The Emo epidemic is a growing phenomenon. It is hurting/weakening/perverting our youth. "EMO", it turns out actually stands for "Eating Mostly Orphans". This young author thinks that notion is Evil/Moronic/Offensive!
Satan's fad is taking its toll on south Florida youth! Children are overheating from a combination of summer heat and excessive black clothing. Allowances are sadly trashed on piercings, eye liner and AFI albums. Perfectly good wrists are scarred. Even more perfectly good razors are getting wasted. These victimized kids eventually lash out, become closet-homosexuals and often commit hate crimes like yelling "Fag!" at passing pedestrians from their 9 year old Volvos.
Mostly importantly however, is how soft these kids are becoming. Every hardcore motherfucker knows that if you can't find a good fight and need to cut yourself to unleash you inner-pain, you go down the street, not across the tracks, "Make it count, fagot!"
What these EMO boys and girls need to do is toughen the fuck up and upgrade to the "Hardcore" clique. You don't have to be attractive. You don't have to be smart. All you need is to do a lot of drugs and be able to talk about a fight you almost just got into.
(Consider this community service for my presidential platform when I run in '08)
Say "hi", Mike.
Mike: "WAHHH!!!!HELLOOOO THERE!!!!"
Good to have you on the show. This brings me to
Lesson 1: Scream alot. Whether you are happy, sad, excited, bummed, angry, hurt, or just having your period. The more you scream, the more cred you are ultimately to receive.
Lesson 3: Buy a lot of drugs. Note that Max Vicious does not advocate any drug use, but does recommend that you have some on hand in order for these kids to like you. One healthy approach is to take a sewing needle and poke it repeatedly into the soft side of the elbow to create fabulous faux-track marks
Lesson 4: Buy an instrument, but whatever you do; DO NOT learn how to play it. Structure and form are the antithesis of what hardcore/metal/screamo (call it what you will) stands for. You might as well get a synthesizer, choreographer, agent, or tattoo of a Jack's Mannequin album cover!
Lesson 5: Get violent, people! This lesson applies to everyone on earth. Nobody on this planet seems to get that this society feeds on violence. If there was just a little more violence in the home daily (I'm talking only two teaspoons), our nation would save hundreds of billions of dollars in filling our national violence quota. Remember that chicks dig scars, open wounds, blood, missing teeth and the occasional "Sylvester Stalone sweet-talk".
Lesson 6: Nothing says "Punk ass hardcore motherfucker" like a facebook group. Start one up! Give it a hardcore name like "I shit on my ex-girlfriend's grave", "Twenty stitches later...", or "The casual sex facebook group"; none of that sissy "Pirates Vs. Ninjas" crap.
Lesson 7: Shave your head. The Neo-Nazi look is really vogue right now.
Lesson 8: Smoke crack before your shows.
Lesson 9: No smiling in pictures.
Lesson 10: You can still wear the eye-liner... but this time draw a cock-and-balls on your face with the pencil so people think you passed out and that you actually have friends who drew it.
Who knows; if all goes to plan you may end up with a friend or two, minimal brain damage... and even a GIRLFRIEND! She won't like your music, but will totally respect that you play...
Mike- "THAT'S ROIT!!! Her love gives me butterflies... BUTTERFLIES!!!"