. American Speech Coach Association Award goes to Rosie Perez
23. National Personal Hygiene Award goes to Benicio Del Toro
24. Knights of the White Magnolia Award goes to Barack Oboma
25. Jenny Craig Person of the Year goes to Beth Ditto
26. “Wind Beneath My Wings” Award goes to Bill Clinton
27. “Not a Lesbian’ Award goes to (a tie!) Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart
28. “Not the Father” of a Lesbian Award goes to (a tie!) Dick Cheney and Bruce Willis
29. “Not a Homo” Award goes to Howard K. Stern.
30. “Just Acting Like A Homo” Award goes to (a “three way” tie!) Monsignor Tommaso Stenico*, Florida House member Bob Allen, Louisiana Republican Joey DiFatta, and Republican Senetor Larry Craig!
31. “Not a Homo” Anymore Award goes to Ted Haggard and Matthew “Dirty” Sanchez
32. Italian American Image Award goes to James Gandolfini
33. Catholic League of Decency Man of the Year goes to Monsignor Tommaso Stenico
34. Red Neck Image Award goes to Fred Thompson (previously won by George W. Bush)
35. Musician of the Year goes to Jared Leto
36. Comedian of the Year goes to Jay Leno
37. Heterosexual Rock Star Stud Award goes to John Mayer
38. Heterosexual R&B Star Stud Award goes to Usher
39. Heterosexual Rapper Star Stud Award goes to Nelly
40. Heterosexual Movie Star Award goes to (a “three way” tie!) John Travolta , Zac Efron, and Tom Cruz
41. Independent Woman Award goes to Katie Holmes
42. Nobel Peace Prize goes to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
43. Best Female Vocalist goes to Marlee Matlin
44. Overeaters’ Anonymous Person of the Year goes to Mary-Kate Olsen
45. “Light Under A Bushel” Award goes to Michael Moore
46. Miss South Carolina goes to Lauren Caitlin
47. Miss Milan Goes to this chick:
48. Miss Puerto Rico goes to Ricky Martin
49. Teen Role Model Award Goes to Lindsay Lohan
50. Human Decency and Respect Award goes to (a tie!) Andy Dick and Dick Cheney because it’s really, all about the dick.

*http://www.abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=3728611

Why we SHOULD hit Faggots with our cars...

THOROUGH Research has been completed, and the results are in:

AMERICA is in the middle of a crisis.
And no, it's not a fashion crisis-

Prophetic leaders in our nation have worked like monks to determine what the the next scapegoat will be. The suspects: Terrorists, Blacks, Escherichia coli, The Homeless, The Gays, The Retarded or of course The Prairie Dogs.
And this years sensationalist scapegoat of the year is.... (drum roll)
The gays!... AGAIN!...Not fabulous, guys!

Here's what the experts said:

"Pat Robertson

Gays were behind Hitler

"many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals, the two things seem to go together, it is a pathology it is a sickness." - Pat Robertson on TV (I've seen the actual footage) - http://www.pfaw.org/issues/right/rtvw.antigay.shtml"

"Gays are diseased, depressed, and miserable

“You know, one of the great misnomers in our society is the term `gay.’ That somebody who is involved in something that is leading to suicide, where the V.D. rate is 11 times that of others, which are almost driven and ashamed and fearful and confused and psychotic and all the others that we read about plaguing this part of our society. The term gay is the most serious misuse of the English language. They’re not gay, they’re very, very depressed and miserable.” - 700 Club, 5-6-82 (source: People for the American Way Foundation)"

"Gays are after children

“It’s one thing to say, `We have rights to jobs...we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing.’ It’s an entirely different thing to say, well, `We’re not only going to go into the schools and we’re going to take your children and your grandchildren
and turn them into homosexuals.’ Now that’s wrong.” - 700 Club, 9-17-92 (source: People for the American Way Foundation)"

"Gays want to disprupt churches, spread AIDS and spit at ministers

"[Homosexuals]want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers." Pat Robertson, 700 Club, 1/18/95 - People for the American Way Web site, http://www.pfaw.org/issues/right/rtvw.antigay.shtml"

"Jerry Falwell

God hates homosexuality

"god hates homosexuality" - Jerry Falwell on TV"

"The Family Research Council

Gays will recognize pedophiles as prophets

"...one of the primary goals of the homosexual rights movement is to abolish all age of consent laws and to eventually recognize pedophiles as the 'prophets' of a new sexual order." - "Homosexual Activists Work to Normalize Sex With Boys," FRC publication, July 1999, http://www.frc.org/misc/bl057.pdf

Columbine killers might be gay/bisexual

"What Are The Media Hiding?....the media have been slow to give a full profile of the killers -avoiding any mention of their alleged bisexuality as reported by several students....Matt Drudge describes them in his report as 'gay, jock-hating, confederate flag-wearing, goth rock & Marilyn Manson loving, white supremacist, fingernail polish wearing, Hitler birthday celebrating outcasts'....One student shortly after the attack said they were militant 'gays' who were retaliating against jocks. Another student said on NBC's Today Show that the trench coat kids bragged about being bisexual... No American news outlet has reported that bi-sexuality could have played a part in the tragedy." - FRC's "CultureFacts", April 21, 1999, http://www.frc.org/culture/cu99d3.html

Matt Shepard, and gays generally, will not inherit the kingdom of God

"homosexuals are included in a list of sinners, who, if unrepentant, will not inherit the kingdom of God." - Family Research Council press release about Matt Shepard's funeral, on the day of the funeral, October 16, 1998, http://www.frc.org/press/101698.html. The release implied that a gay person who had not yet become, or tried to become, an "ex-gay" was "unrepentant."

"Lesbianism akin to eating off the floor

"You don’t have to eat the stale crumbs off the dirty floor, which is basically what lesbianism is."- AFTAH Web site interview with FRC's Yvette Cantu, http://www.americansfortruth.org/ycc_interview.htm "

(What the fuck does that one even mean?!")

"Gays don't like children

"To me, thinking that a gay [male] couple would even want to adopt a child is bizarre [because] I can’t imagine them wanting that kind of responsibility. The homosexuals I knew who had been married before had already dumped their kids on their ex-wives, and were perfectly happy to see them two weeks out of the year! If they had children, what would happen when they were too busy having their sex parties?" - AFTAH Web site interview with FRC's Yvette Cantu, http://www.americansfortruth.org/ycc_interview.htm "

Matt Shepard compared to a drunk

" 'They create a climate and environment of intolerance and give license to those who seek to vent their rage or frustration on an entire community,' Human Rights Campaign executive director Elizabeth Birch said Wednesday, addressing a Washington rally attended by the likes of actress Ellen DeGeneres and Alan Simpson, a Republican former senator from Wyoming. Ms. Farish vehemently rejects such allegations. 'Don't blame AA because a drunk was beat up,' she said." - Heather Farish of the Family Research Council, quoted in the Dallas Morning News article, "Why now? Other gays have been victims of brutal attacks, but the slaying of a Wyoming student has caused a national outcry," by Brooks Egerton, October 17, 1998."

Other Faggish FACTS:

"

* Gays have sex with animals
* Tattoo AIDS patients, castrate gays
* AIDS is a Godsend
* Gays eat feces
* Gays engage in torture and pedophilia
* Put AIDS patients in detention centers
* Outlaw homosexuality, register gays
* Gays prey on the young
* Homosexuality is caused by older predators
* Gays are pedophiles
* Gays molest children
* Gays consume blood
* Gays are promiscuous
* Gays have abnormal sex
* Treating AIDS patients is risky
* Gays are medical horror story
* Gays are sexually troubled
* Gays are unhealthy, violent, and bad parents
* Gays beat their spouses * Gay parents molest their children * Gays don't believe in commitment * Thomas Jefferson said to castrate gays * Gays attack children ... * Gays chose to get AIDS
* Gays aren’t safe or masculine
* Being gay is akin to pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia
...* Acceptance of homosexuality leads to "death and despair"
* Satan uses homosexuals
* Homosexuality is a "deathstyle"
* Lesbian love is "a lie"
* Lesbians are "broken people" with "a lack of self-worth"
* Gays out to destroy marriage
* Gay rights will bring wrath of God
* Gays need a good "whack"
* Abuse is main cause of homosexuality
* Gay parents are "child abuse"
* Gay cabal controls everything
* Being gay is like drug addiction
* Gays haven't found Jesus
* Gays join devil in attacking family

"

SOURCE:

http://www.hatecrime.org/subpages/hatespeech/robertson.html

The Max Vicious solution:a good old fashioned Hallocaust!

Max's TOP TEN VICIOUS REASONS TO ATTEMPT AN EXTERMINATION OF THE GAYS...AGAIN:



10)"Broadway cares, EQUITY fights AIDs" Is actually a cover-up conspiracy set forth by the gay mafia that actually supplies terrorists with funds (As long as the terrorists bomb buildings that are either architecturally insignificant or just not aesthetically pleasing)

9) All gay people smoke crack

8)Gays possess what is known as the "Zombie" or "Vampire" affect: their gayness can spread onto a heterosexual during a molestation (EX: any Theatre Dept.)

7) They also spread West Nile Virus

6) The E! Channel

5) Gays writing is self-indulgent and exclusively about the author's self or kind

4) West Hollywood

3) Andy Dick

2) Britney Spears

1)Gays don't think it's wrong to be gay, which implies moral perversion on issues from abortion to gay-zombie-control

Lynching makes for a decent cardio workout as well- Just make sure not too get bit by those queers... or else you're next!

Just kidding: someone's gunna be out to getcha even if you're not gay... they'll think of something :-)

Love only,

-Max Zombie

Hate Crime of the Week!

In local Miami News:

"Hit-And-Run Victim Targeted For Being Gay

31-Year-Old Remains In ICU Three Weeks Later"

Link to Hate Crime of the Week:

HATE CRIME, LOCAL 10

Driver's TOP TEN HATE CRIME QUOTES of the week:

10) "Let's see if Tinkerbell can fly"

9) "You see that fine piece of ass? I would totally hit that."

8) "Let's hit someone with the car and then go to the gym.
Anyone seen my undersized t-shirt and D&G shades?"

7) "A fag ...on South Beach?! Get him!"

6) "Oops I did it again!"

5) "Is he still singing? No? Oh shit, this is serious!"

4) "I swear I thought he was Jewish..."

3) "Why did the Pansie cross the road...?"

2) It was an accident- I was blinded by all the glitter"

1)"I am a very unhappy and conflicted person but I have such a socially inspired psychiatric construct against any inward investigation of my aberrational notions that I am unable to deal with my problems... Hey look, a queer!"

...love only?

-MaxVicious

Freedom- Love it or strap in!

Freedom in Sexuality- An Uncensored Essay from an Uppity Fag

“It's so wonderful being a gay person. I said that before. I'm going to say it again. I love being gay. And I love gay people. I think we're better than other people. I really do. I think we're smarter and more talented and more aware and I do, I do, I totally do. And I think we're more tuned in to what's happening, tuned into the moment, tuned into our emotions, and other people's emotions, and we're better friends. I really do think all of these things. And I try not to forget them” –Larry Kramer

Being a homosexual male is advantageous in our society today. America as a whole is no longer afraid of the homosexual as much as they are simply bored of the critical issues CAUSED by the community’s own irresponsibility and lack of cohesion. They can’t do anything about it so they stop caring. In the entertainment industry, for example; being gay can either be the biggest advantage or disadvantage a person may have. It is absolutely dependant on the intelligence and self-respect of said homo.

Being gay comes with a plethora of stereotypes; obviously these stereotypes are mostly negative. Society has a less than tolerant reaction to these stereotypes and I cannot always blame them. It is primarily the lifestyle, not the gender preference that most people are against (except for those anti-gay-marriage freaks). It is this essential subject that really bothers me. A person of loose sexual boundaries, flippant attitude and spoiled-little-girl demeanor deserves a return of the exact same energy that they have polluted our world with regardless of their sexuality. During this past summer I lived in West Hollywood for three months. During that time I was:

-sexually harassed by a major talent agent (“I would probably sign you if we were dating”)

-molested by two professional photographers (“Let’s do nudes”/”Can I see it?”),

-propositioned by producers, costume designers, actors, bar managers, senators (kidding), bartenders, writers, guys masturbating in their Volvos (NOT kidding), etc.

-facebook “poked” by over forty guys whose pickup message was simply either “you’re cute” or, “nice pics”

-groped in some form buy a middle aged businessman EVERY NIGHT that I worked the Hollywood Improv (logically located in West Hollywood)

I am not trying to be a self-hating-homo as much as a younger, wittier, more sardonic and less crazy Larry Kramer (whose work I really recommend adding to our reading list). For those of you who are not familiar, Larry Kramer is an ex-gay-manslut turned AIDs-awareness-activist. In his famous speech “The Tragedy of Today’s Gays” Kramer rips the collective gay ass wide open. In this eye opening speech, he admits his own contribution to the AIDs crisis; “I know I murdered some of them. I just know. You know how you sometimes know things? I know. Several hundred over a bunch of years, I have to have murdered some of them, planting in him the original seed.” (Kramer)

Kramer has grown from circuit-clubber, to raving lunatic, to highly respected raving lunatic. “I know many people look to me for answers. Perhaps that is why many of you are here. You want answers? We're living in pigshit and it’s up to each one of us to figure out how to get out of it. You must know that by now. Crystal meth is not an answer. You must know that by now…You want to kill yourself. Go kill yourself. I'm sorry. It takes hard work to behave like an adult. It takes discipline. You want it to be simple. It isn't simple. Yes it is. Grow up. Behave responsibly. Fight for your rights. Take care of yourself and each other…No one likes to be told to grow up. It's insulting. But these are always the answers…There will never be any other answers…Be proud of yourself. Be proud you are gay. I don't know why so many find all this so complicated. But then I am 69 years old and have less patience for the many problems I had myself when young. It is one of the privileges of getting old…It is 25 years since 100,000 of us marched on Washington” (Kramer). I guess on this particular point, Kramer says it all; “You cannot continue to allow yourselves and each other to act and live like this!” (Kramer)

Since there is such a strong stigma associated with being gay, some people would be surprised to learn that it is only the sexual attraction that is dictated by birth. Lisping is a choice; as is reckless sex, effeminate behavior, flimsy morals and other socially aberrational qualities. When a person learns that I am gay, they are normally surprised and often compliment me in some form or another. The fact that I am gay AND act in a socially ‘normal’ manner seems to make me a much more valuable person in some people’s eyes. It’s the new affirmative action! Or is it reparations?

Speaking of affirmative action; violent crime associated with either race or deviant sexuality (pedophilia excluded) is almost nonexistent in America. Social isolation is obviously still present, but this ostracizing is almost the equivalent of having a lisp (the speech impediment kind, not the affected kind); you get a few jokes every so often and a couple assholes don’t want to associate with you. So what? The point is that nobody has to “pass” as anything that they are not anymore.

Being gay no longer disqualifies the artistic merit of the individual (unless they are an actor…kidding). In fact, the mystical and elusive “gay aesthetic” (EX. Plastic Flamingos?) gives creative gay males the upper hand. Hairdressers, interior designers, writers, musicians and photographers (you go, Fosso!) all have a leg up by just having the label “gay”. In some circles, GAY is equivalent to BFA (well, not quite). Being gay automatically makes the individual an outsider to the ‘normal” community. Being a fish out of water is what makes an artist original (since being original is what makes an artist).

Although a very disconnected community when it really counts, the gay male demographic is a very beneficial and easy (no pun intended) niche to fill. My first week in LA was filled with expensive dinners, parties in the Hollywood Hills and free drinks; all thanks to the illustrious Velvet Mafia. Granted I was given the star-treatment entirely based on my physical appearance and party-persona; it would have been nearly impossible to meet such influential friends and have these experiences if I were a straight or closeted man.

My blog is gay themed (if not centered) because of two important reasons:

1) My writing will gain acclaim faster in the land where the twink is king.

2) I have a lot of problems with the gay community and like to preach.

3) “It's so wonderful being a gay person. I said that before. I'm going to say it again. I love being gay. And I love gay people. I think we're better than other people. I really do. I think we're smarter and more talented…” blah, blah, blah…

It is every queer’s duty to accept, embrace and love their identity while maintaining a sense of self respect and responsibility as to further the culture.

Max Vicious, my blog name, has made a career out of walking the line between stroking gay male ego and giving said population a much needed kick in the ass (actually I will grant that particular favor to anyone who asks). Online there are no rules. It is the perfect example of the way our world has changed recently. The internet has brought upon such unlimited connectivity to the world around us that what was once shocking or off-limits is now entertaining, enlightening, boring or annoying.

Enlightenment is the goal. Entertainment is the means. Annoying or offensive may be a vicious side affect, but boring is what kills your ratings in America today. Let’s apply these rules to politics:

Turned him purple

See?
Take THAT, Assinjihad!

The Persian Cat in The Hat

Ahmadinejad Might Be On To Something

I know that the President of Iran’s visit to Columbia was several weeks ago, but his comments and the reaction to his comments have stayed with me. I would have discussed about this sooner, but I was exercising my freedom to have a lot of sex. - Because, if Max Vicious isn’t sodomizing, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins.

To add onto Columbia’s moronic choice of inviting president Mahmoud AssMadeInJihad (or whatever), Columbia’s President Bollinger reprimanded the new prince of darkness by way of introduction. I am sure AssInTheHat was terrified by this stern talking to from a teacher. A reprimand from a University Administrator is almost like a public hanging, without the sno-cones, cotton candy and death rattles.

During the Q&A portion Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said,

"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country. We don't have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who has told you that we have it."

It is now time to admit that I am the one who told everyone that there were homosexuals in Iran.

It was an honest mistake!

I was looking at that whole ‘Persian history’ thing and the record of homosexuality as part of the Persian culture as fact.

I still don’t believe that Rumi wasn’t [censored for sake of author’s safety]… Ahmadinejad has taught me that recorded history, if inconvenient, should be denied in favor of a new truth that matches your political and financial goals – wait a minute, it might have been George W. Bush that taught me that. I get the two mixed up on a few rare occasions.

As I look at Iran, the combination of Ahmadinejad’s obsessions with all things gay and the Sharia law (which he uses to collect and kill the fags) makes me wonder if I have to agree with Ahmadinejad’s statement. I also wonder if this even matters at all anymore It seems that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has stoned, hung, lashed, and gender reassigned “this phenomenon” right out of existence in modern Iran.

Vicious Evidence That There Are No Homosexuals Left in Iran

• Unruly facial hair. There is clearly no one to tweeze, trim, and hedge clip the facial hair of our Diminutive Dictator.
• Man on Man kissing. Nothing screams “heterosexual” like a little tonsil tennis with an adolescent boy. Or is that nothing screams “Republican Senator” like… I always get my “ruling parties” confused.
• No choirs. There are clearly no choir directors. Have you heard the tunes at the mosque lately? …Makes me long for the Methodists.
• The Dictator’s schedule is a mess. No lesbians to keep the little guy on task.
• No Iranian swim team in the Olympics. No one to swim, no one to coach, no one to design the swimsuit.
• No Female Iranian Olympic team. They whine, “We trip on our burkas. We can’t see the ball.” I say, “No dykes left.”
• No prom. No teachers left to think it’s fun. No gay boys left to make the crepe paper flowers. No gay girls to build the stage.
• No Drama Club. Considered the “Gay Head Start,” Ahmadinejad banned it right after he didn’t get cast as Tom Thumb in Tehran High’s production of Barnum!
• No nice restaurants. No one to cook, to wait tables, or customers who tip well.
• No audience left for The Andy Dick Ramadan Holiday Spectacular.
• No audience left for E! News.
• No audience left for the High School Musical franchise.
• No KY factory.
• No Burberry factory.
• No Condom factory.
• No Starbucks.
• No Mac Store.
• Bushes in the public parks are dropping- they aren’t getting their usual protein.
• No fast food joints. No one to manage the places.
• No Universities. No one to manage the places.
• No gyms. No one to manage the places.

I know the religious right in this country must be jealous. In Iran they can hang us, even if we’re all ready hung. They can lash us, even if we’re not into whips. They can even CUT OFF OUR CREW!

ATTN IRAN: CREW’S are meant to be CHOMPED not CHOPPED

– here they can’t even stop us from getting married.

I have to go now and do my patriotic duty and find me some man-snootch at the Miami Airport Bthroom (“C’mon, Mr. Slave!”) so that AhmInDuhJihad doesn’t win.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4_3RUwAJ_MI

-VIcious

Chastitty

Why Max Vicious is saving himself for marriage.

An in-depth, objective essay on the chaste nature of Max Vicious

Max Vicious is a warm, moist and loving person.

He always has his fellow man (and occasional beast)’s best intentions in mind: even if it hurts.

When a person has sex with another an unbreakable bond is made that forces the signers of this mucusy contract subject to any and all drama that the other decides to dish out.
Not even a deerskin condom can break that bond (Uncle Chuck…)

With that said; Love is always going to be Pain and blue balls are always going to hurt. This essay hopes not to assume that Max Vicious does not “get down”.

Waiting for marriage spares people from risking catching various diseases such as:

1) AIDs

2) DBS (Douche Bag Syndrome)

3) Dick-zits

4) Pregnancy (Namely: stupid, stupid babies)

5)

…. We interrupt this hilarious blog list to announce that Britney Spears is currently cutting her wrists!

ATTENTION ENTIRE WORLD: BRITNEY SPEARS JUST CUT HER WRISTS! Obviously, we should never have taken her children away!

Back to the list:

5) Crazy-bitch-ass Baby-Mamma drama

6) Punishment from Christ in the afterlife

7) SSS- (Slutty Skank Syndrome/Skeezy Skeeve Syndrome)

8) ThThTh (Thlutty Thkank Thyndrome... it's the gay version)

On the other rosy palm: “Getting down” can also have its benefits! By hitting triples, the participating parties lower their risk of encountering:

1) BDBS (Boring Douche Bag Syndrome)

2) Clingy Virgin Disorder (Primary Symptom: Inflamed phone bill)

3) JCLS (Juvenile ‘Cat-Lady’ Syndrome)

4) Sexually-triggered crying fits (brought on by bad sex on wedding night, honeymoon, or after honeymoon.)

…Thought just occurred- Anal sex doesn’t count right? …Oh it does?

…Oh shit, never mind.

Dear readers, please disregard this essay.

Love only, people!

Birth of a Coot

Scriptwriting Notes

Mamet Class: studying dialog that is centered around blunt masculinity, cuss words and "breaking balls"

SELECTED NOTES:

1. Types of Images: Visceral human images

a) EX: eating, sleeping around, eating, farting, fighting, taking a shit, cheating on wife- Nothing is intellectual

2. Extreme weight given to PHYSICAL CORROLLARY

a) Physical corollary will represent an idea

b) Most common EX: Masculinity

3. Hermetically sealed world

a) Language is limited, words take multiple meanings: “Fuck” can be aggravation (“fuck me!”), dominance (“I’m the fucking shit!”), hate (“Fuck you, you fucking fuck!”) or even love (“fuck me?”)

b) Exercize: POOP-

(1) “Poop?” What are you, a fagot?! (reprimand)

(2) It’s more dilated than your poop-shoot! (humiliation)

(3) You’re so fucking cute when you’re pooped (love)

Making a Mamet Scene:

The Problem with Porn

My good friend friend, I’ll call him Alex (because that’s his name) recently broke up with his boyfriend. Now, Alex isn’t normally the paranoid type but when he started hooking up with this rebound boi, he had the sense that something was different.

Alex isn’t sure, but he thinks that Rebound Boi might be a porn star and/or escort. Alex just doesn’t know how to tell for sure without asking directly. But asking directly would eliminate the drama and make Alex… well, healthy.

So, as a service to Alex and as a favor to all of you who find yourself in this position. Here is

50 Vicious’ Clues That Your New Boi

Might Secretly Be a Porn Star and/or Escort

1. Before sex he requests a fluffer.
2. Before sex he requests your credit card number.
3. Before sex he asks if your contract is as good as his.
4. Before sex he asks about star billing.
5. Before sex he asks about hourly billing.
6. When asked for his address, he says, “Rentboy.com”
7. He has an acne problem... on his dick
   
8. He kisses best in public places.
9. He fucks best in public places.
10. He calls his penis, “the business.”
11. When you have sex, he asks that you do the “hard shots” first.
12. When you have sex, he requests that all of the lights be turned on with a “key light” on “the business.”
13. He won’t allow cameras, not even at his Birthday party, because he “only does behind the scenes stuff if he gets paid.”
14. He refers to hooking up as “doing the scene”
15. He calls for “make-up!” – for his butt.
16. When you change sexual positions, he yells, “Cut.”
17. He says that since you mean so much to him, he’s going to give you his toll-free number.
18. When he cums, he asks if they got the “money shot.”
19. When you cum, he suggests that there is a lot of cash in being a stunt cock for Andy Dick.
20. When you’re done having sex he lights a cigarette and says, “Now that’s $300 an hour sex!”
21. He takes your pocket change off of the night-stand.
22. He refers to your kitchen as “craft services”
23. He refers to your bedroom as “the set.”
24. He refers to your hot tub as “the set.”
25. He refers to the elevator in your building as “the set.”
26. When you go out to eat he waxes poetic about working the “exteriors”
27. When he returns from a “business trip,” he has 90% less body hair than when he left.
28. When he returns from a “business trip,” he is 90% more dilated than when he left.
29. When he returns from a “business trip,” he asks if you mind sharing your room with “the talent.”
30. When he returns from a “business trip,” he asks you to call him “the original Brent.”
31. His Myspace message board is full of “testimonials” from men of a “certain age.”
32. His Myspace profile picture is a guy who looks a lot like him with no body hair and a much bigger package.
33. He makes a lot of phone calls to “Daddy” but never seems to talk to his father.
34. He takes Viagra instead of Vitamins.
35. You often overhear him say “That’s going to be another fifty” when on his ‘work phone’.
36. He says if you guys would be straight together and have sex, you could make good money in Fort Lauderdale.
37. The counter on his web site counts a different kind of “Hits”
38. The headline on his web page says “Millions and millions served”
39. He has Andy Dick on speed dial.
40. He gets Burberry scarves from business contacts on his birthday.
41. His phone’s ring back tone is “Milkshake (Kelis)”
42. He knows the entire E! News Team
43. He knows the entire Fox News Team
44. He is on Anderson Cooper’s Christmas card list
45. He gets Valentines from Jake Gyllanhal
46. He has a signed and framed picture of Peter North
47. He buys lube at Sam’s Club by the gallon
48. He has Larry Craig’s business card with “Call me, stud. I’m a senator!” hand written on it.
49. He has a ninja suit
50. With every cough comes a strange, white looger

Love only,
Max Venereal

Abortions

Dear Max Vicious-

Should I get an abortion?

I couldn't bare to give my child away to a stranger (what if they are Jehova's Witnesses or blacks or cannibals or... or Andy-Dick-types?!) and feel that having a child would be bad for my future.

This is truly a heartbreaking and conflicting issue for me. I really want to do it; to try and raise this child which may somehow grow to love me and forgive me for all of my faults. The problem is that everyone tells me that I am in no way fit to raise a child.
My parents told me that if I was to keep the kid, that they wouldn't babysit when I'm not at work, stop paying for my cell phone, not buy baby clothes (and crib, etc) and take back my gas card! I all ready have to cover car insurance, shoes and my implant follow up visits; could you imagine how much a baby would cut into my coke budget!?
-They do not have maternity pay at either of my jobs. In fact, the Star Strip club says I am out of the job at the second trimester.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I love your blog! My friends and I talk about it almost every day. The issue on samurai masochism was really a flashback and a half; that is the number one requested kink at work!
Oh! I actually once met THE Joel "NINJA WARRIOR" Brown about six months ago. If anyone out there doesn't believe that Joel really sparked this eastern wildfire, I offer this personal testament; Joel Brown went level four Goku on my Hello Kitty!

"Love only" to you too, Maxi (god I wish you weren't all "Goku seeking Jet Li" if you know what I mean)

-Careless slut



Dear Careless slut-

Should YOU have an abortion?

Yes, and if insurance doesn't cover it because it's your fifteenth one; take an egg beater and shove it up your Hello Kitty until you feel a little skull sliding down your leg: the little guy will thank you fifteen times before it hits the floor.

Now loyal fans, before you go all "of course that jealous fagot hates babies" on me; think about this:

You, Miss Careless Slut (Is there a Mr. Careless slut? Kidding), will be completely unfit to care for a child who will grow up lonely, neglected and very very bitter. It will inevitably become a pill popper, goth kid, cripple (you fucking smoker!), schoolyard sniper or homosexual (the "product of fucked up childhood" kind, not the genetic kind).

Abortion is a serious issue. Max Vicious does not take it lightly.
It really, really worries me.
The increasing number of REPEATED abortions strikes fear in the depths of my soul:

I fear that our nation's youth will grow up with a total lack of responsibility (a striking contrast from the current population!)

I fear that abortions will eventually become so commonplace that their will eventually be "In-home Abortions" with catchy corporate names like "The month after kit" or "Baby Be-Gone".
It would not surprise me is America even goes as for as marketing them to kids with pictures of Big Bird and slogans like "U is for Unplanned".

I fear that this trend will spark a whole new list of parent-isms:

3) "Brad you know the legal abortion age is now 9, right?"
2) "Dinner didn't sit well; I feel like I just had an abortion"
1) "Missy, go upstairs and clean your womb!"

I fear that some dumb shit, broke-ass stripper will try using drain-o (Did I say "fear"? I meant... What's that word? Oh yeah; "hope")

I fear that neighborhoods will begin designating special bins at the recycling centers for stem cells ("Damn it, who keeps putting glass in the baby bin?!")

As logical as the pro-life outlook seems, baby-killing is a conflicting issue none the less. Obviously, some people would do better being spared the horrors of a life of "You're hungry again?! Jesus Christ! You are going to be the fattest little girl at preschool!" or "No! Sit here and watch reruns of my show while I jerk off! Tell me you love the Andy Dick show and that I was really funny in 'Dude Where's My Car' or else you go back in the cage!"


The Max Vicious solution to abortion:
1) Every female citizen is allowed three abortions; this rule of 3 should take care of the innocent accidents ("whoopsie-babies"), rape and fatal complications.

2) If any more are ever required, that citizen is to be aborted as well.

3) Said trampy and irresponsible citizens are to be put in a giant blender and "pureed" for about 30 seconds.

4) Giant blenders should be located in every state capitol as well as the largest city.

5) Proceeds from said giant blenders go to feeding local orphanages (obviously with some sort of tortilla chip)

6) Careless man-sluts responsible for over two abortions will have an apendage of choice removed for every subsequent impregnation until the only thing left is that "baby, it's not my fault" smile


Careless slut, I really hope I have been of some help.

Love only,
-Max Nauseous

Myspace.com- A place for.... tickle fetishes?

One of the first times in my life when I am actually speechless


Max on Myspace:

www.myspace.com/SuckMyToes

Kidz Bop Rocks!

Kidz Bop: Albums of popular music recorded for and by kids.

Released in 2001, the first Kids Bop album was certified GOLD by October 13, 2002. This sparked a national phenomenon that got kids bopping along to popular tracks such as "Kryptonite" from 3 doors down (Below)



Adorable!

Since its conception, Kidz Bop has had over TWELVE follow-up albums featuring great songs like:

1)Waiting on the World to Change (John Mayer)
2) Beverly Hills (Weezer)
3)Speed of Sound (Coldplay)
4) Crazy in Love (Beyonce)
5) Monster Mash (Who the hell knows)

All of them hits in kid form, just like their grown up counterparts!

Problem. Kidz Bop 12, released July 27, 2007, is not doing so hot. Neither is "Kidz Bop Country", "Kidz Bop Halloween", "Kidz Bop Hanukkah" or even "Kidz bop Sports Jamz"!

Q: Why Max, why is this wonderful line of children's entertainment tanking?

A: It is outdated. Pure and simple. Today's tots want to be treated like grownups. They want what the rest of us want: Excitement! Drama! Sex! Gunshots! References to anal sex!



Q: How can we help?

A: Take Max's advice and produce the new and improved "Kidz Bop! (Parental Discretion Advised)" Featuring top hits like:


1)Caress me Down (Sublime)
2) Hot in Here (Nelly)
3) Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-a-lot) [See below]***
4) Sippin' on some Syrup (Three 6 Mafia)
5) Maxwell's Silver Hammer (The Beatles)
6) My Neck, My Back (Khia)
7) Camel toe (Daphne Aguilera) [See below]*
8) Cop Killer (Ice-T, Body Count)
9)I Wanna Fuck You (Akon)
10) Mr. Nigger (Mos Def)

(7)*

I think that these selections will really spice up the next wave of Kidz Bop hits!

Because really, doesn't the world need more kids acting like a cross dressing Andy Dick, booty-loving Sir Mix-a-Lot or even that random racist homosexual Josh from Youtube.com?

(3)*

With marketing in mind:

Yours truly,
Max Vicious

Breakups (continued)

As most of you know, I just got out of a long distance relationship with a spam mailer who lives on the other coast. Between that, my brother's separation, and my mother's recent divorce; one could compute that my family is having shit luck in the love department.

While modern technology has filled long distance relationships with more erotic possibilities, it also makes breaking up riskier:

Say one party signs the other's business email account up for fifteen or more gay dating sites; there are certain repercussions for that decision.

Along with who gets which CDs and whose T-Shirt is whose, there is the uncomfortable agreement about the disposition of certain electronically recorded intimacies.

Not the Max Vicious knows anything about this personally; I only offer my insight on this tender subject.

….that motherfucker better take that video down now!

20 signs that the "private video" you made for your ex has become a "most viewed video" on X-Tube

1. Your proctologists asks for your autograph.
2. Your track coach marvels at your “ability to run with the size of that thing”.
3. You get 73 Facebook friend requests from “straight” Frat guys.
4. You get 33 Facebook friend requests from “bi” Frat guys.
5. You get 3 Facebook friend requests from the Priests at your Catholic High School.
6. The people from the Guinness Book of World Records keep calling.
7. Andy Dick recognizes you on the street.
8. The cashier at the grocery store says, “You look taller standing up.”
9. Chris Crocker makes a video about you, but in it he just stays under his sheet.
10. David Geffen offers you a full scholarship to UCLA!
11. Black people in burberry scarves keep buying you drinks
12. You get invited to Erotica Los Angeles
13. Merv Griffin's ghost pokes you on Facebook
14. Andy Dick pokes you on the street
15. You lose your job at Disney
16. You are offered a job at Falcon Studios
17. On Myspace.com you get 43 friend requests from photographers who seem to “love your look”
18. KY offers you a sponsorship
19. Terrence Koh offers you a lot more than that
20. Chuck Norris sends death threats. And later, flowers
    

The Cons of Revenge Sex

My brother Blaze (yeah, that's his real name: Blaze Vicious) has recently ended a four year relationship with his girlfriend Kiki. A sweet girl, she was finally able to get the balls and leave my brother.

Maybe it was all of the volatile nights of getting wasted at the Phi Tappa Pi house (Univ. Of Florida)

Maybe it was the constant steroids he was pumping into his glutes every day ("get BUFF!").

Maybe it was the encouragement from the new friends she met at pilates class.

Maybe it was the nice boy she met at the smoothie bar after pilates class.

Could it be the cheatings? the verbal beatings? the fleeting moments of actual happiness standing like islands in a sea of bitchy (how poetic!)

Maybe it was the fact that in college at twenty years old, a relationship of that intensity is enough to scare the hair off a frat guy's nuts, the rims off of P-Diddy's truck, or even the plug right out of Andy Dick's butt...

Regardless, it's over now. Over like Brad and Jen. Over like Detroit's financial problems. Over like Britney Spears' hopes of being a functional person in society. Over like the kitten in my shower caddy (enough with the kitten, Max)

I spoke with Blaze tonight.
Still very much in Love, he holds onto the prospect of getting her back harder than he does his pickle when he falls asleep alone every night (ouch, Max).

Blaze should have NO trouble getting the ladies. Back in high school, I was very much the last brother in the prospective pecking order according to the bee-hotches (and I still managed to clean up pretty well for a mo). During the first few weeks following the breakup, I recall Blaze getting a decent amount of Facebook Action (the North American Wasp mating call: the "Poke").

According to Blaze, this e-play ended when one jealous Kiki (Scientific name: "Angrius Manipulus Kikus Kikus") roared her terrible roar and gnashed her terrible teeth and rolled her terrible eyes and showed her terrible claws until every pussy in Gainesville could smell that poor Blaze had been marked as territory of the wild and fierce Kiki. After the battle, Kiki proceded to find the nearest Tom and rub her genitals suggestively on theirs; a victory dance.

Sad. For both sides. Obviously, there is still a lot of Love, it's just hiding behind pent-up hostility, vindication, vented clausterphobia.....


....ADD moment: I am currently sitting in my dorm as my roommate's 'friends' draw somebody fucking the rabbit I drew on my door to keep the freshly-drawn penis company.... Brings up a question: Why are str8-ish pubescent guys so obsessed with the male genitalia (also known as cock and bawls...)????

....back to the point: neither team is winning the game. Things are at least looking slightly upward. Kiki seems to be having the time of her life, and Blaze got a new puppy to replace his last one that ran away sometime during the breakup (this is a bad time for Blaze, huh?).

There is still hurt. And I want them to be safe in these oh-so-self-destructive times. The first thing I know either of them to do when stressed is

A) Get Drunk

B) Fuck
or

C) Start a Fight

Blaze is no longer allowed to fight due to his boxing career, and Kiki knows better because she is just so pretty. This leaves them with two very compatible options.

I love you both, so just for you two, my brother and my sister who used to have sex with each other:

THE CONS OF REVENGE SEX

1)STDs ...


That's all I've got... It's time to wrap it up. Have fun.

A Vicious World: More things Max can't do at School

A Vicious list of 81 more
Things that Max Can’t Do At School…

1. Stop referring to himself in third person.
2. Add “And so says Jehovah” to his answers on his math quiz.
3. Adopt a kitten and keep it in his shower caddy.
4. Adopt a child and keep it in his shower caddy.
5. Cheat on his English paper even if God tells him to.
6. Cheat on his boyfriend even if God tells him to.
7. Call in noise complaints about the voices in his roommate’s head.
8. Ask the RA to check for scary clowns under his bed.
9. Ask the RA to check for evil monkeys in his closet
10. Ask the RA to check for any Freshman in the closet.
11. Ask the RA to feed the orphan in the shower caddy.
12. Point and laugh at the Tuba players in the marching band.
13. Point and laugh at the “tight ends” on the football team.
14. Tell his German Professor “We kicked your ass in World War Two!”
15. Have World War Two Flashbacks.
16. Tell his Queer Literature teacher to "Go suck a dick"
    
17. Tell the Irish Exchange student he is “Magically delicious.”
18. Ask his Lesbian teacher to "Go home and make me a sandwich, will ya?"
    
19. Invite Terrence Koh over for a Dorm Sleep Over, Floor Dinner, etc.
20. Trade textbooks for “magic beans” (stupid buyback policy is shit)
21. Use G.W. Bush’s “D” average as motivation for skipping class.
22. Insist that take-home exams be ratified by a 2/3rds majority.
23. Pretend to be Cynthia Nixon while in class.
24. Pretend to be Richard Nixon while in class.
25. Pretend to be Richard Simmons while in the shower.
26. Pretend to be the Wrestling Team’s mascot.
27. Wear a halter-top and wedgies to the gym.
28. Wear superman underoos to the gym.
29. Wear only his “clothing optional” visor to the gym.
30. Form a gang of homosexual college students and challenge the Crips (We'll give your nigguhs such a pinch!")
31. Refer to the Security Officer as “Mommy”
32. Refer to the Dean of Students as “Daddy”
33. Claim roommate’s inflatable Sheep as a “contraband pet”
34. Call in an “Amber Alert” when his roommate stays out all night.
35. Call in a child endangerment complaint when his roommate stays home and has sex while Max is “sleeping”
36. Conduct psychological experiments on his roommate.
37. Bum a cigarette off on anyone under twelve.
38. Watch queer porn on his laptop during Queer Lit class.
39. Touch a girl’s breast and ask if it’s real (Actually sometimes in the theater dept...)
40. Touch a boy’s breast and ask if it’s real (Now that he's bi on facebook).
41. Imply that his Math Professor is old enough to have invented numbers
42. Imply that his Acting teacher is old enough to be “Thespis”
43. Use a smiley face as an integer
44. Tell children that the crocodile in the lake is filled with coins and yummy candy so they should try to break it open.
45. Give children tattoos.
46. Sell oregano to freshmen as “kine buds”
47. Sell chalk dust to freshmen as “kine chalk”
48. Sell freshmen to drug dealers as “sex slaves”
49. Sell freshmen to the theatre teachers as "sex slaves"
    
50. Send freshmen to find the “new theatre”
51. Wear a gimp suit to Queer Lit class.
52. Ask to be referred to as Princess Gorgonzola.
53. Demand to be referred to as Lady Peeinmouthia.
54. Use a rolling A-frame ladder to “squish things” in lighting crew.
55. Test electrical outlets with a fork in lighting crew.
56. Attempt things he saw on a cartoon in lighting crew.
57. Respond to discipline reports with “that’s what she said when the bed broke.”
58. Challenge the receptionist at admissions to a duel.
59. Push ladders over and yell "TIMBER!!!" in light crew.
60. Respond to sexual harassment discipline meetings with "Thar she blows"
    
61. Go to the clinic and ask for a Free Financial AIDS test.
62. Claim that he is authorized to strip search track team members during races.
63. Chase track team members during races.
64. Break the restraining order filed by the track team.
65. Use the school copy machine to publish 6000 copies of “the scribbles that keep the scary clowns away”
66. Use “They probably were stoned” as an answer to any question posed by a literature Professor.
67. Use “You can’t prove it” as an answer to any question posed by a literature Professor.
68. Use “My manhood is highly sensitive” as an answer to any question posed by any Professor.
69. Use the Dorm’s loudspeaker system to voice his concerns about peeing in the communal showers.
70. Drink a gallon of red food coloring before a urine test.
71. Perform lap dances in the counseling center’s waiting room.
72. Fill his dance belt with extra strength icy-hot.
73. Demand the right to be strip-searched by campus cops.
74. Confess to crimes that took place before he was born
75. Claim Oprah is his mother.
76. Claim he is the product of “virgin birth.”
77. Claim he is a virgin.
    
78. Claim he is “the one.”
79. Claim he is “the love that dare not speak its name.”
80. Use Photoshop to create naughty images of floor mates he’d like to see “together”
81. Use Chartwells chicken salad as a personal lubricant.

2008 Presidential Advice

This year the "Destino" Democratic Debates took place in my front yard.

Now guys, this is important. Instead of wasting your time at circuit parties or snorting ketamine off Andy Dicks prick, take some time and consider who you should be casting your vote for.

I didn't go, as they refused to let me ask the candidates the questions I had prepared. That, and I had met a very cute boy named Potrick the day before... but that's irrelevant.

Irrelevant because I KNOW MY SHIT.

There are a few important people who read this particular blog (I will not name them because they may or may not exist). It would be a great favor for these people (you know who you are) to pass these gems along to the 2008 Presidential candidates.

Vicious Advice to the 2008 Democratic Presidential Candidates

Joe Biden - Why are you wasting my fucking time? Does “snow ball’s chance in hell” mean anything to you, Joey? You were drop kicked from the last election because you plagiarized a speech. Lame. Now it looks like you are copying Hilary’s platform. Sure, she’s the smart girl in class, but keep your eyes on your own paper, nimrod. I’d give you shit about your stance on gay marriage, but I’ll save it for Hilary, after all, it’s her idea.

And Joe, take it from someone who offends everyone, don’t praise “under represented minorities” for being “articulate” – and don’t sound surprised when you say it. Nothing says, “Douche Bag” like a compliment for proper fucking syntax, asshole.

Joe, you are an old grizzled white guy. Give up the fake bake and blue rinse and be what you are. Joe Joe, focus on the senate and save your money and my fucking time.

---

Hilary Clinton – I like you Hilary for the same reason half the world hates you. You are a smart uppity bitch with more money than Satan. I too am a smart uppity bitch with more Satan than money – aww, we’re like siblings.

What’s this shit about preserving the “sanctity of marriage”? YOU MARRIED BILL “MAN-HO“ CLINTON!!! You have already defiled the sanctity of marriage. Do you think we should now take away your right to be married?

I know, I know, you don’t personally oppose gay marriage but that won’t play in Oklahoma. None of your platform seems like what you actually fucking believe in. The whole damn thing looks like it’s been spun and simplified to play to a couple of meth addicted moron breeders in a trailer in South fucking Dakota. Babe, use the enormous gonads God gave you and express your actual opinion. The hicks aren’t going to vote for you anyway – play to your people Hilary, I know, I know you “aren’t a lesbian.”

And Hilary, find a queer boy who will always tell you the truth – I’m available. The pantsuits are fine, but the pants are too short. You look like Erkel’s mother. This whole matronly thing is fine, it worked for Margaret Thatcher, but your make-up looks like Bill applied it with his thick dick and his blue dress history has proven that his aim is not that good. Use that cash and hire a fairy - look what it did for Oprah.

---

Chris Dodd – Chris, I get it. You are in the race to run for Vice President. I appreciate a man with limited aspirations – I dated a spam mailer – but really what would you bring to the Democratic ticket? You could, what, deliver Connecticut? The Democrats always win Connecticut!

You might argue that you are a smart guy with a lot of experience in Government. Well, when has that mattered in an election? George W. Bush is the motherfucking President of the United States, Arnold Schwarzenegger is Governor of California, and Andy Dick is MAYOR of Boytopia (a small province in West Hollywood).

And what’s this shit about “states decision” on Civil Union and Gay Marriage. THE CONSTITUTION, which guarantees my rights, is a Federal Document. Protect it at the motherfucking Federal level, ass wipe; does “Blessings of Liberty” ring a bell?

Chris, you are the slacker’s hero. You want to decriminalize marijuana and you don’t aim at the stars, you aim at the ceiling when you feel like it. Do us proud, bro, and drop out before Iowa. Why go through the hassle, man. I mean, you could totally clean up in the spam mail business. (Call me, I’m single.)

---

John Edwards – John Boi, you could win this thing, so here are some things you must know: You blink too much when you are on TV. In the Presidential Forums, you look like you are sending Morse Code with your long, feminine eye lashes. The message you are telegraphing is, “Don’t hit me, Mill-worker Daddy!”

Close your mouth when you are listening and smile a little instead of looking like you are afraid that you are going to get the answer wrong. You are so many years past boyish that clueless has lost its charm.

Bro, easy on the tanning bed and teeth whitener. George Hamilton will not win this election. Go for that, “I actually work in an office” look.

I appreciate that you “oppose divisive Constitutional amendments to ban same-sex marriages.” It really rapes my goat that you can’t manage “come out” and actually support my right to get married. We get that it’s personal and you just can’t “come to that” yet. It is going to be hard for me to “come to that “ vote for you with your tiptoeing around support.

John, one hot blowjob in 10^th grade from that hot senior does not mean you are a Mo. If you were to marry him, it would not be a marriage, it would be a hot fucking hook up and it would not be sanctified. There is a difference between sex, marriage, and civil union. Look at the sanctified heterosexual history of John F. Kennedy or Ronald Regan or William Clinton or – you get the point. Step up, pretty boi, this could be your new job.

---

Mike Gravel – Mike, you are a nutty motherfucker. Your FCC report reveals a surplus of $498 in your campaign account while Hilary filed $31 million. Your campaign finance looks like my life savings (that’s bad).

You make Kucinich look conservative with your support of gay marriage, decriminalization of marijuana, and federal financing of stem cell research.

That bandage you always wear on your temple screams, “you think that’s funny, my age spots are killing me.”

I have got to admire you for your platform, but I suspect that you are crazy in near-Terrence-Koh proportions. You seem to have no idea what country you are campaigning in. You were Governor of Alaska, or so you say, but no one from Alaska will confirm or deny. I think you are some French dude who is making a BORAT style movie about how stupid Americans are.

Don’t get me wrong, that alone would get my vote.

Having you as President of the United States would be like having a jolly senile old coot in office who makes decisions based on what would be most fun – oh, wait that was Ronald Regan.

---

Dennis Kuinich -- I am taking this Greek Mythology class and I keep thinking about you. You know, Cassandra, she’s the war whore that Agamemnon brings home and she has the gift of prophesy but not the gift of communication? She keeps telling everyone the truth but they all think she’s crazy and they laugh at her. Denny, you are totally our Cassandra. Everything you say is amazing, your platform is fucking impeccable, but you sound like the Keebler Elf and Ross Perot had a child who they kept locked up in the magic tree.

You should be President, but you won’t be President unless you follow my plan:

Hire Daniel J. Travanti (right) to be you. He looks Presidential, sounds Presidential and he needs a job. He’s a great actor, for example, everyone thinks he’s straight. It will be like a ventriloquist act, only this time you’ll be the ventriloquist instead of looking like the dummy.

Until your people can get Travanti on board with the plan, stop screaming the last three words of every sentence. You are starting to sound like Howard Dean on helium.

---

Barack Obama – Seriously?

Really?

Barack, really?

You will give me the same fucking arguments about the sanctity of marriage that kept interracial marriage illegal in some states beyond the day you were born?

In fact the last anti-miscegenation laws were struck down in 1967. So, Barack, you show up at Pride, you embrace us, you “respect” your gay bothers but you think our love is second rate? You think it diminishes the ability of a “family to thrive”?

Now, I think it is great that Miss Oprah is campaigning for you but you need to know that Miss O is surrounded by more second rate loving fairies than Cher at WeHo Christmas. If you piss these queers off, Oprah is going to start looking uglier and uglier until she drops your sanctimonious ass. Ain’t nothing scarier or uglier than an angry Oprah and these queens will hold her beauty hostage for gay marriage.

One more thing, your wife’s crack about “keeping your own house, before you can keep the white house” is bad motherfucking karma. Watch your toe tapping in the men’s room and don’t let one of those cock-eyes wander to any woman under 83. The gods of karma are looking for your fall (they’re from the south).

As a candidate with no Foreign Policy experience, you need to mind your Domestic Policy.

---

Bill Richardson –Billy, you SHOULD be THE candidate in this election. The winner SHOULD carry the south-west, interior west, and the south, SHOULD have a huge Hispanic voter base, SHOULD have international and domestic experience, SHOULD be stepping up from the Governor’s House, and should have Congressional Experience. Billy, that’s you! That’s you!

Q- So what’s the problem?

A- You sound like a bitch complaining about her salad dressing all of the time. Every position you take sounds like you are getting ready to call your daddy to ask for a new Audi. Bill, the leader of the free world is THE Daddy. Complaint is not a platform, it’s a wet fart. And Bill, we get it. You speak English and Spanish and you sound like a fucking whiney South Miami housewife in both languages. Butch it up, William, this election should be yours, but it won’t be.

And while you seem to be growing something like testicle(s), take a stance on gay marriage. Half of your staff registers code lavender on Homeland Security’s Gaydar meter. Host their weddings in the rose garden! You’ve got a great record on gay issues, why not follow through and give me the same rights as Jennifer Lopez and her three sanctified marriages.

---

Al Gore – Don’t Al. Just Don’t. Take that Joan Rivers face lift and walk away. It’s all over, fat-man.

I remember you when you came to visit last semester to speak at our school. Your presentation gave me nightmares (the inevitability of becoming a fat crazy old sensationalist coot seemed like the REAL Inconvenient Truth).

The Presidential train has left the station

Max's Petting Zoo Slogans

As my loyal fans have noticed (both of you), I have changed the slogan for my blog.

Here is a list of the runner-ups:

1) "Must Love Bunnies"
2) "Welcome! Watch your ass"
3) "The only hater allowed here is me"
4) "Welcome! Now go fuck yourself"
5) "How much?"
6) "Only related to Sid through artificial chemicals"
7) (Of course) "The Best and Brightest of the bottom of the barrel" [a slogan coined from becoming the valedictorian of the Alternative High School once I got expelled... fucking Narc-ass theater kids]
8) "25% public commentary, 25% smart ass, 50% douche bag"
9) "Gay people don't have to suck (figuratively)"
10) "Mom, I am sorry if you ever find this page"

Although I like the new slogan with which I went, I think I can do better. This is one of those things where it seems that an outside perspective would be best.

I need your help! Send me some possible slogans!

The "Down Low"

I have been informed in the course of my oh so homo education that there is such a thing called being "On the Down Low" (or "DL" for short).

Apparently it refers to people who are homosexuals are in the closet or claim to simply be "experimental" or "not a faggot" or "career oriented".

Everyone I have ever heard of who is supposedly on the DL was somebody I had definitely assumed was member of the illustrious velvet mafia ("Its SATIN, damnit!"). Examples:
-Tom Cruise
-Ricky Martin
-Anyone whose ever been in a boy band
-Andy Dick
-Senator Mark Foley (c'mon!)
-Jerry Fallwell
-The guys from South Park
-Everyone on Mad TV
-Hitler
-Anderson Cooper
-Senator Larry Craig
-Governer Charlie Crist
-Zac Efron (we all know, Zac)
-Merv Griffin
-Jake Gyllanhal
-John Mayer (I miss you, John)
-Brian McNaught
-Kevin Spacey
-Most black people (I didn't say nigger this time!)

I'm not trying to bolster my team here in any way (this list is the celebrity equivalent of the kids who get picked last for dodge ball)

My Point: YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!

Here is a list that will help those of you in the closet stay in the closet.

My reason for helping said cowards deny their identity: I don't want you pussies on my team. We have too many wing-wearing, musical-singing, bug-chasing (eww), senate leading, chicken-hawking, photo-taking, sauna-steaming, bath house frequenting (enough! Jesus!) 'mos as it is.

The list of dead giveaways:
(AKA Max's shout out to Jeff Foxworthy)

YOU'RE NOT ON THE "DOWN LOW" IF:

-you wear burberry scarves (black people...)
-you wear capris (I don't care if you're European!)
-your sentences ever start with "hayyyyyy"
-Whitney Houston is on your iPod
-you own more shoes than your girlfriend
-you own more shoes than your boyfriend
-you are your baby-mama's hairdresser (white people...)
-you buy non-water-based lube
-you spot more than three strangers at the gym/day
-you buy lube in crates
-you go to the theatre more than once a week
-you spell it "theatRE"
-you are in any way associated with a tanning salon
-you call yourself "Kung Fu Masta"
-the average eye contact with other guys lasts more than twenty seconds
-you go to the twenty four hour WeHo
-you think Peter North plays for the Patriots
-you've ever seen "Cats"
-you've ever been in "Cats"
-you own more than two cats
-you host E!News!
-your piercings set off metal detectors
-you've seen Beyonce in concert
-you've been "Beyonce in concert"
-your weave costs more than your wife's (white people...)

Just a sub-note: I was only kidding about not wanting you on our team. It's not like you could hurt.

The current population is full of
self-absorbed ass holes,
judgmental queens,
egotistical losers
and of course; blogging-chatch-bags who are obsessed with their sexuality and what it entails!

...I wish I could sleep

Fuck love,

-Max Tired

Know your homos: At The Gym

From the "ASK MAX" column:

Dear Max Vicious-
I've been trying to go to the gym more often lately. Problem is; I get really paranoid whenever I do squats or presses because someone always comes up to me asking if they can spot me.
It gets kind of awkward. Whenever I'm doing squats they spot me "from the glutes" and during bench they straddle my chest instead of standing behind me. I just know that there has to be another way to spot. I've been going to the West Hollywood 24 Hour Fitness for only two weeks; all ready my "glutes" are covered with little purple pinch marks and my shorts have very difficult white stains from the steam room.
What can I do to rectify this problem?
-Concerned Closet Lifter




Dear Concerned Closet Lifter-
Your gym is an especially difficult case. the 24 Hour Fitness in West Hollywood is the only gym in the 24 hour line that isn't technically 24/7 (the steam room closes at 9pm... For damn good reason)

Number one- stop using words like RECTIFY.

Number two- you need to learn to identify the "Skeezy Skeeve Steves" from the friendly "Spotter Stans" mid-workout as to avoid such confrontations.

So here it is, just for you Concerned Closet Lifter, the latest installment of "Know your homos"

At the Gym

There are Two primary types of people to avoid at the gym. Here are a the profiles of these gym-o-philes:

The JERRY-atric

Most Often Found: sleeping in the saunas, lounging locker rooms (by the TVs, naked), camping on the bench and sudsing in the shower.

Famous lines:
"How about them Dodgers?"
"That's a pretty heavy lift"
"I've been lifting here since they outlawed gang banging jiggaboos"
"How old are you, son?"
"When I was your age... (Followed by a really creepy, vulgar anecdote)

How to avoid: this type will most likely not try to spot you, as they cannot lift more than the first plate or two on the "15-minute circuit strength trainer" machines. However, this type will try to hold you in painfully long and boring conversations while curling 2.5lb dumbbells for two hundred sets of 4 and a HAAAAAALF.

The most dangerous preyground for this type is the shower, steam room, sauna, hot tub or locker room (where you will be most tired... and naked).

The best way to manage a dangerous confrontation with a JERRYatric is to kick them in the nuts. This is a surprisingly easy task as they are not very agile (also, the testicles hang near their knees so proves to be an easy target for even the most sauna-drained gym-goer)

Next up:
The Creepy Karl

This type is a little more difficult.

Most often found: at the stair master with their shirt rolled up over their "fl"abs, lying on the sit up benches, yoga class, following you around doing one set of every exercise imaginable, making up exercises while staring, and of course saunas/hot tubs/showers/steam rooms/bath houses

Common Lines:
"I see you in here a lot"
"You're getting big (while staring at your crotch on the bench)"
"I never see you in here with a girlfriend"
"I like your shorts, where can I get into a pare of those"
"Are you a top or a bottom?"
"[Really creepy, awkward and uncomfortable stare]"

How to Avoid-
Although these guys are only faking the good majority of their workout, they still pose a threat. Sometimes you encounter one that gets bored of being turned down by the "normals" so actually takes to working out.
All I can tell you with these guys is to be very blunt and rude if need be. The most effective measure is an angry, awkward stare in return.

If they take that as some sort of sultry cum-hither, try:
"What do you want?"
"Dude, I'm not that kind of girl"
"Studs Porno Theater is that way"
"Lemme guess, you want to take my head shots"
"Do you know Andy Dick*"

My dear reader, I truly hope I have been of some help. After all, it's what I am here for!

Love only,
-Max Vicious



*Did you really think I would write an entire article without a single mention of Andy Dick? I mean yeah, he doesn't go to the gym- there's a porno theater two blocks from the WeHo 24 Hour- but still... Really?

Max's 100 Most Text-Messaged Words

I miss my cell phone. About a week ago it went through the laundry (it had been a dirty, dirty phone).
This is one of those rare and depressing times where Max Vicious can't turn something on (emphasis on RARE)

Even after putting it through the dryer (the obvious course of action), the phone seems adamant about being a broken little piece of shit (Like yours truly). I have tried everything: waiting for it to dry, detaching the battery, blowing it, blow-drying it, hitting it against my desk, hitting it against my face, asking it nicely, yelling at it, having other people yell at it, tickle its asshole with it's favorite charger for days on end... Nothing!

Currently, the substitute phone is a two year old mess that doesn't have a working screen and requires the charger to be unnaturally jammed up its hindquarters for five times the normal phone requires.

Sprint, the GREATEST company in the world when it comes to fixing problems over the phone and internet, eventually decided to send me a replacement. It took only five separate calls and a total of two hours on hold, but finally the job was done.

A plus: I managed to get them to send me a list of all of my text messages since my plan was switched to "Unlimited Texts" back in May.

So for your edutainment:

Here it is!
MAX'S 100 MOST TEXT-MESSAGED WORDS

1) Faggot
2) Fagot
3) Douche
4) Bag
5) Dennys
6) Vince
7) Fat
8) Bitch
9) Ass
10) Nigger
11) foot
12) dont
13) Jack
14) Off
15) rehearsal
16) Love
17) You
18) class
19) Out
20) at
21) eleven
22) Call
23) I
24) Ass
25) Gym
26) k
27) of
28) Get
29) It
30) Boi
31) the
32) this
33) Twat
34) Licker
35) Hook
36) Up
37) Andy
38) Dick
39) Loves
40) WeHo
41) Chicken
42) Improv
43) Pauli
44) work
45) Silly (eww, Max... #45, really?)
46) Aw
47) Why
48) Does
49) Everybody
50) Hate
51) Me
52) Night
53) Win
54) Head
55) Mooch
56) Charties
57) sex
58) stupid
59) Dildo
60) Porno
61) Theater
62) special
63) Bored
64) Money
65) Shot
66) spank
67) Threesome
68) do
69) what
70) Butt
71) Monkey
72) Nazi (oddly, the same button combination is required to spell "MAXI")
73) Cluster
74) Fucked
75)Hate
76) My
77) Roommate
78) GF
79) tonight
80) Bed
81) Good
82) In
83) bro
84) worries
85) stop
86) be
87) there
88) Mad
89) Sweet
90) New
91) talking
92) Careful
93) Home
94) Dream
95) Feelings
96) Wicked
97) Musicals
98) Thanks
99) Sorry
100) Vagina


Okay I made up the last one, I'm really all about the Vag

Side Note on Vaginas: anyone who calls a vagina (or cunt, vag, beaver, fleshy sinkhole, pussy, twat, snatch, chatch) by the term "Vajayjay" is a bon-bon eating, home shopping, photo-shooting, APA casting, Manhunt.com using, "E!News!" hosting, "BI" on Facebook (ing), sweater vest wearing, WeHo-clubbing, swim-teaming, Oprah-Loving, Musical Theater quoting FLAAAAAMERR!

The same goes for anyone who takes the camera-phone pictures of themselves and puts them up on myspace ("a place for tools!").

If I happen to know any of you reading this (no one reads this), send me anything except a text message with your number, provided you want me to call you.

Love,
Nazi

The LATEST S&M Trend

Today's youth has grown up OBSESSED with Japanese culture.

Here are some examples:

-Pokemon
-Dragon Ball
-Dragon Ball Z (Pictured right)
-Dragon Ball GT
-Yoko Ono
-Toyota's Scion line
-Thunder Cats
-Ninja Warrior
-Chia Pets (wait... did I just make that up?)
-Inuyasha
-Jackie Chan
-Anime Porn
-Nintendo
-Sushi
-Tom Cruise (wait... that's the gays again)
-Square Watermelons
-Sony
-Ghandi


AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

-KUNG FU!
-Jujitsu!
-Sake!
-Karate!
-The Ninja Turtles! (Sort of)
-The Samurai!
-Nunchucks!


My dear friend Joel from back home in Vero Beach, Florida is a 'certified Kung Fu Masta'. He is a twenty one year old Canadian-born townie who teaches karate to the yuppy youngsters in our over-privelaged hometown burb.

When I came out of the closet to my friend back home, his immediate reaction was to pop a few beans (ecstacy) and try to get in my pants. His girlfriend very much disliked the idea so pulled out every stop in the process of trying to win him back over to her 'team'.

That night an epic new fetish was born. A Japanese twist on a classic:
(Live action) Samurai Masochism!

It all started at a party: Joel the Kung Fu Masta, his girlfriend Michelle and myself were all lounging outside getting rather sufficiently wasted this past January (2007) during Winter Break.
Michelle was becoming upset because Joel had recently blown up and was yelling at Michelle because "You're blocking my view of Max. I can't see Max... Hi Max, you sexy bitch. Whatsup? Wanna make out?"

Michelle took him to the car.
They return twenty minutes later. Joel had two holes in his shirt, and bruises on his wrists. Michelle had been bit fiercely on the tongue, very close to her tongue ring. Joel's returning line was "Okay I think I'm straight again"

This is what happened:

Michelle was trying to force Joel into the car, he was reluctant until she decided to bring him down by kicking the back of his knees in. On the ground with Michelle's foot poised above his testicles, he was bound with sparring wrap from the car and thrown in the back seat.
She took a pair of sais (pictured with the Ninja-Turtle) and stabbed them through his shirt and into the back of the car seat. Joel the Kung Fu Masta was completely vulnerable. He tried to scream but was karate-chopped in the neck.

At this point he was hard as a rock! Joel was frequently caught jerking off to episodes of either Dragon Ball Z or (more likely) Dragon Ball GT, so this sort of thing was right up his alley.

Ironically, that's eventually where part of Joel's nunchucks went towards the end of the event: Right Up His Alley...

We finished the night free-styling to the guitar styles of both Joel and our friend Carey. The highlight song of the evening was the upbeat, hard hitting classic: "Joel's a biter"

Those two were a kinky couple. My recently-ex girlfriend at the time (I had just come out to her) had a breakdown thinking that I had a threesome with the two.

They later filmed their new hobby.

I heard about it maybe two months later, searched for it on X-tube and was unable to find it next to all of the other "just-added" videos of people dressing up as samurai warriors and geisha girls, Gokus and Vegetas (Dragon Ball Z- animation pictured right), Pikachus and Ghandis (suprisingly hot!), and even Raphael and Donnatello (it was kind of awkward in the turtle-suits, honestly).

All of these had been added AFTER that one eventful evening!

In the last 8 months, over 2000 films have been added do X-tube under either the search-words "Ninja Porn" or "Samurai Masochism"

When I asked Joel about this new trend, he hazily looked up from his video game and happily responded, "Did you see the one where the Scion fucked the Thunder Cat?!"

Know your homos: The Photographer

FRIENDS-

Throughout my many adventures in West Hollywood this past year, I have encountered some pretty skeezy skeeves.

Actually... Really skeezy skeeves.

Such skeezy skeeves in fact, that there are certain people who gear their entire careers around fucking the little chickens/twinks (whatever we're called now) that frequent the We-Ho scene.

In honor of these magnificent additions to our community, I have decided to run a public service program dedicated to helping the unwitting Hollywood Hopeful decipher between who is trying to help them and who is trying to hump them.

This issues installment:

THE PHOTOGRAPHER
OR
The FAGGYOGRAPHER

Commonly found:

Gay bars, "Thuper excluthive" parties in the hills, Pride-fests, gay beaches, Myspace, Facebook, etc.



Famous lines:

"Are you a model?"

"Oh my god! You have such a great look!"

"Here's my card; I would love to shoot you some time"

"It's THUPER EXCLUTHIVE!"

"You have to come back to my thtudio!"



Things to look out for:

-Their studio is in their house/apartment/basement

-They ask you to do swimsuit and give you a bathing suit that can't even hold your nuts in

-They show you pictures of their other models and the pictures have other photographer's names embossed on them.

-Their first name is Lake

-Their name is Bryan Marley

-Their name is Adan Boska

-Their myspace does not feature a picture of them

-Their myspace does not contain their name

-The bottle of "Dom" they pop open has been opened before

-Your champagne is blue

-You think they're a chick the first time you meet them

-They ask you to do nudes

-They don't "ask" ^

-They "...just want to see it"

-They want to take some "risque" shots involving you in handcuffs (Not the fake-release-kind)

-Their name is Andy Dick

-Their website features "Live nudes"

-Three words: extensive dildo collection


WHEN CONFRONTED BY SUCH A PHOTOGRAPHER:

-Look them in the eye. If they hold eye contact for more than thirty seconds, RUN!

-Read into how they shake your hand

-When it comes to nudes: just say no. Have someone you trust take them (for example, me)

-When they stick their tongue down your throat, kindly respond "I'm not that kind of girl"

-When they whip it out, kindly respond "No thanks, I quit cigarettes"

-If you wake up in an alley somewhere immediately following your shoot, scan the popular porn sites to possibly trace your friendly faggyographer.



I REALLY hope that I have been of some help. I'm here to share my wealth of experiential with knowledge you: for after all, I'm only here to help.

Love Only,
Max Vicious

TEN THINGS not to say on a date

Hey folks! Your pal Maxi V just got dumped in one of the most cruel and inconsiderate ways possible.

It was a long distance relationship. The guy, let’s call him Saul, lives in LA and had a plane ticket to visit me from September 14-17 to see the play I am in and possibly have lots of hotel sex in the process.

We had been dating off and on since January this year of our lord Jesus 2007. I had traveled to LA for winter, spring and summer breaks to be with this guy. He visited me at school once in Miami late January.

I was almost immediately in love.

I’m not going to go into this much more as the entire situation pisses me off completely. Point is: he cancelled his plane ticket and broke up with me just last night… THREE DAYS before we were scheduled to be together. It was the one thing that I was really looking forward to all month. I guess that’s what I should expect from a professional spam-mailer.

I am not going to dwell. All this only means one tangible thing:

MAX VICIOUS IS SINGLE AGAIN!

Pros: new relationships, beginnings, geographical convenience

Cons: most gay people annoy the shit out of me, every date comes with intolerable pressure to hook up, and most gay people annoy the shit out of me.

I repeated the one particular CON because of the exorbitant number of bad experiences I have had in the very little time I have even been out of the closet.

The following is a list of actual quotes and deal-breakers encountered in my various gay adventures.

TEN THINGS not to say to Max on a first date:

10) “How big is your dick?”

9) “Thanks, they’re my best pair of fairy wings!” or “ You mean you haven’t read Madonna’s children’s book?!”

8) “I was over at Andy Dick’s last night and…”

7) “I was taking pictures of my cum last night and…” (Even I’m guilty at times)

6) “Every try to suck your own dick?” (Again, this is one of those lines where you go “Did I really just say that?”)

5) “Wanna see this guy I hooked up with’s Facebook?”

4) “I’d probably sign you to my agency if we were dating”

3) “This is my favorite porn!”

2) “Are you a top or a bottom?”

1) “I’ve never seen you on Manhunt.”

Let’s try to keep it classy. Wish me luck out there!

"Gay Marriage Killed the Dino's" Exerpt

Brent Butgereit (Sprayberry High School) wrote at 6:59pm Wow. Just wow. Message - Report

Divya Joshi (SFCC FL) wrote at 5:50pm Nicky your grammar definatley shows youre an ignorant underclassmen high schooler. Go do some english 1 grammar lessons little girl. What you wrote makes NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL. You are an ignorant high schooler with no relevant argument, plz keep your stupid made up bullshit off this wall. I just got in a 4 pile car wreck..i thought the lady who hit me was a fucking retard, but then i came home and read your post. Congratulations Nicky, you are the stupid bitch i have ever come across. Message - Report

Greyson Thigpen (UF) wrote at 5:13pm Nicky, I beg to differ sweety. The orphanages won't get "to full" There are plenty of people to adopt children out there. As far as worrying about cheating did you read above about how many more different partners gay people have per year versus heterosexual people? I'd say the gays would be much more likely to "cheat" based on those studies. Message - Report

Nicky Marie (Brookings High School) wrote at 3:22pm first off if gay ppl cant adopt then the orphaniges will get to full. two gay ppl talk about straight ppl to so they laugh at then to. three kids are more likely to achieve better values if they have same sex parents cuz they wont be worrying "is my gf cheating or is my bf doin someone eles" straight couples have way more problems then gays Message - Report

Greyson Thigpen (UF) wrote at 1:09pm I must admit that I'm pretty satisfied with the way this group is going so far, keep up the good debate guys. Message - Report

Greyson Thigpen (UF) wrote at 1:06pm Heathcliff, you pose an interesting argument, I'd like to see you elaborate on that. Brent, I'm glad we could finally agree on something, you made a good point there. Max, I'm sorry you were so compelled to leave, you gave a pretty good argument and cited yourself but, really when you think about a gay gene, it just doesnt make sense, I don't care how many times you cite it. A gene that has no way of passing itself on, obviously won't pass on. A genetic anomaly? maybe, but there are too many cases for it to be an anomaly. So I'm still convinced its a choice, but maybe Heathcliff holds the middleground for us on this one, we'll see Message - Report

Divya Joshi (SFCC FL) wrote at 12:39pm Wow Anna, your edumaction at UM is really reflecting from your post. So i gonna dumb this down and state my OPINION in plain and simple english. Gay marriage is morally wrong, sure people have their own morals, but simply said..fucking another man in the ass is eh..not what your penis was made for. It was made to create new life(something gays WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO). I guess gay people just cant get it through their thick skulls; they are the laughing stock of society, social outcasts; and in this day an age, your life will go no where fast if you fit that description. IMO gays should NOT have the right to adopt a child because it will socially ruin the childs life. that being said, they will be harassed in school, they will have trouble seeking a job, and by going through a childhood like that, they will most likely contemplate suicide. Im sure i can find the statistics that prove my theory is true,but HW calls. Remember folks, that is my OPINION so dont get your panties in a bun Message - Report

Anna Clausen wrote at 11:24am fuck this titty shit. if you really think gay marriage is wrong, you are homophobic. If you dont like gay marriage DONT GET ONE Message - Report

Brent Butgereit (Sprayberry High School) wrote at 8:57am Well, to help your argument Greyson, we have not really faced overpopulation (nor will we ever). It is an economic factor. A society will only support the number of people it can hold - everyone else will either die out or move away. As to the point of calling gay 'marriages' a "homosexual or civil union", I find it to be highly reflective of Plessy v. Ferguson (*sp). The aren't the same words and therefore cannot hold an equal connotation. It is like saying "beautiful" and "gorgeous" they will have varying degrees of meaning which will never equate. "What's in a law? A law by any other definition would be as stupid." Message - Report

Max Emerson wrote at 8:25am I have provided several reasons why your ONE source can easily be incorrect (They're called theories for a reason) Again I ask: why does this affect you? Why should you have more rights than me? I'm leaving this group. Its pathetic Are you sure you want to delete it?

Max Emerson wrote at 8:24am http://www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2004/mayjun/features/roughgarden.html http://joandistrict6.com/LAWeeklyInterview.html

Max Emerson wrote at 8:24am Bruce Bagemihl’s 1999 book, “Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity,” reports homosexual behavior in some 450 species – hardly evidence of an anomaly. Roughgarden asserts that Darwin’s theory doesn’t cover the gender-bending and sex-switching behaviors that have been discovered since the 1970s in fish, bird and mammal societies. The “final torpedo,” she believes, is the mounting evidence of homosexual behavior in perhaps 300 species of animals. “According to Darwin, homosexuality is anomalous,” she explains, because “a homosexual mating can’t produce offspring. But if the only function of sex were reproductive, it’d be a very, very inefficient process. A [ratio of a] thousand or so copulations per conception is typical. Genetic traits are just not that inefficient in nature. There’s got to be another purpose for sex.”

Max Emerson wrote at 8:23am Here are some thoughts: Darwin follows up his “natural selection” research with “The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex” (published 1871). In it, Darwin suggests that homosexuality is an infrequent anomaly, but a natural trait. Current scientists suggest that Darwin’s theory needs to be, at least modified, and the more radical, like Stanford scientist Joan Roughgarden (“Evolution’s Rainbow: Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People”) suggest it should be abandoned.

Heathcliff Saunders wrote at 7:31am First off, it's been all but proven that "gay-ness" isn't passed down through genes. There is, in all probability, NOT a gay gene. HOWEVER This does NOT mean that being gay is a choice. All scientific evidence points towards a biological cause in homosexuality. Research indicates that one's sexuality, while it isn't determined at conception, is probably determined by the time the child is born. What this means is that people (men, more specifically, since sexuality differs pretty greatly between men and women) who are gay literally are born that way--they don't have a choice in the matter. I'll write a lot more later, but I just wanted to point that out; it was bothering me. I'll even cite it later. I just don't have time right now. But be prepared. I've got a lot to say. Message - Report

Greyson Thigpen (UF) wrote at 2:24am I'm not saying "oh god the whole world is gonna turn gay and we're all gonna die". That is a horribly naive alarmist thing to say, but homosexuality will certainly not help our existence on the whole. Lorenzo, that was well spoken and I agree with you, but we must respect the separation of church and state, as far as debate purposes go the religious argument doesnt go very far, unless you are using it to show that the majority of US citizens would be against gay marriage because their religions are against it. And no marriage is not possible by definition because the supreme court does not define them as a minority, (remember Mr. Hall applauding me during the class debate for making this point?). Good input though buddy, keep it up. Goodnight guys. Message - Report

Greyson Thigpen (UF) wrote at 2:16am I would also like to point out that I do not believe homosexuality occurs in nature, bisexuality does, some animals (the dog for instance) take part in homosexual behavior to show dominance over the other male or female. Now Brent, I appear to have made a confusing typo to you. And to say that having gay sex kills a child is rediculus I agree, but you must agree it is counterproductive, thats my point. Then you ask "Are we only here to have children?". I don't think so, no there are obviously people born without the ability to reproduce who have done great things, but are you suggesting that we shouldn't worry about carrying on our species? I mean yes right now overpopulation is a problem in some countries, but you just can't deny the fact that we need heterosexual procreation to carry on, and yes it does fit into the argument against gay marriage because allowing such a thing would advocate this counterproductive behavior by making it more socially acceptable. Message - Report

Greyson Thigpen (UF) wrote at 2:04am Well Max, as I've said a couple of times already, counterproductive genes just don't pass on, dominant or recessive, especially in the phenotype which is where you say this takes place. That's not made up, thats proven through the test of time. Why does it matter to me you ask? Because even though it may not affect me personally, I have issues with the fact that gay marriage would undermine the basic definition of a family, and would also be advocating behavior that is counterproductive to our species in the long run. Moving on, even though adopting parents are background checked, you are still forgetting to mention the psychological effect on the children in question. Even though I would never ridicule a child that has two parents of the same sex, the unfortunate thing is that there are kids out there who will, my point being that children living in homosexual household will have to endure a lot more through school and social life in general than a child from a heterosexual household. Message - Report

Lorenzo Fevola (Sebastian River Senior High) wrote at 1:47am I stand by the church definition of marriage itself, which involves man and woman, no other combination. This issue will arise in the future with circumstances and situations providing back and fourth debate, however when you get down to factual definitions of things, only black and white facts illuminate. Civil Unions? Be my guest. Rights? Sure take them, theyre equal to mine. Marriage? Not by definition possible. Be happy either way, think of how fortunate this day and age really is.

----------------
Now playing: Against All Authority - Keep Trying

LINK TO FACEBOOK GROUP

Another "Gay marriage" group

the PRO GAY version.
My favorite post:

"

Dan Hardill (no network) wrote
at 11:33pm on September 8th, 2007

I feel weird saying this but, I'm going to throw this out there. I'm looking for some meat to fill my tight hole. There I said it. Call if you want. (416) 456- 0878

Message - Report

"

Way to boost the team, guys.

No joke. Here's the link:

AAA FOR GAY MARRIAGE




A related group:

Abolishment of the marriage between two gay snakes.

Description:

Snake marriage is one thing, people...but gay snake marriage is something that i won't stand by and watch come into play! I'll tell you one thing, folks...i've put up with a lot of sick shit in my day...but watching same sex MARRIED snakes all over each other in the coils of lovefeeding each other their pulled pork!.....that takes the cake! i don't even mind it if we as people decide to marry a snake...as long as the snake is not the same sex as you!

Gay Marriage Killed The Dinosaurs?

Facebook Group: Gay Marriage Really Did Kill the Dinosaurs (The anti-gay marriage group)

Jason Spillgen, a friend of mine since kindergarten (not really- he's a douche) has created a facebook group against gay marriage. The group's title "Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs" has more fact in it than the entire homophobic (Cough!Hypocrit!Cough!) article that precedes the posting.

"Group Description-

A group for those of us who really do understand the treacheries of gay marriage. No satire here, well maybe just a little in the title. For those of you who don't get it, this group was created in contrast to the group "Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs". We don't actually believe gay marriage killed the dinos. Furthermore, EVEN IF you are opposed to this group, it would be appreciated if you joined just for the sake of debate"

I'm glad that as a heterosexual eighteen year old, Jason is able to share his widespread knowledge of the gay community.

In the "Recent News" column there is an article called "Top Ten Reasons Gay Marriage is Wrong" which cites thoroughly researched information like... how gays don't exist biologically.

Here are some gems:

"1). Homosexuality is not natural or genetic, this is as easy as looking at the genitalia of a man and a woman..."

"3). A homosexual home is not a good place for a child, and allowing gay marriage would constitute children living in homosexual households. I'm not suggesting that gay parents will only raise gay children, because heterosexual parents obviously raise some gay children, but the fact is that most homosexual people just aren't good influences and several children in those environments can develop some serious psychological problems."

(Yeah, like a kid is safer in the Spillgen household. Three year old bigots ARE cute though...)

"4). Don't agree that homosexuals are bad influences? Lets have a look at some statistics. I guess I'll start with rampant promiscuity. One study reports that the average homosexual has between 20 and 106 partners per year.
[Where is all this sex coming from and why am I not getting any?!]
The average heterosexual has 8 partners in a lifetime. This, in turn leads to the spread of disease, where we have a whole plethora of statistics. For instance homosexuals account for well over 50% of the AIDS cases in the United States...
[wait... what? When did that happen Jason?]
...In addition to all of this the majority of the homosexual community is depressed, 73% of psychiatrists say homosexuals are less happy than the average person, and of those psychiatrists, 70% say that the unhappiness is NOT due to social stigmatization.
[coughing]

"6). ...Furthermore, you cannot compare the ridiculous marriage of one idiotic starlet like Britney Speares to the sanctity of all heterosexual marriages. That's like if I showed you an example of one short-lived homosexual marriage and said that obviously all gay unions must not be meaningful because of this one example. It's just bad logic." [Got to love bad logic]

"9). Now, as stated earlier, homosexual marriage is not a civil right, because homosexuals are not a minority group under an accurate interpretation of current civil rights laws.... And lastly, homosexuals are not a minority group because a lifestyle choice is not an immutable characteristic. Minority groups share unchangeable, benign, non-behavioral traits such as race, ethnicity, disability, and/or national origin." [Good point Spillgen. Maybe we should redefine minority as anyone by lynchability-yes I just invented a new word]

He didn't have a tenth reason.

In your honor, Mr. Spillgen:
MAX'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY JASON IS A DOUCHE

10.) Spillgen- gayest last name ever

9.) He posted this picture:

8.) The group website is www.abcdefgay.com

7.) He's a homo... I mean, really.

6.) He has 22 facebook friends. WTF mate?

5.) His profile picture is of his car's dashboard

4.) The most similar group to this one is "I flip my pillow over to get to the cold side"

3.) He made a facebook group... What are you a theatre booster? A club promoter?

2.) He goes to UF

1.) He doesn't realize that "Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs" is an ironic slogan that was intended as PRO-gay [you stupid fucking douche]

How to: Get the drink without being touched by that weird guy at the bar

Let's face it. Sometimes your broke. Sometimes you need a drink. Sometimes both of those things happen at once.
If you're a beautiful woman you have no problem with this conflict

If you're a guy, its a little harder.
Here are your options with couple of pros and cons

-Go to a house party/friend's place
Pros: free, friendly, comfortable and hopefully fun
Cons: you might not have any friends (a big problem in the blogging community), your friend may be stingy and charge you, you could drink too much and somehow piss your friend off, or simply their place may be a boring little shithole where all they do is play video games

-Beg for money
Pros: easy labor, good hours, builds social skills
Cons: bad pay, bad karma, bad company

-Go to Andy Dick's
Pros: unlimited alcohol, occasionally famous company, lots of local "chicken" and open prescription-pill bar
Cons: risks of roofies, Andy-induced headaches, depression, low self esteem, reputation vandalism, and the occasional golden shower

-Age a twinky for 20 years
Pros: delicious!
Cons: "I'm thirsty now!"

-Hit up the Gay bar
Pros: It's a gay bar.
Cons: It's a gay bar.



Going to a gay scene is the most efficient way for a guy to get a night of free drinks from the lonely loaded gay nearby (Let's call him Thurston).
Here is how the mooch should be executed [note that this HOW TO applies very much to the fairer sex as well]:

1) Walk in, make eye contact (it's not hard to do, kids) with anyone there.
2) Glance back occasionally until Thurston hits the throttle on his Hoveround scooter and comes up to you.
3) Tell Thurston that you are waiting for someone to buy you a drink.
4) If a drink is not bought, tell Thurston you "gotta roll", leave the vicinity and repeat from step one.

After the drink is bought however, it is important that you deal with that schmuck Thurston in a gentle and compassionate way. Lets not burn any bridges.

1) Mention your boyfriend or girlfriend immediately. It should be someone who is close to their description.
2) Compliment him shamelessly (a good old fashioned ego massage is a generous consolation prize)
3) Claim you have to meet someone and get out of sight.

The problem herein is that the buyer often gains a feeling of permission to touch the moocher, interact with the moocher, and maybe even hook up with the moocher.

If somewhere in the course of your adventure you find that this perv wants your shmegma and will do what it takes:

1) Keep your drink covered
2) Avoid eye contact
3) Pull away when touched
4) Flinch when touched
5) Act like you smell something awful every time Thurston gets close to you
6) Kick out the battery on the scooter and walk away

If the situation gets out of hand and you need help make sure to yell "Fire!"

Because everyone wants to see a fire, and you may not get the right kind of help by yelling "Rape!"

24 things Max can't do at school

(speaks for itself)


24. download pirated software

23. masterbate without a schedule

22. call midgets names

21. swim in the lake

20. talk shit to the football team

19. not love Ang

18. have sex with Paul (I miss you Pauli! Can't wait to see you!)

17. be racist without consequence

16. torture small animals

15. light anything on fire

14. be homophobic

13. Pee on Ang's floor

12. have a room that doesn't smell like roommate sex

11. be late for ANYTHING

10. eat after 10:30 (fucking dining hall)

9. not warm up before performances

8. be himself without pissing somone off

7. sleep with girls (now that he's bi on facebook)

6. talk to guys in the gym (now that he's bi on facebook)

5. go on facebook without getting poked by a weirdo (now that he's bi on facebook)

4. go to the dining hall without awkward stares from closety frat guys (now that he;s bi on
facebook)

3. Enforce the restraining order on Andy dick ("public property")

2. Have Terrence Koh over to the dorms (decency laws)

1. Get away from Muff Muff (someone's a little too defensive)

Latest KOH-Respondance

Sent:
"I don't travel much"




and the Next day:





Reveived: Subject; Max V loves GREEKS

would love to poo too miami butt will be in berlin or i tink gay pariso butt have two avoid croissants TOO MUCH

come to europa to shoot my film GOD

wee need good pornstars r u an artiste ?? what stud yo are yo doing in miami u

X
t

A retraction

Discovering the author of the last comment made me decide my little High School Free Style was perfectly fine and needed no explanation.

Anonymous said...

So you are a proud racist pig and bigot in addition to being a misogynist? I thought your writing was promising but this shit is just immature and ignorant.

This was such a promising blog. Too bad.

September 5, 2007 5:53 PM

Anonymous said...

this happened in high school? are you not over it for you to now be in college and still talking about it? and i don't know the situation but it is considered rape when the girl is drunk and presses charges regardless of what really happenned, don't be so bitter.

September 6, 2007 12:11 AM

Max Vicious said...

Heyyo- .

What if the guy is drunk? What if the conversation the night before included "Call me when you're not around Max?"

it was an artistic response to a situation at the time (if we can even call it art), you must be one of those speed readers

September 6, 2007 12:51 AM

Anonymous said...

hm well this is interesting..he wasn't drunk, and i don't know what conversation you are speaking of implying "call me when you're not around max" if you're saying diego said that you are very wrong my dear.

September 6, 2007 1:12 AM

Max Vicious said...

muff muff, i mean anon,

I heard the convo

September 6, 2007 1:58 AM

RACISM: It has come to my attention

that someone out there is taking me seriously.

Everyone's a little fucked up. get over it.

"Drunken High School Grunge Freestyle"

1 Comment - Show Original Post

Anonymous said...

So you are a proud racist pig and bigot in addition to being a misogynist? I thought your writing was promising but this shit is just immature and ignorant.

This was such a promising blog. Too bad.

September 5, 2007 5:53 PM"

Read the title, friend. I did not say that I was proud of feeling that way. I just felt that way at the time. Everyone's said racist shit at a time of stress.

Normally I don't let people get to me, but this one is a serious piece of business: (Even though I know V probably posted this)

Last semester I did two scenes for an Uta Hagen "Exploration of Self" exercise in my conservatory's Freshman Studio class.

The first was changes of self; the way you carry yourself depends highly on who you are talking to and what you are wearing (building blocks of acting)

I got naked in front of the class- not even for very long

They got pissed, but of course this was a theater department so I didn't hear a single word of it until much much later.


The next exercise was "talking to the audience". I had been getting so sick of the same bullshit, boring and safe monologues that I decided to do something that was a little riskier.

My monologue addressed my best friend who was presumably in the audience-area while I waited tables at work; the Miami Improv on a Tuesday night. Tuesday night is "Urban Night", also deemed "Ghetto night" by the ENTIRE staff. It's the night that everyone quits. It is the night when weed is smoked in the back sections, people do not sit where sat, the floor ends up covered in trash and waiters get yelled at for not bringing straws with wine or a side of cherry juice.

I referred to it as such in my monologue. I also cracked some jokes that I would tell the cats at work (many of them black)....

Without even dropping the "N-bomb" I managed to enact a Category-Five Bitch-Fest in the land of the frivolous and bored.

This is the paperwork for my scene:

Max Emerson
Freshman Studio\
Uta Hagen- SIX STEPS

WHO AM I?

What is my present state of being?
How do I perceive myself?
What am I wearing?

My name is Max Emerson, waiter at the Miami Improv. I am one of the better, faster waiters and normally get the bigger sections on the most difficult nights. I am currently exhausted, frustrated and sick of my job.

WHAT ARE THE CIRCUMSTANCES?
What time is it?
Where am I?