How to be Hardcore

It has come to what little attention I have that I may have been a touch rough with the Emo kids in a recent post.

The Emo epidemic is a growing phenomenon. It is hurting/weakening/perverting our youth. "EMO", it turns out actually stands for "Eating Mostly Orphans". This young author thinks that notion is Evil/Moronic/Offensive!

Satan's fad is taking its toll on south Florida youth! Children are overheating from a combination of summer heat and excessive black clothing. Allowances are sadly trashed on piercings, eye liner and AFI albums. Perfectly good wrists are scarred. Even more perfectly good razors are getting wasted. These victimized kids eventually lash out, become closet-homosexuals and often commit hate crimes like yelling "Fag!" at passing pedestrians from their 9 year old Volvos.

Mostly importantly however, is how soft these kids are becoming. Every hardcore motherfucker knows that if you can't find a good fight and need to cut yourself to unleash you inner-pain, you go down the street, not across the tracks, "Make it count, fagot!"

What these EMO boys and girls need to do is toughen the fuck up and upgrade to the "Hardcore" clique. You don't have to be attractive. You don't have to be smart. All you need is to do a lot of drugs and be able to talk about a fight you almost just got into.

(Consider this community service for my presidential platform when I run in '08)

Everybody meet my assistant Mike.

Say "hi", Mike.


Good to have you on the show. This brings me to

Lesson 1: Scream alot. Whether you are happy, sad, excited, bummed, angry, hurt, or just having your period. The more you scream, the more cred you are ultimately to receive.

Lesson 2: Don't actually scream. I mean, we call it "screaming" but its actually not very loud without a microphone. What you do is make a rumble from a low place in your throat like you would when sucking a cock. Screamo kids love that sound.

Lesson 3: Buy a lot of drugs. Note that Max Vicious does not advocate any drug use, but does recommend that you have some on hand in order for these kids to like you. One healthy approach is to take a sewing needle and poke it repeatedly into the soft side of the elbow to create fabulous faux-track marks

Lesson 4: Buy an instrument, but whatever you do; DO NOT learn how to play it. Structure and form are the antithesis of what hardcore/metal/screamo (call it what you will) stands for. You might as well get a synthesizer, choreographer, agent, or tattoo of a Jack's Mannequin album cover!

Lesson 5: Get violent, people! This lesson applies to everyone on earth. Nobody on this planet seems to get that this society feeds on violence. If there was just a little more violence in the home daily (I'm talking only two teaspoons), our nation would save hundreds of billions of dollars in filling our national violence quota. Remember that chicks dig scars, open wounds, blood, missing teeth and the occasional "Sylvester Stalone sweet-talk".

Lesson 6: Nothing says "Punk ass hardcore motherfucker" like a facebook group. Start one up! Give it a hardcore name like "I shit on my ex-girlfriend's grave", "Twenty stitches later...", or "The casual sex facebook group"; none of that sissy "Pirates Vs. Ninjas" crap.

Lesson 7: Shave your head. The Neo-Nazi look is really vogue right now.

Lesson 8: Smoke crack before your shows.

Lesson 9: No smiling in pictures.

Lesson 10: You can still wear the eye-liner... but this time draw a cock-and-balls on your face with the pencil so people think you passed out and that you actually have friends who drew it.

Who knows; if all goes to plan you may end up with a friend or two, minimal brain damage... and even a GIRLFRIEND! She won't like your music, but will totally respect that you play...

Right, Mike?
Mike- "THAT'S ROIT!!! Her love gives me butterflies... BUTTERFLIES!!!"


Max's Dictionary

It is time. The world in which we live needs more than dicktionary.com can offer.

is proud to present your weekly

Now remember, if you hear the word on it's specified day; SCREAM REAL LOUD!
Also remember, I am not making these up. This is entirely objective social observation!

Friday, Oct 26
(a) Anything that doesn't involve sex in Hollywood
(b) A myth
(c) A means of controlling/using/abusing/hurting people (see Organized Religion)
(c) Pat (aww...)

Sat, Oct 27
(a) Anything I don't like. This word is no longer associated with homosexuality. The new term for a homosexual person is "Badass"
(b) Happy, generally in a musical theatre context. Actually; anything in a musical theatre context

Sun, Oct 28
(a) Anyone I don't like, also not exclusively homosexual.
(b) A republican senator.
(c) This guy-

Mon, Oct 29
A person of African Descent; a jungle bunny; a guy with a bigger dick than me; a burberry daddy

Tues, Oct 30
Agression cause by lousy strip clubs, racial intollerance, unibrows, excessive homophobia, no South Park, too-tight turbans, suicidal family members, lack of Hello Kitty endorsements, and an economic structure in which even the aristocracy resides in caves

Weds, Oct 31
(a) A song by Dave Matthews Band
(b) A holiday meant to celebrate the dead
(c) A holiday where girlyboys dress up as girls, slutty girls dress as sluts, attention whores try to be funny with retarded costumes nobody gets, perverts drug candy, and a wonderful time is had by all!

Thurs, Nov 1
A dick.


And I complain about homework-

The Cost of Being LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, and/or Trans) in Today’s World.

Algeria – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Angola – Labor Camps
Antigua and Barbuda – 15 Years in Prison
Bahrain – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Bangladesh – 10 Years to Life in Prison
Barbados – Life in Prison
Belize – 10 Years in Prison
Benin – 3 Years in Prison
Bhutan – 1 Month to 1 Year in Prison
Botswana – A Fine to 7 Years in Prison
Brunei – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Cameroon – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Cook Islands – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Djibouti – 10 to 12 Years in Prison
Dominica – 10 Years in Prison
Egypt – 5 Years in Prison
Eritrea – 3 to 10 Years in Prison
Ethiopia – 10 Days to 3 Years in Prison
Gambia – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Ghana – Not Known
Grenada – 10 Years in Prison
Guinea – 6 Months to 3 Years in Prison
Guinea Bissau – Labor Camps
India – A Fine to Life in Prison
Iran – Death
Jamaica – 10 Years Hard (Rock hard!) Labor
Kenya – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Kiribati – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Kuwait – A Fine to 7 Years in Prison
Lebanon – A Fine to 1 Year in Prison
Lesotho – Not Known
Liberia – A Fine
Libya – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Malawi – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Malaysia – A Fine to 20 Years in Prison
Mauritania – Death
Mauritius – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Morocco – 6 Months to 3 Years in Prison
Mozambique – Labor Camps
Myanmar/Burma – 10 Years to Life in Prison
Namibia – Not Known
Nauru – 14 Years Hard Labor
Nepal – A Fine to 1 Year in Prison
Nicaragua – 1 to 3 Years in Prison
Nigeria – 5 Years in Prison to Death
Niue – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Oman – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Pakistan – 2 Years to Life in Prison
Palau – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Palestine – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Papua New Guinea – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Qatar – A Fine to 5 Years in Prison
Saint Kitts and Nevis – 10 Years in Prison
Saint Lucia – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Saint Vincent and Grenadines – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Samoa – A Fine to 7 Years in Prison
Sao Tome and Principe – Labor Camps
Saudi Arabia – Death
Senegal – 1 Month to 5 Years in Prison
Seychelles – A Fine to 2 Years in Prison
Sierra Leone – Life in Prison
Singapore – 2 Years in Prison
Solomon Islands – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Somalia – 3 Months in Prison to Death
Sri Lanka – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Sudan – 5 Years in Prison to Death
Swaziland – A Fine
Syria – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Tanzania – A Fine to 25 Years in Prison
Togo – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Tokelau – A Fine to 10 Years in Prison
Trinidad and Tobago – 25 Years in Prison
Tunisia – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Turkmenistan – A Fine to 2 Years in Prison
Tuvalu – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Uganda – A Fine to Life in Prison
United Arab Emirates – Death
Uzbekistan – A Fine to 3 Years in Prison
Yemen – Flogging to Death
Zambia – A Fine to 14 Years in Prison
Zimbabwe – A Fine to 1 Year in Prison

The above list was compiled from data available at



Too lazy for a "Dear Max" entry

I offer soft, warm and moist appologies for not posting a blog in almost a week. Is there anything, and I mean ANYTHING that I can do to make it up to you?

This weekend was an action-packed (and I mean PACKED) adventure! More on that when the pictures come back.

In the meantime, since it's been so long, I offer TWO top ten lists for the price of one! Because really, you must have been a mess without me.

Inspired by my roommate who never leaves the room:

10 Signs You Are about to get Dumped

10) She doesn't have your number

9) She sleeps in your brother's room/sister's room/roommate's bed/dog's crate

8) She's pressing charges for that one magical night you shared

7) Her phone "has been disconnected" whenever you call from your phone

6) She has all ready moved on, on Facebook/Her Facebook page has comments like "You dump that faggot/douche/twat yet??"

5) She wants her eye makeup back

4) She takes a cab home after dates

3) All you do is eat out

2) She stops shaving

1) She stops douching.

Ten Signs that You Have No Friends
11) (BONUS!) You are my roommate

10) Your phone has no memory of missed calls... ever.

9) Your phone kills itself

8) Your dog cuts himself

7) Your mom forgets your name

6) Only one person shows up to your kegger- and steals the keg

5) You still play Pokemon

4) You hang out with Andy Dick

3) The gays don't want to make you over

2) Your sister pretends not to speak English

1) You cry when your favorite blogging stranger is MIA for four days.

If you find yourself suffering any of these symptoms; it's okay!

Remember, there is no "I" in "EMO*"

What is funny, my roomate is not even emo*. He's simply a regular everyday douche from Brooklyn.

**Emo: acronym for Extreme-MO


The Award Ceremony

T-Room Larry Becomes Iowa Hall Of Flamer Famer

Sen. Larry Craig was named Saturday night to the Idaho Hall of Fame, despite his well-publicized arrest and GUILTY plea in an airport sex sting.

I think it is politically forward thinking and ethically enlightened to place a man who pleads guilty to trolling for sex in a public bathroom to a place of Honor among Iowa’s sons and daughters.

Taking my cue from the wise Iowans, Max Vicious presents:

Vicious recommendations for the Country’s Highest Honors

  1. Memorabilia Collector of the Year goes to O. J. Simpson
  2. Mother of the Year goes to (a tie!) Brittney Spears and Jamie Lynne Spears
  3. Father of the Year goes to Chris Benoit (too soon?)
  4. Husband of the Year goes to Chris Benoit
  5. Parent – Child Communication Award goes to Alec Baldwin
  6. Wife of the Year goes to Heather Mills (and some people thought she didn’t have a leg to stand on)
  7. Couple of the Year goes to Heath Brokeback Ledger and Michelle Jack Nasty Williams
  8. D.A.R.E. Prom King goes to Peter Doherty
  9. D.A.R.E. Prom Queen goes to (a tie!) Amy Winehouse and Andy Dick
  10. Teacher of the 21st Century goes to Mary Kay Laterno
  11. MILF of the 21st Century goes to Angelina Jolie
  12. M anyone under 13 can F goes to Mary Kay Laterno
  13. Best Car Pool Dad goes to (a tie!) Kiefer Sutherland & David Hasselhoff
  14. Best Baby Sitter goes to (a tie!) Michael Jackson, Marilyn Manson, Brittney Spears
  15. Dive Team Captain goes to Johnny Fairplay
  16. The Mother Teresa Award for Inconspicuous Good Deeds goes to Angelina Jolie
  17. The Son of the Year Award goes to Ashton Kutcher (He thanks Demi for the nomination)
  18. Marriage & Family Association Person of the Year goes to Pam Anderson
  19. “Put on a Happy Face” Award goes to Avril Lavigne
  20. The Loyal Friend Award goes to Barbara Walters
  21. Hasselback Free Speech Award goes to Rosie O’Donnell
  22. American Speech Coach Association Award goes to Rosie Perez
  23. National Personal Hygiene Award goes to Benicio Del Toro
  24. Knights of the White Magnolia Award goes to Barack Oboma
  25. Jenny Craig Person of the Year goes to Beth Ditto
  26. “Wind Beneath My Wings” Award goes to Bill Clinton
  27. Not a Lesbian’ Award goes to (a tie!) Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart
  28. “Not the Father” of a Lesbian Award goes to (a tie!) Dick Cheney and Bruce Willis
  29. “Not a Homo” Award goes to Howard K. Stern.
  30. Just Acting Like A Homo” Award goes to (a “three way” tie!) Monsignor Tommaso Stenico*, Florida House member Bob Allen, Louisiana Republican Joey DiFatta, and Republican Senetor Larry Craig!
  31. “Not a Homo” Anymore Award goes to Ted Haggard and Matthew “Dirty” Sanchez
  32. Italian American Image Award goes to James Gandolfini
  33. Catholic League of Decency Man of the Year goes to Monsignor Tommaso Stenico
  34. Red Neck Image Award goes to Fred Thompson (previously won by George W. Bush)
  35. Musician of the Year goes to Jared Leto
  36. Comedian of the Year goes to Jay Leno
  37. Heterosexual Rock Star Stud Award goes to John Mayer
  38. Heterosexual R&B Star Stud Award goes to Usher
  39. Heterosexual Rapper Star Stud Award goes to Nelly
  40. Heterosexual Movie Star Award goes to (a “three way” tie!) John Travolta , Zac Efron, and Tom Cruz
  41. Independent Woman Award goes to Katie Holmes
  42. Nobel Peace Prize goes to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
  43. Best Female Vocalist goes to Marlee Matlin
  44. Overeaters’ Anonymous Person of the Year goes to Mary-Kate Olsen
  45. Light Under A Bushel” Award goes to Michael Moore
  46. Miss South Carolina goes to Lauren Caitlin
  47. Miss Milan Goes to this chick:
  48. Miss Puerto Rico goes to Ricky Martin
  49. Teen Role Model Award Goes to Lindsay Lohan
  50. Human Decency and Respect Award goes to (a tie!) Andy Dick and Dick Cheney because it’s really, all about the dick.



Why we SHOULD hit Faggots with our cars...

THOROUGH Research has been completed, and the results are in:
AMERICA is in the middle of a crisis.
And no, it's not a fashion crisis-
Prophetic leaders in our nation have worked like monks to determine what the the next scapegoat will be. The suspects: Terrorists, Blacks, Escherichia coli, The Homeless, The Gays, The Retarded or of course The Prairie Dogs.
And this years sensationalist scapegoat of the year is.... (drum roll)
The gays!... AGAIN!...Not fabulous, guys!

Here's what the experts said:

"Pat Robertson

Gays were behind Hitler

"many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals, the two things seem to go together, it is a pathology it is a sickness." - Pat Robertson on TV (I've seen the actual footage) - http://www.pfaw.org/issues/right/rtvw.antigay.shtml"

"Gays are diseased, depressed, and miserable

“You know, one of the great misnomers in our society is the term `gay.’ That somebody who is involved in something that is leading to suicide, where the V.D. rate is 11 times that of others, which are almost driven and ashamed and fearful and confused and psychotic and all the others that we read about plaguing this part of our society. The term gay is the most serious misuse of the English language. They’re not gay, they’re very, very depressed and miserable.” - 700 Club, 5-6-82 (source: People for the American Way Foundation)"

"Gays are after children

“It’s one thing to say, `We have rights to jobs...we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing.’ It’s an entirely different thing to say, well, `We’re not only going to go into the schools and we’re going to take your children and your grandchildren
and turn them into homosexuals.’ Now that’s wrong.” - 700 Club, 9-17-92 (source: People for the American Way Foundation)"

"Gays want to disprupt churches, spread AIDS and spit at ministers

"[Homosexuals]want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers." Pat Robertson, 700 Club, 1/18/95 - People for the American Way Web site, http://www.pfaw.org/issues/right/rtvw.antigay.shtml"

"Jerry Falwell

God hates homosexuality

"god hates homosexuality" - Jerry Falwell on TV"

"The Family Research Council

Gays will recognize pedophiles as prophets

"...one of the primary goals of the homosexual rights movement is to abolish all age of consent laws and to eventually recognize pedophiles as the 'prophets' of a new sexual order." - "Homosexual Activists Work to Normalize Sex With Boys," FRC publication, July 1999, http://www.frc.org/misc/bl057.pdf

Columbine killers might be gay/bisexual

"What Are The Media Hiding?....the media have been slow to give a full profile of the killers -avoiding any mention of their alleged bisexuality as reported by several students....Matt Drudge describes them in his report as 'gay, jock-hating, confederate flag-wearing, goth rock & Marilyn Manson loving, white supremacist, fingernail polish wearing, Hitler birthday celebrating outcasts'....One student shortly after the attack said they were militant 'gays' who were retaliating against jocks. Another student said on NBC's Today Show that the trench coat kids bragged about being bisexual... No American news outlet has reported that bi-sexuality could have played a part in the tragedy." - FRC's "CultureFacts", April 21, 1999, http://www.frc.org/culture/cu99d3.html

Matt Shepard, and gays generally, will not inherit the kingdom of God

"homosexuals are included in a list of sinners, who, if unrepentant, will not inherit the kingdom of God." - Family Research Council press release about Matt Shepard's funeral, on the day of the funeral, October 16, 1998, http://www.frc.org/press/101698.html. The release implied that a gay person who had not yet become, or tried to become, an "ex-gay" was "unrepentant."

"Lesbianism akin to eating off the floor

"You don’t have to eat the stale crumbs off the dirty floor, which is basically what lesbianism is."- AFTAH Web site interview with FRC's Yvette Cantu, http://www.americansfortruth.org/ycc_interview.htm "

(What the fuck does that one even mean?!")

"Gays don't like children

"To me, thinking that a gay [male] couple would even want to adopt a child is bizarre [because] I can’t imagine them wanting that kind of responsibility. The homosexuals I knew who had been married before had already dumped their kids on their ex-wives, and were perfectly happy to see them two weeks out of the year! If they had children, what would happen when they were too busy having their sex parties?" - AFTAH Web site interview with FRC's Yvette Cantu, http://www.americansfortruth.org/ycc_interview.htm "

Matt Shepard compared to a drunk

" 'They create a climate and environment of intolerance and give license to those who seek to vent their rage or frustration on an entire community,' Human Rights Campaign executive director Elizabeth Birch said Wednesday, addressing a Washington rally attended by the likes of actress Ellen DeGeneres and Alan Simpson, a Republican former senator from Wyoming. Ms. Farish vehemently rejects such allegations. 'Don't blame AA because a drunk was beat up,' she said." - Heather Farish of the Family Research Council, quoted in the Dallas Morning News article, "Why now? Other gays have been victims of brutal attacks, but the slaying of a Wyoming student has caused a national outcry," by Brooks Egerton, October 17, 1998."

Other Faggish FACTS:


* Gays have sex with animals
* Tattoo AIDS patients, castrate gays
* AIDS is a Godsend
* Gays eat feces
* Gays engage in torture and pedophilia
* Put AIDS patients in detention centers
* Outlaw homosexuality, register gays
* Gays prey on the young
* Homosexuality is caused by older predators
* Gays are pedophiles
* Gays molest children
* Gays consume blood
* Gays are promiscuous
* Gays have abnormal sex
* Treating AIDS patients is risky

* Gays are medical horror story
* Gays are sexually troubled

* Gays are unhealthy, violent, and bad parents
* Gays beat their spouses * Gay parents molest their children * Gays don't believe in commitment * Thomas Jefferson said to castrate gays * Gays attack children ...
* Gays chose to get AIDS
* Gays aren’t safe or masculine

* Being gay is akin to pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia
* Acceptance of homosexuality leads to "death and despair"
* Satan uses homosexuals
* Homosexuality is a "deathstyle"
* Lesbian love is "a lie"
* Lesbians are "broken people" with "a lack of self-worth"
* Gays out to destroy marriage
* Gay rights will bring wrath of God
* Gays need a good "whack"
* Abuse is main cause of homosexuality
* Gay parents are "child abuse"
* Gay cabal controls everything
* Being gay is like drug addiction
* Gays haven't found Jesus
* Gays join devil in attacking family




The Max Vicious solution:a good old fashioned Hallocaust!


10)"Broadway cares, EQUITY fights AIDs" Is actually a cover-up conspiracy set forth by
the gay mafia that actually supplies terrorists with funds (As long as the terrorists bomb buildings that are either architecturally insignificant or just not aesthetically pleasing)

9) All gay people smoke crack

8)Gays possess what is known as the "Zombie" or "Vampire" affect: their gayness can spread onto a heterosexual during a molestation (EX: any Theatre Dept.)

7) They also spread West Nile Virus

6) The E! Channel

5) Gays writing is self-indulgent and exclusively about the author's self or kind

4) West Hollywood

3) Andy Dick

2) Britney Spears

1)Gays don't think it's wrong to be gay, which implies moral perversion on issue
s from abortion to gay-zombie-control

Lynching makes for a decent cardio workout as well- Just make sure not too get bit by those queers... or else you're next!

Just kidding: someone's gunna be out to getcha even if you're not gay... they'll think of something :-)

Love only,

-Max Zombie


Hate Crime of the Week!

In local Miami News:

"Hit-And-Run Victim Targeted For Being Gay

31-Year-Old Remains In ICU Three Weeks Later"

Link to Hate Crime of the Week:

Driver's TOP TEN HATE CRIME QUOTES of the week:

10) "Let's see if Tinkerbell can fly"

9) "You see that fine piece of ass? I would totally hit that."

8) "Let's hit someone with the car and then go to the gym.
Anyone seen my undersized t-shirt and D&G shades?"

7) "A fag ...on South Beach?! Get him!"

6) "Oops I did it again!"

5) "Is he still singing? No? Oh shit, this is serious!"

4) "I swear I thought he was Jewish..."

"Why did the Pansie cross the road...?"

2) It was an accident- I was blinded by all the glitter"

1)"I am a very unhappy and conflicted person but I have such a socially inspired psychiatric construct against any inward investigation of my aberrational notions that I am unable to deal with my problems... Hey look, a queer!"

...love only?



Freedom- Love it or strap in!

Freedom in Sexuality- An Uncensored Essay from an Uppity Fag

“It's so wonderful being a gay person. I said that before. I'm going to say it again. I love being gay. And I love gay people. I think we're better than other people. I really do. I think we're smarter and more talented and more aware and I do, I do, I totally do. And I think we're more tuned in to what's happening, tuned into the moment, tuned into our emotions, and other people's emotions, and we're better friends. I really do think all of these things. And I try not to forget them” –Larry Kramer

Being a homosexual male is advantageous in our society today. America as a whole is no longer afraid of the homosexual as much as they are simply bored of the critical issues CAUSED by the community’s own irresponsibility and lack of cohesion. They can’t do anything about it so they stop caring. In the entertainment industry, for example; being gay can either be the biggest advantage or disadvantage a person may have. It is absolutely dependant on the intelligence and self-respect of said homo.

Being gay comes with a plethora of stereotypes; obviously these stereotypes are mostly negative. Society has a less than tolerant reaction to these stereotypes and I cannot always blame them. It is primarily the lifestyle, not the gender preference that most people are against (except for those anti-gay-marriage freaks). It is this essential subject that really bothers me. A person of loose sexual boundaries, flippant attitude and spoiled-little-girl demeanor deserves a return of the exact same energy that they have polluted our world with regardless of their sexuality. During this past summer I lived in West Hollywood for three months. During that time I was:

-sexually harassed by a major talent agent (“I would probably sign you if we were dating”)

-molested by two professional photographers (“Let’s do nudes”/”Can I see it?”),

-propositioned by producers, costume designers, actors, bar managers, senators (kidding), bartenders, writers, guys masturbating in their Volvos (NOT kidding), etc.

-facebook “poked” by over forty guys whose pickup message was simply either “you’re cute” or, “nice pics”

-groped in some form buy a middle aged businessman EVERY NIGHT that I worked the Hollywood Improv (logically located in West Hollywood)

I am not trying to be a self-hating-homo as much as a younger, wittier, more sardonic and less crazy Larry Kramer (whose work I really recommend adding to our reading list). For those of you who are not familiar, Larry Kramer is an ex-gay-manslut turned AIDs-awareness-activist. In his famous speech “The Tragedy of Today’s Gays” Kramer rips the collective gay ass wide open. In this eye opening speech, he admits his own contribution to the AIDs crisis; “I know I murdered some of them. I just know. You know how you sometimes know things? I know. Several hundred over a bunch of years, I have to have murdered some of them, planting in him the original seed.” (Kramer)

Kramer has grown from circuit-clubber, to raving lunatic, to highly respected raving lunatic. “I know many people look to me for answers. Perhaps that is why many of you are here. You want answers? We're living in pigshit and it’s up to each one of us to figure out how to get out of it. You must know that by now. Crystal meth is not an answer. You must know that by now…You want to kill yourself. Go kill yourself. I'm sorry. It takes hard work to behave like an adult. It takes discipline. You want it to be simple. It isn't simple. Yes it is. Grow up. Behave responsibly. Fight for your rights. Take care of yourself and each other…No one likes to be told to grow up. It's insulting. But these are always the answers…There will never be any other answers…Be proud of yourself. Be proud you are gay. I don't know why so many find all this so complicated. But then I am 69 years old and have less patience for the many problems I had myself when young. It is one of the privileges of getting old…It is 25 years since 100,000 of us marched on Washington” (Kramer). I guess on this particular point, Kramer says it all; “You cannot continue to allow yourselves and each other to act and live like this!” (Kramer)

Since there is such a strong stigma associated with being gay, some people would be surprised to learn that it is only the sexual attraction that is dictated by birth. Lisping is a choice; as is reckless sex, effeminate behavior, flimsy morals and other socially aberrational qualities. When a person learns that I am gay, they are normally surprised and often compliment me in some form or another. The fact that I am gay AND act in a socially ‘normal’ manner seems to make me a much more valuable person in some people’s eyes. It’s the new affirmative action! Or is it reparations?

Speaking of affirmative action; violent crime associated with either race or deviant sexuality (pedophilia excluded) is almost nonexistent in America. Social isolation is obviously still present, but this ostracizing is almost the equivalent of having a lisp (the speech impediment kind, not the affected kind); you get a few jokes every so often and a couple assholes don’t want to associate with you. So what? The point is that nobody has to “pass” as anything that they are not anymore.

Being gay no longer disqualifies the artistic merit of the individual (unless they are an actor…kidding). In fact, the mystical and elusive “gay aesthetic” (EX. Plastic Flamingos?) gives creative gay males the upper hand. Hairdressers, interior designers, writers, musicians and photographers (you go, Fosso!) all have a leg up by just having the label “gay”. In some circles, GAY is equivalent to BFA (well, not quite). Being gay automatically makes the individual an outsider to the ‘normal” community. Being a fish out of water is what makes an artist original (since being original is what makes an artist).

Although a very disconnected community when it really counts, the gay male demographic is a very beneficial and easy (no pun intended) niche to fill. My first week in LA was filled with expensive dinners, parties in the Hollywood Hills and free drinks; all thanks to the illustrious Velvet Mafia. Granted I was given the star-treatment entirely based on my physical appearance and party-persona; it would have been nearly impossible to meet such influential friends and have these experiences if I were a straight or closeted man.

My blog is gay themed (if not centered) because of two important reasons:

1) My writing will gain acclaim faster in the land where the twink is king.

2) I have a lot of problems with the gay community and like to preach.

3) It's so wonderful being a gay person. I said that before. I'm going to say it again. I love being gay. And I love gay people. I think we're better than other people. I really do. I think we're smarter and more talented…” blah, blah, blah…

It is every queer’s duty to accept, embrace and love their identity while maintaining a sense of self respect and responsibility as to further the culture.

Max Vicious, my blog name, has made a career out of walking the line between stroking gay male ego and giving said population a much needed kick in the ass (actually I will grant that particular favor to anyone who asks). Online there are no rules. It is the perfect example of the way our world has changed recently. The internet has brought upon such unlimited connectivity to the world around us that what was once shocking or off-limits is now entertaining, enlightening, boring or annoying.

Enlightenment is the goal. Entertainment is the means. Annoying or offensive may be a vicious side affect, but boring is what kills your ratings in America today. Let’s apply these rules to politics:


The Persian Cat in The Hat

Ahmadinejad Might Be On To Something

I know that the President of Iran’s visit to Columbia was several weeks ago, but his comments and the reaction to his comments have stayed with me. I would have discussed about this sooner, but I was exercising my freedom to have a lot of sex. - Because, if Max Vicious isn’t sodomizing, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins.

To add onto Columbia’s moronic choice of inviting president Mahmoud AssMadeInJihad (or whatever), Columbia’s President Bollinger reprimanded the new prince of darkness by way of introduction. I am sure AssInTheHat was terrified by this stern talking to from a teacher. A reprimand from a University Administrator is almost like a public hanging, without the sno-cones, cotton candy and death rattles.

During the Q&A portion Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said,

"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country. We don't have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who has told you that we have it."

It is now time to admit that I am the one who told everyone that there were homosexuals in Iran.

It was an honest mistake!

I was looking at that whole ‘Persian history’ thing and the record of homosexuality as part of the Persian culture as fact.

I still don’t believe that Rumi wasn’t [censored for sake of author’s safety]… Ahmadinejad has taught me that recorded history, if inconvenient, should be denied in favor of a new truth that matches your political and financial goals – wait a minute, it might have been George W. Bush that taught me that. I get the two mixed up on a few rare occasions.

As I look at Iran, the combination of Ahmadinejad’s obsessions with all things gay and the Sharia law (which he uses to collect and kill the fags) makes me wonder if I have to agree with Ahmadinejad’s statement. I also wonder if this even matters at all anymore It seems that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has stoned, hung, lashed, and gender reassigned “this phenomenon” right out of existence in modern Iran.

Vicious Evidence That There Are No Homosexuals Left in Iran

  • Unruly facial hair. There is clearly no one to tweeze, trim, and hedge clip the facial hair of our Diminutive Dictator.
  • Man on Man kissing. Nothing screams “heterosexual” like a little tonsil tennis with an adolescent boy. Or is that nothing screams “Republican Senator” like… I always get my “ruling parties” confused.
  • No choirs. There are clearly no choir directors. Have you heard the tunes at the mosque lately? …Makes me long for the Methodists.
  • The Dictator’s schedule is a mess. No lesbians to keep the little guy on task.
  • No Iranian swim team in the Olympics. No one to swim, no one to coach, no one to design the swimsuit.
  • No Female Iranian Olympic team. They whine, “We trip on our burkas. We can’t see the ball.” I say, “No dykes left.”
  • No prom. No teachers left to think it’s fun. No gay boys left to make the crepe paper flowers. No gay girls to build the stage.
  • No Drama Club. Considered the “Gay Head Start,” Ahmadinejad banned it right after he didn’t get cast as Tom Thumb in Tehran High’s production of Barnum!
  • No nice restaurants. No one to cook, to wait tables, or customers who tip well.
  • No audience left for The Andy Dick Ramadan Holiday Spectacular.
  • No audience left for E! News.
  • No audience left for the High School Musical franchise.
  • No KY factory.
  • No Burberry factory.
  • No Condom factory.
  • No Starbucks.
  • No Mac Store.
  • Bushes in the public parks are dropping- they aren’t getting their usual protein.
  • No fast food joints. No one to manage the places.
  • No Universities. No one to manage the places.
  • No gyms. No one to manage the places.

I know the religious right in this country must be jealous. In Iran they can hang us, even if we’re all ready hung. They can lash us, even if we’re not into whips. They can even CUT OFF OUR CREW!


– here they can’t even stop us from getting married.

I have to go now and do my patriotic duty and find me some man-snootch at the Miami Airport Bthroom (“C’mon, Mr. Slave!”) so that AhmInDuhJihad doesn’t win.





Why Max Vicious is saving himself for marriage.

An in-depth, objective essay on the chaste nature of Max Vicious

Max Vicious is a warm, moist and loving person.

He always has his fellow man (and occasional beast)’s best intentions in mind: even if it hurts.

When a person has sex with another an unbreakable bond is made that forces the signers of this mucusy contract subject to any and all drama that the other decides to dish out.
Not even a deerskin condom can break that bond (Uncle Chuck…)

With that said; Love is always going to be Pain and blue balls are always going to hurt. This essay hopes not to assume that Max Vicious does not “get down”.

Waiting for marriage spares people from risking catching various diseases such as:

1) AIDs

2) DBS (Douche Bag Syndrome)

3) Dick-zits

4) Pregnancy (Namely: stupid, stupid babies)


…. We interrupt this hilarious blog list to announce that Britney Spears is currently cutting her wrists!

ATTENTION ENTIRE WORLD: BRITNEY SPEARS JUST CUT HER WRISTS! Obviously, we should never have taken her children away!

Back to the list:

5) Crazy-bitch-ass Baby-Mamma drama

6) Punishment from Christ in the afterlife

7) SSS- (Slutty Skank Syndrome/Skeezy Skeeve Syndrome)

8) ThThTh (Thlutty Thkank Thyndrome... it's the gay version)

On the other rosy palm: “Getting down” can also have its benefits! By hitting triples, the participating parties lower their risk of encountering:

1) BDBS (Boring Douche Bag Syndrome)

2) Clingy Virgin Disorder (Primary Symptom: Inflamed phone bill)

3) JCLS (Juvenile ‘Cat-Lady’ Syndrome)

4) Sexually-triggered crying fits (brought on by bad sex on wedding night, honeymoon, or after honeymoon.)

…Thought just occurred- Anal sex doesn’t count right? …Oh it does?

…Oh shit, never mind.

Dear readers, please disregard this essay.

Love only, people!


The Problem with Porn

My good friend friend, I’ll call him Alex (because that’s his name) recently broke up with his boyfriend. Now, Alex isn’t normally the paranoid type but when he started hooking up with this rebound boi, he had the sense that something was different.

Alex isn’t sure, but he thinks that Rebound Boi might be a porn star and/or escort. Alex just doesn’t know how to tell for sure without asking directly. But asking directly would eliminate the drama and make Alex… well, healthy.

So, as a service to Alex and as a favor to all of you who find yourself in this position. Here is

50 Vicious’ Clues That Your New Boi

Might Secretly Be a Porn Star and/or Escort

  1. Before sex he requests a fluffer.
  2. Before sex he requests your credit card number.
  3. Before sex he asks if your contract is as good as his.
  4. Before sex he asks about star billing.
  5. Before sex he asks about hourly billing.
  6. When asked for his address, he says, “Rentboy.com”
  7. He has an acne problem... on his dick
  8. He kisses best in public places.
  9. He fucks best in public places.
  10. He calls his penis, “the business.”
  11. When you have sex, he asks that you do the “hard shots” first.
  12. When you have sex, he requests that all of the lights be turned on with a “key light” on “the business.”
  13. He won’t allow cameras, not even at his Birthday party, because he “only does behind the scenes stuff if he gets paid.”
  14. He refers to hooking up as “doing the scene”
  15. He calls for “make-up!” – for his butt.
  16. When you change sexual positions, he yells, “Cut.”
  17. He says that since you mean so much to him, he’s going to give you his toll-free number.
  18. When he cums, he asks if they got the “money shot.”
  19. When you cum, he suggests that there is a lot of cash in being a stunt cock for Andy Dick.
  20. When you’re done having sex he lights a cigarette and says, “Now that’s $300 an hour sex!”
  21. He takes your pocket change off of the night-stand.
  22. He refers to your kitchen as “craft services”
  23. He refers to your bedroom as “the set.”
  24. He refers to your hot tub as “the set.”
  25. He refers to the elevator in your building as “the set.”
  26. When you go out to eat he waxes poetic about working the “exteriors”
  27. When he returns from a “business trip,” he has 90% less body hair than when he left.
  28. When he returns from a “business trip,” he is 90% more dilated than when he left.
  29. When he returns from a “business trip,” he asks if you mind sharing your room with “the talent.”
  30. When he returns from a “business trip,” he asks you to call him “the original Brent.”
  31. His Myspace message board is full of “testimonials” from men of a “certain age.”
  32. His Myspace profile picture is a guy who looks a lot like him with no body hair and a much bigger package.
  33. He makes a lot of phone calls to “Daddy” but never seems to talk to his father.
  34. He takes Viagra instead of Vitamins.
  35. You often overhear him say “That’s going to be another fifty” when on his ‘work phone’.
  36. He says if you guys would be straight together and have sex, you could make good money in Fort Lauderdale.
  37. The counter on his web site counts a different kind of “Hits”
  38. The headline on his web page says “Millions and millions served”
  39. He has Andy Dick on speed dial.
  40. He gets Burberry scarves from business contacts on his birthday.
  41. His phone’s ring back tone is “Milkshake (Kelis)”
  42. He knows the entire E! News Team
  43. He knows the entire Fox News Team
  44. He is on Anderson Cooper’s Christmas card list
  45. He gets Valentines from Jake Gyllanhal
  46. He has a signed and framed picture of Peter North
  47. He buys lube at Sam’s Club by the gallon
  48. He has Larry Craig’s business card with “Call me, stud. I’m a senator!” hand written on it.
  49. He has a ninja suit
  50. With every cough comes a strange, white looger

Love only,
Max Venereal