Should I get an abortion?
I couldn't bare to give my child away to a stranger (what if they are Jehova's Witnesses or blacks or cannibals or... or Andy-Dick-types?!) and feel that having a child would be bad for my future.
This is truly a heartbreaking and conflicting issue for me. I really want to do it; to try and raise this child which may somehow grow to love me and forgive me for all of my faults. The problem is that everyone tells me that I am in no way fit to raise a child.
My parents told me that if I was to keep the kid, that they wouldn't babysit when I'm not at work, stop paying for my cell phone, not buy baby clothes (and crib, etc) and take back my gas card! I all ready have to cover car insurance, shoes and my implant follow up visits; could you imagine how much a baby would cut into my coke budget!?
-They do not have maternity pay at either of my jobs. In fact, the Star Strip club says I am out of the job at the second trimester.
Lastly, I just wanted to say that I love your blog! My friends and I talk about it almost every day. The issue on samurai masochism was really a flashback and a half; that is the number one requested kink at work!
Oh! I actually once met THE Joel "NINJA WARRIOR" Brown about six months ago. If anyone out there doesn't believe that Joel really sparked this eastern wildfire, I offer this personal testament; Joel Brown went level four Goku on my Hello Kitty!
"Love only" to you too, Maxi (god I wish you weren't all "Goku seeking Jet Li" if you know what I mean)
Dear Careless slut-
Should YOU have an abortion?
Yes, and if insurance doesn't cover it because it's your fifteenth one; take an egg beater and shove it up your Hello Kitty until you feel a little skull sliding down your leg: the little guy will thank you fifteen times before it hits the floor.
Now loyal fans, before you go all "of course that jealous fagot hates babies" on me; think about this:
You, Miss Careless Slut (Is there a Mr. Careless slut? Kidding), will be completely unfit to care for a child who will grow up lonely, neglected and very very bitter. It will inevitably become a pill popper, goth kid, cripple (you fucking smoker!), schoolyard sniper or homosexual (the "product of fucked up childhood" kind, not the genetic kind).
Abortion is a serious issue. Max Vicious does not take it lightly.
It really, really worries me.
The increasing number of REPEATED abortions strikes fear in the depths of my soul:
I fear that our nation's youth will grow up with a total lack of responsibility (a striking contrast from the current population!)
I fear that abortions will eventually become so commonplace that their will eventually be "In-home Abortions" with catchy corporate names like "The month after kit" or "Baby Be-Gone".
It would not surprise me is America even goes as for as marketing them to kids with pictures of Big Bird and slogans like "U is for Unplanned".
I fear that this trend will spark a whole new list of parent-isms:
3) "Brad you know the legal abortion age is now 9, right?"
2) "Dinner didn't sit well; I feel like I just had an abortion"
1) "Missy, go upstairs and clean your womb!"
I fear that some dumb shit, broke-ass stripper will try using drain-o (Did I say "fear"? I meant... What's that word? Oh yeah; "hope")
I fear that neighborhoods will begin designating special bins at the recycling centers for stem cells ("Damn it, who keeps putting glass in the baby bin?!")
As logical as the pro-life outlook seems, baby-killing is a conflicting issue none the less. Obviously, some people would do better being spared the horrors of a life of "You're hungry again?! Jesus Christ! You are going to be the fattest little girl at preschool!" or "No! Sit here and watch reruns of my show while I jerk off! Tell me you love the Andy Dick show and that I was really funny in 'Dude Where's My Car' or else you go back in the cage!"
The Max Vicious solution to abortion:
1) Every female citizen is allowed three abortions; this rule of 3 should take care of the innocent accidents ("whoopsie-babies"), rape and fatal complications.
2) If any more are ever required, that citizen is to be aborted as well.
3) Said trampy and irresponsible citizens are to be put in a giant blender and "pureed" for about 30 seconds.
4) Giant blenders should be located in every state capitol as well as the largest city.
5) Proceeds from said giant blenders go to feeding local orphanages (obviously with some sort of tortilla chip)
6) Careless man-sluts responsible for over two abortions will have an apendage of choice removed for every subsequent impregnation until the only thing left is that "baby, it's not my fault" smile
Careless slut, I really hope I have been of some help.
Released in 2001, the first Kids Bop album was certified GOLD by October 13, 2002. This sparked a national phenomenon that got kids bopping along to popular tracks such as "Kryptonite" from 3 doors down (Below)
Since its conception, Kidz Bop has had over TWELVE follow-up albums featuring great songs like:
1)Waiting on the World to Change (John Mayer)
2) Beverly Hills (Weezer)
3)Speed of Sound (Coldplay)
4) Crazy in Love (Beyonce)
5) Monster Mash (Who the hell knows)
All of them hits in kid form, just like their grown up counterparts!
Problem. Kidz Bop 12, released July 27, 2007, is not doing so hot. Neither is "Kidz Bop Country", "Kidz Bop Halloween", "Kidz Bop Hanukkah" or even "Kidz bop Sports Jamz"!
Q: Why Max, why is this wonderful line of children's entertainment tanking?
A: It is outdated. Pure and simple. Today's tots want to be treated like grownups. They want what the rest of us want: Excitement! Drama! Sex! Gunshots! References to anal sex!
Q: How can we help?
A: Take Max's advice and produce the new and improved "Kidz Bop! (Parental Discretion Advised)" Featuring top hits like:
1)Caress me Down (Sublime)
2) Hot in Here (Nelly)
3) Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-a-lot) [See below]***
4) Sippin' on some Syrup (Three 6 Mafia)
5) Maxwell's Silver Hammer (The Beatles)
6) My Neck, My Back (Khia)
7) Camel toe (Daphne Aguilera) [See below]*
8) Cop Killer (Ice-T, Body Count)
9)I Wanna Fuck You (Akon)
10) Mr. Nigger (Mos Def)
I think that these selections will really spice up the next wave of Kidz Bop hits!
Because really, doesn't the world need more kids acting like a cross dressing Andy Dick, booty-loving Sir Mix-a-Lot or even that random racist homosexual Josh from Youtube.com?
With marketing in mind:
As most of you know, I just got out of a long distance relationship with a spam mailer who lives on the other coast. Between that, my brother's separation, and my mother's recent divorce; one could compute that my family is having shit luck in the love department.
While modern technology has filled long distance relationships with more erotic possibilities, it also makes breaking up riskier:
Say one party signs the other's business email account up for fifteen or more gay dating sites; there are certain repercussions for that decision.
Along with who gets which CDs and whose T-Shirt is whose, there is the uncomfortable agreement about the disposition of certain electronically recorded intimacies.
Not the Max Vicious knows anything about this personally; I only offer my insight on this tender subject.
….that motherfucker better take that video down now!
- Your proctologists asks for your autograph.
- Your track coach marvels at your “ability to run with the size of that thing”.
- You get 73 Facebook friend requests from “straight” Frat guys.
- You get 33 Facebook friend requests from “bi” Frat guys.
- You get 3 Facebook friend requests from the Priests at your
. Catholic High School
- The people from the Guinness Book of World Records keep calling.
- Andy Dick recognizes you on the street.
- The cashier at the grocery store says, “You look taller standing up.”
- Chris Crocker makes a video about you, but in it he just stays under his sheet.
- David Geffen offers you a full scholarship to UCLA!
- Black people in burberry scarves keep buying you drinks
- You get invited to Erotica Los Angeles
- Merv Griffin's ghost pokes you on Facebook
- Andy Dick pokes you on the street
- You lose your job at Disney
- You are offered a job at Falcon Studios
- On Myspace.com you get 43 friend requests from photographers who seem to “love your look”
- KY offers you a sponsorship
- Terrence Koh offers you a lot more than that
- Chuck Norris sends death threats. And later, flowers
- Stop referring to himself in third person.
- Add “And so says Jehovah” to his answers on his math quiz.
- Adopt a kitten and keep it in his shower caddy.
- Adopt a child and keep it in his shower caddy.
- Cheat on his English paper even if God tells him to.
- Cheat on his boyfriend even if God tells him to.
- Call in noise complaints about the voices in his roommate’s head.
- Ask the RA to check for scary clowns under his bed.
- Ask the RA to check for evil monkeys in his closet
- Ask the RA to check for any Freshman in the closet.
- Ask the RA to feed the orphan in the shower caddy.
- Point and laugh at the Tuba players in the marching band.
- Point and laugh at the “tight ends” on the football team.
- Tell his German Professor “We kicked your ass in World War Two!”
- Have World War Two Flashbacks.
- Tell his Queer Literature teacher to "Go suck a dick"
- Tell the Irish Exchange student he is “Magically delicious.”
- Ask his Lesbian teacher to "Go home and make me a sandwich, will ya?"
- Invite Terrence Koh over for a Dorm Sleep Over, Floor Dinner, etc.
- Trade textbooks for “magic beans” (stupid buyback policy is shit)
- Use G.W. Bush’s “D” average as motivation for skipping class.
- Insist that take-home exams be ratified by a 2/3rds majority.
- Pretend to be Cynthia Nixon while in class.
- Pretend to be Richard Nixon while in class.
- Pretend to be Richard Simmons while in the shower.
- Pretend to be the Wrestling Team’s mascot.
- Wear a halter-top and wedgies to the gym.
- Wear superman underoos to the gym.
- Wear only his “clothing optional” visor to the gym.
- Form a gang of homosexual college students and challenge the Crips (We'll give your nigguhs such a pinch!")
- Refer to the Security Officer as “Mommy”
- Refer to the Dean of Students as “Daddy”
- Claim roommate’s inflatable Sheep as a “contraband pet”
- Call in an “Amber Alert” when his roommate stays out all night.
- Call in a child endangerment complaint when his roommate stays home and has sex while Max is “sleeping”
- Conduct psychological experiments on his roommate.
- Bum a cigarette off on anyone under twelve.
- Watch queer porn on his laptop during Queer Lit class.
- Touch a girl’s breast and ask if it’s real (Actually sometimes in the theater dept...)
- Touch a boy’s breast and ask if it’s real (Now that he's bi on facebook).
- Imply that his Math Professor is old enough to have invented numbers
- Imply that his Acting teacher is old enough to be “Thespis”
- Use a smiley face as an integer
- Tell children that the crocodile in the lake is filled with coins and yummy candy so they should try to break it open.
- Give children tattoos.
- Sell oregano to freshmen as “kine buds”
- Sell chalk dust to freshmen as “kine chalk”
- Sell freshmen to drug dealers as “sex slaves”
- Sell freshmen to the theatre teachers as "sex slaves"
- Send freshmen to find the “new theatre”
- Wear a gimp suit to Queer Lit class.
- Ask to be referred to as Princess Gorgonzola.
- Demand to be referred to as Lady Peeinmouthia.
- Use a rolling A-frame ladder to “squish things” in lighting crew.
- Test electrical outlets with a fork in lighting crew.
- Attempt things he saw on a cartoon in lighting crew.
- Respond to discipline reports with “that’s what she said when the bed broke.”
- Challenge the receptionist at admissions to a duel.
- Push ladders over and yell "TIMBER!!!" in light crew.
- Respond to sexual harassment discipline meetings with "Thar she blows"
- Go to the clinic and ask for a Free Financial AIDS test.
- Claim that he is authorized to strip search track team members during races.
- Chase track team members during races.
- Break the restraining order filed by the track team.
- Use the school copy machine to publish 6000 copies of “the scribbles that keep the scary clowns away”
- Use “They probably were stoned” as an answer to any question posed by a literature Professor.
- Use “You can’t prove it” as an answer to any question posed by a literature Professor.
- Use “My manhood is highly sensitive” as an answer to any question posed by any Professor.
- Use the Dorm’s loudspeaker system to voice his concerns about peeing in the communal showers.
- Drink a gallon of red food coloring before a urine test.
- Perform lap dances in the counseling center’s waiting room.
- Fill his dance belt with extra strength icy-hot.
- Demand the right to be strip-searched by campus cops.
- Confess to crimes that took place before he was born
- Claim Oprah is his mother.
- Claim he is the product of “virgin birth.”
- Claim he is a virgin.
- Claim he is “the one.”
- Claim he is “the love that dare not speak its name.”
- Use Photoshop to create naughty images of floor mates he’d like to see “together”
- Use Chartwells chicken salad as a personal lubricant.
Now guys, this is important. Instead of wasting your time at circuit parties or snorting ketamine off Andy Dicks prick, take some time and consider who you should be casting your vote for.
I didn't go, as they refused to let me ask the candidates the questions I had prepared. That, and I had met a very cute boy named Potrick the day before... but that's irrelevant.
Irrelevant because I KNOW MY SHIT.
There are a few important people who read this particular blog (I will not name them because they may or may not exist). It would be a great favor for these people (you know who you are) to pass these gems along to the 2008 Presidential candidates.
Vicious Advice to the 2008 Democratic Presidential Candidates
Joe Biden - Why are you wasting my fucking time? Does “snow ball’s chance in hell” mean anything to you, Joey? You were drop kicked from the last election because you plagiarized a speech. Lame. Now it looks like you are copying Hilary’s platform. Sure, she’s the smart girl in class, but keep your eyes on your own paper, nimrod. I’d give you shit about your stance on gay marriage, but I’ll save it for Hilary, after all, it’s her idea.
And Joe, take it from someone who offends everyone, don’t praise “under represented minorities” for being “articulate” – and don’t sound surprised when you say it. Nothing says, “Douche Bag” like a compliment for proper fucking syntax, asshole.
Joe, you are an old grizzled white guy. Give up the fake bake and blue rinse and be what you are. Joe Joe, focus on the senate and save your money and my fucking time.
Hilary Clinton – I like you Hilary for the same reason half the world hates you. You are a smart uppity bitch with more money than Satan. I too am a smart uppity bitch with more Satan than money – aww, we’re like siblings.
What’s this shit about preserving the “sanctity of marriage”? YOU MARRIED BILL “MAN-HO“
I know, I know, you don’t personally oppose gay marriage but that won’t play in
And Hilary, find a queer boy who will always tell you the truth – I’m available. The pantsuits are fine, but the pants are too short. You look like Erkel’s mother. This whole matronly thing is fine, it worked for Margaret Thatcher, but your make-up looks like Bill applied it with his thick dick and his blue dress history has proven that his aim is not that good. Use that cash and hire a fairy - look what it did for Oprah.
Chris Dodd – Chris, I get it. You are in the race to run for Vice President. I appreciate a man with limited aspirations – I dated a spam mailer – but really what would you bring to the Democratic ticket? You could, what, deliver
You might argue that you are a smart guy with a lot of experience in Government. Well, when has that mattered in an election? George W. Bush is the motherfucking President of the
And what’s this shit about “states decision” on Civil Union and Gay Marriage. THE CONSTITUTION, which guarantees my rights, is a Federal Document. Protect it at the motherfucking Federal level, ass wipe; does “Blessings of Liberty” ring a bell?
Chris, you are the slacker’s hero. You want to decriminalize marijuana and you don’t aim at the stars, you aim at the ceiling when you feel like it. Do us proud, bro, and drop out before
John Edwards – John Boi, you could win this thing, so here are some things you must know: You blink too much when you are on TV. In the Presidential Forums, you look like you are sending Morse Code with your long, feminine eye lashes. The message you are telegraphing is, “Don’t hit me, Mill-worker Daddy!”
Close your mouth when you are listening and smile a little instead of looking like you are afraid that you are going to get the answer wrong. You are so many years past boyish that clueless has lost its charm.
Bro, easy on the tanning bed and teeth whitener. George Hamilton will not win this election. Go for that, “I actually work in an office” look.
I appreciate that you “oppose divisive Constitutional amendments to ban same-sex marriages.” It really rapes my goat that you can’t manage “come out” and actually support my right to get married. We get that it’s personal and you just can’t “come to that” yet. It is going to be hard for me to “come to that “ vote for you with your tiptoeing around support.
John, one hot blowjob in 10th grade from that hot senior does not mean you are a
Mike Gravel – Mike, you are a nutty motherfucker. Your FCC report reveals a surplus of $498 in your campaign account while Hilary filed $31 million. Your campaign finance looks like my life savings (that’s bad).
You make Kucinich look conservative with your support of gay marriage, decriminalization of marijuana, and federal financing of stem cell research.
That bandage you always wear on your temple screams, “you think that’s funny, my age spots are killing me.”
I have got to admire you for your platform, but I suspect that you are crazy in near-Terrence-Koh proportions. You seem to have no idea what country you are campaigning in. You were Governor of Alaska, or so you say, but no one from
Don’t get me wrong, that alone would get my vote.
Having you as President of the United States would be like having a jolly senile old coot in office who makes decisions based on what would be most fun – oh, wait that was Ronald Regan.
Dennis Kuinich -- I am taking this Greek Mythology class and I keep thinking about you. You know, Cassandra, she’s the war whore that Agamemnon brings home and she has the gift of prophesy but not the gift of communication? She keeps telling everyone the truth but they all think she’s crazy and they laugh at her. Denny, you are totally our Cassandra. Everything you say is amazing, your platform is fucking impeccable, but you sound like the Keebler Elf and Ross Perot had a child who they kept locked up in the magic tree.
You should be President, but you won’t be President unless you follow my plan:
Hire Daniel J. Travanti (right) to be you. He looks Presidential, sounds Presidential and he needs a job. He’s a great actor, for example, everyone thinks he’s straight. It will be like a ventriloquist act, only this time you’ll be the ventriloquist instead of looking like the dummy.
Until your people can get Travanti on board with the plan, stop screaming the last three words of every sentence. You are starting to sound like Howard Dean on helium.
Barack Obama – Seriously?
You will give me the same fucking arguments about the sanctity of marriage that kept interracial marriage illegal in some states beyond the day you were born?
In fact the last anti-miscegenation laws were struck down in 1967. So, Barack, you show up at Pride, you embrace us, you “respect” your gay bothers but you think our love is second rate? You think it diminishes the ability of a “family to thrive”?
Now, I think it is great that Miss Oprah is campaigning for you but you need to know that Miss O is surrounded by more second rate loving fairies than
One more thing, your wife’s crack about “keeping your own house, before you can keep the white house” is bad motherfucking karma. Watch your toe tapping in the men’s room and don’t let one of those cock-eyes wander to any woman under 83. The gods of karma are looking for your fall (they’re from the south).
As a candidate with no Foreign Policy experience, you need to mind your Domestic Policy.
Bill Richardson –Billy, you SHOULD be THE candidate in this election. The winner SHOULD carry the south-west, interior west, and the south, SHOULD have a huge Hispanic voter base, SHOULD have international and domestic experience, SHOULD be stepping up from the Governor’s House, and should have Congressional Experience. Billy, that’s you! That’s you!
A- You sound like a bitch complaining about her salad dressing all of the time. Every position you take sounds like you are getting ready to call your daddy to ask for a new Audi. Bill, the leader of the free world is THE Daddy. Complaint is not a platform, it’s a wet fart. And Bill, we get it. You speak English and Spanish and you sound like a fucking whiney
And while you seem to be growing something like testicle(s), take a stance on gay marriage. Half of your staff registers code lavender on Homeland Security’s Gaydar meter. Host their weddings in the rose garden! You’ve got a great record on gay issues, why not follow through and give me the same rights as Jennifer Lopez and her three sanctified marriages.
Al Gore – Don’t Al. Just Don’t. Take that Joan Rivers face lift and walk away. It’s all over, fat-man.
I remember you when you came to visit last semester to speak at our school. Your presentation gave me nightmares (the inevitability of becoming a fat crazy old sensationalist coot seemed like the REAL Inconvenient Truth).
Here is a list of the runner-ups:
1) "Must Love Bunnies"
2) "Welcome! Watch your ass"
3) "The only hater allowed here is me"
4) "Welcome! Now go fuck yourself"
5) "How much?"
6) "Only related to Sid through artificial chemicals"
7) (Of course) "The Best and Brightest of the bottom of the barrel" [a slogan coined from becoming the valedictorian of the Alternative High School once I got expelled... fucking Narc-ass theater kids]
8) "25% public commentary, 25% smart ass, 50% douche bag"
9) "Gay people don't have to suck (figuratively)"
10) "Mom, I am sorry if you ever find this page"
Although I like the new slogan with which I went, I think I can do better. This is one of those things where it seems that an outside perspective would be best.
I need your help! Send me some possible slogans!
I have been informed in the course of my oh so homo education that there is such a thing called being "On the Down Low" (or "DL" for short).
Apparently it refers to people who are homosexuals are in the closet or claim to simply be "experimental" or "not a faggot" or "career oriented".
Everyone I have ever heard of who is supposedly on the DL was somebody I had definitely assumed was member of the illustrious velvet mafia ("Its SATIN, damnit!"). Examples:
-Anyone whose ever been in a boy band
-Senator Mark Foley (c'mon!)
-The guys from South Park
-Everyone on Mad TV
-Senator Larry Craig
-Governer Charlie Crist
-Zac Efron (we all know, Zac)
-John Mayer (I miss you, John)
-Most black people (I didn't say nigger this time!)
I'm not trying to bolster my team here in any way (this list is the celebrity equivalent of the kids who get picked last for dodge ball)
My Point: YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!
Here is a list that will help those of you in the closet stay in the closet.
My reason for helping said cowards deny their identity: I don't want you pussies on my team. We have too many wing-wearing, musical-singing, bug-chasing (eww), senate leading, chicken-hawking, photo-taking, sauna-steaming, bath house frequenting (enough! Jesus!) 'mos as it is.
The list of dead giveaways:
(AKA Max's shout out to Jeff Foxworthy)
-you wear capris (I don't care if you're European!)
-your sentences ever start with "hayyyyyy"
-Whitney Houston is on your iPod
-you own more shoes than your girlfriend
-you own more shoes than your boyfriend
-you are your baby-mama's hairdresser (white people...)
-you buy non-water-based lube
-you spot more than three strangers at the gym/day
-you buy lube in crates
-you go to the theatre more than once a week
-you spell it "theatRE"
-you are in any way associated with a tanning salon
-you call yourself "Kung Fu Masta"
-the average eye contact with other guys lasts more than twenty seconds
-you go to the twenty four hour WeHo
-you think Peter North plays for the Patriots
-you've ever seen "Cats"
-you've ever been in "Cats"
-you own more than two cats
-you host E!News!
-your piercings set off metal detectors
-you've seen Beyonce in concert
-you've been "Beyonce in concert"
-your weave costs more than your wife's (white people...)
Just a sub-note: I was only kidding about not wanting you on our team. It's not like you could hurt.
The current population is full of
self-absorbed ass holes,
and of course; blogging-chatch-bags who are obsessed with their sexuality and what it entails!
...I wish I could sleep
Dear Max Vicious-
I've been trying to go to the gym more often lately. Problem is; I get really paranoid whenever I do squats or presses because someone always comes up to me asking if they can spot me.
It gets kind of awkward. Whenever I'm doing squats they spot me "from the glutes" and during bench they straddle my chest instead of standing behind me. I just know that there has to be another way to spot. I've been going to the West Hollywood 24 Hour Fitness for only two weeks; all ready my "glutes" are covered with little purple pinch marks and my shorts have very difficult white stains from the steam room.
What can I do to rectify this problem?
-Concerned Closet Lifter
Dear Concerned Closet Lifter-
Your gym is an especially difficult case. the 24 Hour Fitness in West Hollywood is the only gym in the 24 hour line that isn't technically 24/7 (the steam room closes at 9pm... For damn good reason)
Number one- stop using words like RECTIFY.
Number two- you need to learn to identify the "Skeezy Skeeve Steves" from the friendly "Spotter Stans" mid-workout as to avoid such confrontations.
So here it is, just for you Concerned Closet Lifter, the latest installment of "Know your homos"
"How about them Dodgers?"
"That's a pretty heavy lift"
"I've been lifting here since they outlawed gang banging jiggaboos"
"How old are you, son?"
"When I was your age... (Followed by a really creepy, vulgar anecdote)
How to avoid: this type will most likely not try to spot you, as they cannot lift more than the first plate or two on the "15-minute circuit strength trainer" machines. However, this type will try to hold you in painfully long and boring conversations while curling 2.5lb dumbbells for two hundred sets of 4 and a HAAAAAALF.
The most dangerous preyground for this type is the shower, steam room, sauna, hot tub or locker room (where you will be most tired... and naked).
The best way to manage a dangerous confrontation with a JERRYatric is to kick them in the nuts. This is a surprisingly easy task as they are not very agile (also, the testicles hang near their knees so proves to be an easy target for even the most sauna-drained gym-goer)
The Creepy Karl
Most often found: at the stair master with their shirt rolled up over their "fl"abs, lying on the sit up benches, yoga class, following you around doing one set of every exercise imaginable, making up exercises while staring, and of course saunas/hot tubs/showers/steam rooms/bath houses
"I see you in here a lot"
"You're getting big (while staring at your crotch on the bench)"
"I never see you in here with a girlfriend"
"I like your shorts, where can I get into a pare of those"
"Are you a top or a bottom?"
"[Really creepy, awkward and uncomfortable stare]"
How to Avoid-
Although these guys are only faking the good majority of their workout, they still pose a threat. Sometimes you encounter one that gets bored of being turned down by the "normals" so actually takes to working out.
All I can tell you with these guys is to be very blunt and rude if need be. The most effective measure is an angry, awkward stare in return.
If they take that as some sort of sultry cum-hither, try:
"What do you want?"
"Dude, I'm not that kind of girl"
"Studs Porno Theater is that way"
"Lemme guess, you want to take my head shots"
"Do you know Andy Dick*"
My dear reader, I truly hope I have been of some help. After all, it's what I am here for!
*Did you really think I would write an entire article without a single mention of Andy Dick? I mean yeah, he doesn't go to the gym- there's a porno theater two blocks from the WeHo 24 Hour- but still... Really?
This is one of those rare and depressing times where Max Vicious can't turn something on (emphasis on RARE)
Even after putting it through the dryer (the obvious course of action), the phone seems adamant about being a broken little piece of shit (Like yours truly). I have tried everything: waiting for it to dry, detaching the battery, blowing it, blow-drying it, hitting it against my desk, hitting it against my face, asking it nicely, yelling at it, having other people yell at it, tickle its asshole with it's favorite charger for days on end... Nothing!
Currently, the substitute phone is a two year old mess that doesn't have a working screen and requires the charger to be unnaturally jammed up its hindquarters for five times the normal phone requires.
Sprint, the GREATEST company in the world when it comes to fixing problems over the phone and internet, eventually decided to send me a replacement. It took only five separate calls and a total of two hours on hold, but finally the job was done.
A plus: I managed to get them to send me a list of all of my text messages since my plan was switched to "Unlimited Texts" back in May.
So for your edutainment:
MAX'S 100 MOST TEXT-MESSAGED WORDS
45) Silly (eww, Max... #45, really?)
72) Nazi (oddly, the same button combination is required to spell "MAXI")
Okay I made up the last one, I'm really all about the Vag
Side Note on Vaginas: anyone who calls a vagina (or cunt, vag, beaver, fleshy sinkhole, pussy, twat, snatch, chatch) by the term "Vajayjay" is a bon-bon eating, home shopping, photo-shooting, APA casting, Manhunt.com using, "E!News!" hosting, "BI" on Facebook (ing), sweater vest wearing, WeHo-clubbing, swim-teaming, Oprah-Loving, Musical Theater quoting FLAAAAAMERR!
The same goes for anyone who takes the camera-phone pictures of themselves and puts them up on myspace ("a place for tools!").
If I happen to know any of you reading this (no one reads this), send me anything except a text message with your number, provided you want me to call you.
Here are some examples:
-Dragon Ball Z (Pictured right)
-Dragon Ball GT
-Toyota's Scion line
-Chia Pets (wait... did I just make that up?)
-Tom Cruise (wait... that's the gays again)
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
-The Ninja Turtles! (Sort of)
My dear friend Joel from back home in Vero Beach, Florida is a 'certified Kung Fu Masta'. He is a twenty one year old Canadian-born townie who teaches karate to the yuppy youngsters in our over-privelaged hometown burb.
When I came out of the closet to my friend back home, his immediate reaction was to pop a few beans (ecstacy) and try to get in my pants. His girlfriend very much disliked the idea so pulled out every stop in the process of trying to win him back over to her 'team'.
(Live action) Samurai Masochism!
Michelle was becoming upset because Joel had recently blown up and was yelling at Michelle because "You're blocking my view of Max. I can't see Max... Hi Max, you sexy bitch. Whatsup? Wanna make out?"
Michelle took him to the car.
They return twenty minutes later. Joel had two holes in his shirt, and bruises on his wrists. Michelle had been bit fiercely on the tongue, very close to her tongue ring. Joel's returning line was "Okay I think I'm straight again"
This is what happened:
Michelle was trying to force Joel into the car, he was reluctant until she decided to bring him down by kicking the back of his knees in. On the ground with Michelle's foot poised above his testicles, he was bound with sparring wrap from the car and thrown in the back seat.
She took a pair of sais (pictured with the Ninja-Turtle) and stabbed them through his shirt and into the back of the car seat. Joel the Kung Fu Masta was completely vulnerable. He tried to scream but was karate-chopped in the neck.
At this point he was hard as a rock! Joel was frequently caught jerking off to episodes of either Dragon Ball Z or (more likely) Dragon Ball GT, so this sort of thing was right up his alley.
Ironically, that's eventually where part of Joel's nunchucks went towards the end of the event: Right Up His Alley...
We finished the night free-styling to the guitar styles of both Joel and our friend Carey. The highlight song of the evening was the upbeat, hard hitting classic: "Joel's a biter"
Those two were a kinky couple. My recently-ex girlfriend at the time (I had just come out to her) had a breakdown thinking that I had a threesome with the two.
They later filmed their new hobby.
I heard about it maybe two months later, searched for it on X-tube and was unable to find it next to all of the other "just-added" videos of people dressing up as samurai warriors and geisha girls, Gokus and Vegetas (Dragon Ball Z- animation pictured right), Pikachus and Ghandis (suprisingly hot!), and even Raphael and Donnatello (it was kind of awkward in the turtle-suits, honestly).
All of these had been added AFTER that one eventful evening!
In the last 8 months, over 2000 films have been added do X-tube under either the search-words "Ninja Porn" or "Samurai Masochism"
When I asked Joel about this new trend, he hazily looked up from his video game and happily responded, "Did you see the one where the Scion fucked the Thunder Cat?!"
Throughout my many adventures in West Hollywood this past year, I have encountered some pretty skeezy skeeves.
Actually... Really skeezy skeeves.
Such skeezy skeeves in fact, that there are certain people who gear their entire careers around fucking the little chickens/twinks (whatever we're called now) that frequent the We-Ho scene.
In honor of these magnificent additions to our community, I have decided to run a public service program dedicated to helping the unwitting Hollywood Hopeful decipher between who is trying to help them and who is trying to hump them.
Gay bars, "Thuper excluthive" parties in the hills, Pride-fests, gay beaches, Myspace, Facebook, etc.
"Are you a model?"
"Oh my god! You have such a great look!"
"Here's my card; I would love to shoot you some time"
"It's THUPER EXCLUTHIVE!"
"You have to come back to my thtudio!"
Things to look out for:
-Their studio is in their house/apartment/basement
-They ask you to do swimsuit and give you a bathing suit that can't even hold your nuts in
-They show you pictures of their other models and the pictures have other photographer's names embossed on them.
-Their first name is Lake
-Their name is Bryan Marley
-Their name is Adan Boska
-Their myspace does not feature a picture of them
-Their myspace does not contain their name
-The bottle of "Dom" they pop open has been opened before
-Your champagne is blue
-You think they're a chick the first time you meet them
-They ask you to do nudes
-They don't "ask" ^
-They "...just want to see it"
-They want to take some "risque" shots involving you in handcuffs (Not the fake-release-kind)
-Their name is Andy Dick
-Their website features "Live nudes"
-Three words: extensive dildo collection
WHEN CONFRONTED BY SUCH A PHOTOGRAPHER:
-Look them in the eye. If they hold eye contact for more than thirty seconds, RUN!
-Read into how they shake your hand
-When it comes to nudes: just say no. Have someone you trust take them (for example, me)
-When they stick their tongue down your throat, kindly respond "I'm not that kind of girl"
-When they whip it out, kindly respond "No thanks, I quit cigarettes"
-If you wake up in an alley somewhere immediately following your shoot, scan the popular porn sites to possibly trace your friendly faggyographer.
I REALLY hope that I have been of some help. I'm here to share my wealth of experiential with knowledge you: for after all, I'm only here to help.
Hey folks! Your pal Maxi V just got dumped in one of the most cruel and inconsiderate ways possible.
It was a long distance relationship. The guy, let’s call him Saul, lives in LA and had a plane ticket to visit me from September 14-17 to see the play I am in and possibly have lots of hotel sex in the process.
We had been dating off and on since January this year of our lord Jesus 2007. I had traveled to LA for winter, spring and summer breaks to be with this guy. He visited me at school once in
I was almost immediately in love.
I’m not going to go into this much more as the entire situation pisses me off completely. Point is: he cancelled his plane ticket and broke up with me just last night… THREE DAYS before we were scheduled to be together. It was the one thing that I was really looking forward to all month. I guess that’s what I should expect from a professional spam-mailer.
I am not going to dwell. All this only means one tangible thing:
MAX VICIOUS IS SINGLE AGAIN!
Pros: new relationships, beginnings, geographical convenience
Cons: most gay people annoy the shit out of me, every date comes with intolerable pressure to hook up, and most gay people annoy the shit out of me.
I repeated the one particular CON because of the exorbitant number of bad experiences I have had in the very little time I have even been out of the closet.
The following is a list of actual quotes and deal-breakers encountered in my various gay adventures.
TEN THINGS not to say to Max on a first date:
10) “How big is your dick?”
9) “Thanks, they’re my best pair of fairy wings!” or “ You mean you haven’t read Madonna’s children’s book?!”
8) “I was over at Andy Dick’s last night and…”
7) “I was taking pictures of my cum last night and…” (Even I’m guilty at times)
6) “Every try to suck your own dick?” (Again, this is one of those lines where you go “Did I really just say that?”)
5) “Wanna see this guy I hooked up with’s Facebook?”
4) “I’d probably sign you to my agency if we were dating”
3) “This is my favorite porn!”
2) “Are you a top or a bottom?”
1) “I’ve never seen you on Manhunt.”
Let’s try to keep it classy. Wish me luck out there!
Facebook Group: Gay Marriage Really Did Kill the Dinosaurs (The anti-gay marriage group)
Jason Spillgen, a friend of mine since kindergarten (not really- he's a douche) has created a facebook group against gay marriage. The group's title "Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs" has more fact in it than the entire homophobic (Cough!Hypocrit!Cough!) article that precedes the posting.
A group for those of us who really do understand the treacheries of gay marriage. No satire here, well maybe just a little in the title. For those of you who don't get it, this group was created in contrast to the group "Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs". We don't actually believe gay marriage killed the dinos. Furthermore, EVEN IF you are opposed to this group, it would be appreciated if you joined just for the sake of debate"
I'm glad that as a heterosexual eighteen year old, Jason is able to share his widespread knowledge of the gay community.
In the "Recent News" column there is an article called "Top Ten Reasons Gay Marriage is Wrong" which cites thoroughly researched information like... how gays don't exist biologically.
Here are some gems:
"1). Homosexuality is not natural or genetic, this is as easy as looking at the genitalia of a man and a woman..."
"3). A homosexual home is not a good place for a child, and allowing gay marriage would constitute children living in homosexual households. I'm not suggesting that gay parents will only raise gay children, because heterosexual parents obviously raise some gay children, but the fact is that most homosexual people just aren't good influences and several children in those environments can develop some serious psychological problems."
(Yeah, like a kid is safer in the Spillgen household. Three year old bigots ARE cute though...)
"4). Don't agree that homosexuals are bad influences? Lets have a look at some statistics. I guess I'll start with rampant promiscuity. One study reports that the average homosexual has between 20 and 106 partners per year.
[Where is all this sex coming from and why am I not getting any?!]
The average heterosexual has 8 partners in a lifetime. This, in turn leads to the spread of disease, where we have a whole plethora of statistics. For instance homosexuals account for well over 50% of the AIDS cases in the United States...
[wait... what? When did that happen Jason?]
...In addition to all of this the majority of the homosexual community is depressed, 73% of psychiatrists say homosexuals are less happy than the average person, and of those psychiatrists, 70% say that the unhappiness is NOT due to social stigmatization.
"6). ...Furthermore, you cannot compare the ridiculous marriage of one idiotic starlet like Britney Speares to the sanctity of all heterosexual marriages. That's like if I showed you an example of one short-lived homosexual marriage and said that obviously all gay unions must not be meaningful because of this one example. It's just bad logic." [Got to love bad logic]
"9). Now, as stated earlier, homosexual marriage is not a civil right, because homosexuals are not a minority group under an accurate interpretation of current civil rights laws.... And lastly, homosexuals are not a minority group because a lifestyle choice is not an immutable characteristic. Minority groups share unchangeable, benign, non-behavioral traits such as race, ethnicity, disability, and/or national origin." [Good point Spillgen. Maybe we should redefine minority as anyone by lynchability-yes I just invented a new word]
He didn't have a tenth reason.
In your honor, Mr. Spillgen:
MAX'S TOP TEN REASONS WHY JASON IS A DOUCHE
10.) Spillgen- gayest last name ever
9.) He posted this picture:
8.) The group website is www.abcdefgay.com
7.) He's a homo... I mean, really.
6.) He has 22 facebook friends. WTF mate?
5.) His profile picture is of his car's dashboard
4.) The most similar group to this one is "I flip my pillow over to get to the cold side"
3.) He made a facebook group... What are you a theatre booster? A club promoter?
2.) He goes to UF
1.) He doesn't realize that "Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs" is an ironic slogan that was intended as PRO-gay [you stupid fucking douche]
24. download pirated software
23. masterbate without a schedule
22. call midgets names
21. swim in the lake
20. talk shit to the football team
19. not love Ang
18. have sex with Paul (I miss you Pauli! Can't wait to see you!)
17. be racist without consequence
16. torture small animals
15. light anything on fire
14. be homophobic
13. Pee on Ang's floor
12. have a room that doesn't smell like roommate sex
11. be late for ANYTHING
10. eat after 10:30 (fucking dining hall)
9. not warm up before performances
8. be himself without pissing somone off
7. sleep with girls (now that he's bi on facebook)
6. talk to guys in the gym (now that he's bi on facebook)
5. go on facebook without getting poked by a weirdo (now that he's bi on facebook)
4. go to the dining hall without awkward stares from closety frat guys (now that he;s bi on
3. Enforce the restraining order on Andy dick ("public property")
2. Have Terrence Koh over to the dorms (decency laws)
1. Get away from Muff Muff (someone's a little too defensive)
Everyone's a little fucked up. get over it.
Read the title, friend. I did not say that I was proud of feeling that way. I just felt that way at the time. Everyone's said racist shit at a time of stress.
Normally I don't let people get to me, but this one is a serious piece of business: (Even though I know V probably posted this)
Last semester I did two scenes for an Uta Hagen "Exploration of Self" exercise in my conservatory's Freshman Studio class.
The first was changes of self; the way you carry yourself depends highly on who you are talking to and what you are wearing (building blocks of acting)
I got naked in front of the class- not even for very long
They got pissed, but of course this was a theater department so I didn't hear a single word of it until much much later.
The next exercise was "talking to the audience". I had been getting so sick of the same bullshit, boring and safe monologues that I decided to do something that was a little riskier.
My monologue addressed my best friend who was presumably in the audience-area while I waited tables at work; the Miami Improv on a Tuesday night. Tuesday night is "Urban Night", also deemed "Ghetto night" by the ENTIRE staff. It's the night that everyone quits. It is the night when weed is smoked in the back sections, people do not sit where sat, the floor ends up covered in trash and waiters get yelled at for not bringing straws with wine or a side of cherry juice.
I referred to it as such in my monologue. I also cracked some jokes that I would tell the cats at work (many of them black)....
Without even dropping the "N-bomb" I managed to enact a Category-Five Bitch-Fest in the land of the frivolous and bored.
This is the paperwork for my scene:
Uta Hagen- SIX STEPS
WHO AM I?
What is my present state of being?
How do I perceive myself?
What am I wearing?
My name is Max Emerson, waiter at the Miami Improv. I am one of the better, faster waiters and normally get the bigger sections on the most difficult nights. I am currently exhausted, frustrated and sick of my job.
WHAT ARE THE CIRCUMSTANCES?
What time is it?
Where am I?
What surrounds me?
What are the immediate circumstances?
It is a Tuesday night; Urban Night. Everyone always quits on Tuesday nights. It is , last call rush at the Improv. Urban night is known affectionately as “Ghetto Night” where 400 ill mannered black people cram into the Improv to harass the staff, drink Hennessey and eat chicken wings. I am leaving the front waiter station (bar) with a tray full of drinks that falls to the floor as I cross the stage. In a fury I scream “I fucking hate ghetto night!” to the audience and proceed to explain what the night is and how I feel about the way I am treated as I clean up the mess and reorder my drinks on the computer system.
WHAT ARE MY RELATIONSHIPS?
How do I stand in relation to the circumstances?
Other people involved?\
Drinks spill all of the time. In this scene it is simply the final straw. All ready aggravated and exhausted by an 11 hour school day (-8 with only a one hour break), this next obstacle proves that my responsibilities are too much stress for me to handle. One obstacle is that I really want to cry, but instead get angry and say inflammatory things about black society and restaurant patrons. I cheer myself up by explaining how the restaurant takes advantage of them by charging 21 dollars for a shot of Patron, and mention how I don’t remind guests that tip is already included.
WHAT DO I WANT?
What is my main objective?
My immediate need or objective?
My immediate need to is get the drinks to their tables so that I can be sent back by the guests for random things (like straws for wine glasses or silverware for chicken wings). I need to drop my checks way ahead of time on Tuesday nights because these people are famous for trying to walk out on their checks and leaving their waiters to pay the bill.
WHAT IS MY OBSTACLE?
What is in the way of what I want?
How do I overcome it?
My objective with the audience is that I want their sympathy because as a theatre-going crowd, I would hope to convince them to tip their waiters better now knowing the hardships they go through.
During the monologue, my physical objective is to quickly clean up these glasses and the mess and ring up new drinks before a guest comes back from the show room to harass me.
WHAT DO I DO TO GET WHAT I WANT?
How can I achieve my objective?
What’s my behavior?
What are my ACTIONS?
I get what I want (earn sympathy and respect) by regaining my professional attitude before entering the showroom with my drinks. My behavior at first is childish and on the verge of a breakdown thanks to the stress. My actions of quickly and efficiently recovering from the accident helps me regain composure. Talking to the audience also helps in allowing me to vent
The dirtiest thing in the monologue, in my opinion was
"I feel like I'm paying for the sins of my great, great, great, great grandparents. That's totally unfair! I have black people in my family tree... they're just hanging from it"
Although a completely fucked up statement out of context, my coworkers found it hilarious.
My class did not. Again the first inclination I had to being in any sort of social trouble came that evening at dinner in the dining hall when they all hushed their apparently heated conversation when I brought my tray over and sat down.
We talked about the exercise in the next class. Four kids cried! The one black person in our class was not even present during the monologue but could barely speak through her tears. Somehow she managed to bust out a three minute verbal ass-whooping for committing some hate crime she hadn't even seen me do.
So when you get all high and mighty over the verbal diarrhea that comes out of me at times. We all feel the way we do when trying circumstances arise; I just have the metaphorical balls to speak exactly as I feel, record the emotions that I had, and put them on the display that is the humanity of Max Mufuckin Vicious.
If you have a problem with me displaying sides of myself (like my oversized cock) that embarrasses me or etc: go. fuck. yourself.
That had to be said. Thank you.