My apologies for the delay in this update (and the exhausting length). It’s a tough task to live through these adventures AND write them down. It’s a wonder I can even remember them!
The weekend (and my babysitting duties) started on Wednesday again last week for my roommates Gib and Leif. They started around midnight at Harden’s new apartment by drinking tallboys of “Strong Zero” (a dangerous, 8% alcohol beverage that tastes exactly like Fresca) and smoking a Marijuana-alternative called ‘Spice’. Spice is essentially a natural’ oregano-like plant combined with synthetic cannaboids that is sold as an incense-product in head shops. It’s similar to the now-popular ‘Bath Salts’, except Spice doesn’t usually inspire zombie-like side effects like the desire to eat flesh. Spice’s side effects are moderate by comparison and include rapid heart rate, agitation, confusion, vomiting, myocardial ischemia, raised blood pressure, heart attack...
...and in this particular case; Kleptomania. I woke up on Thursday morning to find an army of traffic cones occupying our living room floor. In the model van my roommates explained that the glow of the cones was impossible to resist and that they don’t even remember bringing them home.
Harden smacked Leif “You guys can be so immature. I feel like I’m hanging out with children.” He immediately changed the topic by showing us pictures of a Polish girl he’d picked up at Jumanji that night.
I ordered them to get rid of the cones as everyone except Eric-the-Brit and I got out of the van after the last casting. “That’s right, little ones,” Eric said “the old men have to go to their casting now. Try not to get too wasted tonight and pull any more immature stunts.” He slid the door shut.
“Eric, you’re 36. I’m 23. Can you please not include me in the old man group yet”
He patted my back, “You’re more than five years older than those little shits. We are in a very different league when it comes to maturity... by the way the stylist from my GQ Magazine shoot last night invited me to a party. Liam Gallagher [the lead singer from the band Oasis] is doing this big event for his store opening in Ginza if you want to come after this casting.”
We picked up a couple Strong Zero’s after our driver dropped us off in Ginza (castings usually end around 9pm). It was almost an hour (and 6 Strong Zero tallboys) later when his GQ friend showed up and got us into the party. Eric was already as drunk as last weekend (I had to drag him home from Roppongi) when Liam Gallagher finally showed up. Eric barreled over to him and explained how they shot GQ together, how much he’s loved growing up with Liam’s music, how he’s not gay but he’d totally suck his cock, etc... When it came time to go, Eric pulled me over and asked Liam for a picture but was turned down. Eric put his arm around the man little dressed like the fifth Beatle and said a few things in ‘English-English’. I was able to make out the words “Prat”, “Right cunt” and “Have a go” Liam finally acquiesced.
After the photo his bouncers pried Eric from the rock star who immediately fled the party. We got in a taxi at about midnight. “ROPPONGI! JUMANJI! PUNANI!” Eric yelled at the driver. I convinced our annoyed driver to take us home instead.
We went to Eric's apartment, directly below mine. His Aussy roommate was sitting in bed wearing a Batman towel that doubled as a hoodie-shirt.
It was during this picture when a traffic cone fell from the sky onto their balcony. The Aussy was about to kick Leif’s ass at this point, but I told him I’d take care of it and told him to go out and have another drink with Eric.
Friday morning began with a police officer knocking at the door. A little woman standing with him informed me that she was my next door neighbor and showed a picture of some traffic cones on her balcony. I acted surprised, asked her to wait a moment, went into the living room and smacked the sleeping Leif on the couch. “Morning. You have a visitor.” He dealt with the situation like any normal 17-year-old would; by lying. He was rattled for the rest of the day and didn’t say anything in the van all afternoon.
Eric was silent as well. On the way to pick up the other guys, his Aussy roommate told us about their adventure to the park nearby where they encountered a couple of local girls in manga costumes playing with fireworks. Things went smoothly for a few minutes until Eric started singing to one of them. Then he got physically aggressive and started saying “Give us a kiss, darling” over and over again. He took Eric home after he called the girl a ‘right cunt’ for not speaking English.
Harden crawled into the van looking like strung out shit. He hadn’t slept all night, but he did have some new pictures of the Russian twins (one of which was the ugly girl Leif had over last week) who were waiting for him in his bed.
Both of my roommates were fast asleep within five minutes of getting home. They woke up around Midnight and we all went out to Jumanji. They were moderate that night, since they had a job starting at 4am Saturday morning. It was Eric’s Aussy-roommate’s turn to make an ass out of himself. Around 5 AM he shuttled between hitting on a pair of Slavic girls outside and sitting on the curb counting imaginary change. He didn’t get out of his Batman towel the for the entirety of the next day, even when we went for lunch at the fancy café down the street. He fell asleep at the table and vowed to stop drinking and eat better.
I got back after lunch and found my roommates finally at home, getting ready for bed. They made their usual vow to never drink and again. There was a famous fireworks festival across town that evening, but only one guy from the agency (the ginger, ugh) was feeling well enough to go. There were no drinks and we were home by midnight, but we managed to make some new friends.
Can you spot the Ladyboys?
At one point a man in a kimono held out his fan and challenged me to a fight. I warned him in Japanese that I was a ninja, but he didn’t listen. He ended up in on his ass in a bush and I almost ended up arrested. Things turned out fine though and we hugged it out.
I apologized for waking my roommates when I got home, but they said it was okay because it was time for them to go out. Leif and Gib told me about their job that morning as they got ready. They were outside in Shibuya at 4AM looking for the place when a pretty girl came up to them. Assuming she was a model, Leif asked if she was there for the “Job”
The girl nodded excitedly and repeated “Job! Yes! Job! Job!” and took them up five flights of stairs to a dingy room lit with red lights and handed them a menu featuring various types of “Jobs”. Somehow they managed to get out of their and to work without getting jumped by any pimps.
My roommates tried to coerce me to Jumanji but I refused to go back to that breeder nightmare. Despite being worn out, my internal clock was heading towards nocturnal and it was 4am before I found sleep. Around 7am my roommates brought the party home. For three hours they serenaded a couple of model girls with country music in the living room (separated by a rice-paper-thin sliding wall). By 10 it was apparent they weren’t going to get laid so I kicked everyone out. I woke up at 1pm and the place looked like a frat house.
I went to Akihabara (‘the electronic city’) that afternoon. Everyone except Harden was too hung over to join me, but Harden had disappeared to Disney for the weekend with the local sugar daddy Wabi. I was currently regretting my earlier decision to not associate with those types anymore. The electronic city looked like the 1980’s picture of the future, already in decay. The most state-of-the-art robots to be found in any stores were of the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em variety (“at least they’re wireless”). Most of the area was tourist shops, maid cafes, computer stores, Hentai (anime porn) dungeons, Sega arcades and pachinko towers (thinks slots, but with little mettle balls and noise like you’re standing under Niagara Falls)
Akihabara was still a nerd paradise, despite the outdated electronics. Maids and manga girls roamed the street and almost outnumbered the dorky dudes cruising the innumerable Hentai stores. My Japanese friend Chigusa joined me in the evening and we hung out in a few of the millions of multi-story Sega arcades shooting Zombies and fighting Dragon Ball characters.
On Monday morning the gang in the van looked weathered. Everyone except Harden and I were still hung over. It was the best Harden had ever looked, despite the cheesy Mickey Mouse shirt. He distracted the crew from their misery by showcasing a new photo album who’s subject was the 16-year-old girl he had taken home from Disney Land.
“My god...” Eric dramatically removed his aviators, “She looks like my daughter!”
“I know! It’s great, right?! Dees kids love Disney.” Harden beamed. We all laughed, but then there was an awkward silence.
Leif asked if anyone would be going out that night. The Aussy threw an empty bag of almonds at his head.